INT: Day – Bob’s living room.
We’re sitting around his coffee table. Pages, notes, and the storyboard for his comedy screenplay are strewn about. Bob is in his recliner, and I’m on the couch.
BOB (working a crossword):
We need to figure out how Juan is going to try to kill Tom from a distance, because Tom is still in Haiti getting his voodoo erectile dysfunction cure from Dr. Quackoir.
RANDY (sifting through papers on the coffee table):
Is that the scene where the Doctor sacrifices a goat? Because to cure ED, Shouldn’t there be a horse involved. That way later on, in the sex scene with Maxine, Tom can whinny.
BOB (smirking):
Well, no, I don’t think there’s an animal sacrificed. That’s later. But how about a donkey.
RANDY (annoyed):
Do you want Tom to bray in the sex scene? How about a tiger? Then he could roar. Although, people might get upset about tigers getting killed for their penises.
BOB:
Well, we could say Dr. Quackoir uses only “Free Range” tiger penis.
RANDY (hands up):
Okay, Okay. I’m sure that PETA people will be much happier with that distinction.
BOB (puts crossword down):
Anyway, I was thinking that Juan could hijack a drone and send it to Haiti to kill Tom.
RANDY:
But how does dying from a drone attack cause Tom to die from ED or a urological problem?
BOB (scratches head):
Yes, that’s the problem with the drone approach. Too much collateral damage.
RANDY:
How about a bomb, perhaps in a toilet? Is that close enough to urological?
BOB:
Yes, but, how would Juan, in the US, plant a bomb in a Haitian toilet, lure Tom there, and trigger it remotely from the US?
RANDY:
Umm… Could you have Tom wearing Depends? That way you could have Juan plant an explosive in the diaper. Juan could send Tom a box of depends as a going away present.
(INSERT: party scene with Tom opening a box of gift wrapped Depends brand diapers.)
BOB (eyes widen):
That’s interesting — a diaper bomb, an Improvised Explosive Depends — IED.
Bob leans forward in his recliner and re-arranges his pants, and then nestles back comfortably.
BOB (Cont’d) (looking over his glasses):
How would Juan trigger it?
RANDY (gesturing with hands):
The explosives could be tied to a Bluetooth transceiver linked to Tom’s phone.
(INSERT: padded diaper laced with C-4, blinking LEDs, and a chip with the Bluetooth symbol on it.)
RANDY (Cont’d):
Juan would then just need to call Tom’s phone, pair the diaper to the phone, and enter a code to detonate the diaper.
BOB:
And how does Dr. Quackoir save Tom then.
RANDY (gesturing):
Well, as Juan makes the call to detonate, but before he enters the code, Dr. Quackior puts the pin in the voodoo doll’s groin. And, just as you currently have, the husband of Juan’s lover enters and shoots Juan in the groin. Now, however, as Juan feebly tries to protect himself from the shot with his iphone, it is destroyed. We make it an iphone so it’s smaller, offers less protection, and only Apple people are offended.
Randy stands up and takes his phone from his pocket.
RANDY (Cont’d) (pointing at phone):
Yet another reason to insist only on Android smart phones with gorilla glass!