Will of Misfortune

int. reception area of large company- day

On the wall we see a corporate name and slogan. The company logo, a circle with a cat's paw shown scratching the surface.

    WELCOME TO TOM MAINE FOODS CORPORATION

    "I Made it from SCRATCH"

SOUND: Three scratching sounds follow every mention of the word SCRATCH throughout the movie. It can be subliminal and the source may not be visible.

A salesman enters and is greeted by MARIA RAGOUT the receptionist, whose name is on the counter top.

CLOSEUP OF DESK NAME PLATE

The salesman signs the register, FRANK SELLERS.

Looking at the registry, MARIA Fills out a name tag for him.

CLOSEUP OF NAME TAG

Frank starts towards the seating area where there is a large TV set. Before he leaves, she gives him instructions.

maria

Mr. Sellers, if this is your first visit to Tom Maine Foods, you may want to view the short program on the DVD player. Just push the button on the remote.

FRANK SELLERS

Thanks, I'll do so.

He goes to the TV to start the show. He has to contend with a number remotes which he tries one after another and is obviously getting more and more frustrated.

CLOSE UP

A small pile of dead remotes is forming.

FRANK SELLERS

(calling to Maria)

Miss, which one of these things works?

Maria, carrying a box, leaves her desk and walks over to help. She empties it on the table forming a new pile of remotes.

maria

(laughing)

Some of these have been around here forever. Maybe it's this one.

She hands him a remote and he pushes a button on it and the window blinds close.

maria

Nope, it's not that one.

He tosses it into the forming reject pile. She picks up another remote, and presses a button.

SOUND: Music starts playing "Ravel's Bolero" (think the movie "10").

FRANK SELLERS

Oh. That's a nice touch.

He picks up another remote, presses a button and the lights dim and the fireplace lights.

MARIA

(surprised)

Hm... Yes, that is nice.

She picks up another remote, presses a button and a bed comes out of the wall with lit candles on end tables. On one of them is a silver tray with a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket, two glasses, and a container of caviar and crackers.

CLOSEUP

A box of SCRATCH brand crackers.

He picks up a pink remote and aims it at the TV.

MARIA

(concerned)

No, no! Don't touch that! It's not supposed to be there. Only authorized personnel are allowed to diddle with my pink remote!

Too late. He presses a button. We see Maria's hair and clothes become disheveled. Her panties fall from under her skirt down around her ankles. She combs her fingers through her hair with one hand while pointing at the TV with the other hand.

MARIA

(blushing, breathy)

Oh my, Frank, you found it. It's turned on now. That's it!

Following her pointing hand, we see the TV has started to play the program. TOM MAINE, the CEO, is speaking.

ON THE TV

TOM

Welcome to Tom Maine Foods. The company that was formed ten years ago when, as a baker, I recognized that the boxed cake mixes on the market all produced dry cakes that tasted like they were made from something from the cat box.

After much experimenting I developed a fantastic cake mix. Of course marketing was a problem and it required that we have first class packaging and a great name. It was introduced with a major advertising campaign that won awards and got us off to a great start.

Take a look at these early ads.

AD #1 ON THE TV

The ad opens with a table of GUESTS at a birthday party. The hostess CARLA puts a cake on the table. The candles are lit. The birthday girl blows out the candles and the cake is served.

SOUND: GUESTS ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

guest

This cake is incredible Carla, it's so moist and delicious, where did you buy it.

CARLA

Buy it! I made it from SCRATCH.

We see her fingers crossed behind her back and then a CLOSE UP of an empty box of SCRATCH Brand Cake mix sitting on the counter.

announcer (V.O.)

Yes! Now you can say "I Made it from SCRATCH" without your fingers crossed.

The ad closes with a CLOSE UP of Carla uncrossing her fingers.

BACK TO TOM ON TV

TOM

The next ad introduced our line of frozen entrees.

AD #2 ON THE TV

A formal meal in a dining room is in progress, with lit candles, fancy dishes and silverware. The hostess CONNIE has passed around the food and two of the guests BILL and HARRY begin eating. They start raving about how great the coq au vin is.

bill

You are a fantastic cook, Connie. I've never tasted coq au vin this good. Even in the best restaurants in France.

Harry

Wow! It tastes just like mother used to thaw!

Connie

Actually, I made it from SCRATCH.

We see the top of the garbage pail in the kitchen and an empty SCRATCH box with the logo showing.

CLOSE UP

Connie uncrossing her fingers.

announcer (V.O.)

Yes! Try our entire new line of delicious entrees and you too can say "I Made It From SCRATCH" without crossing your fingers.

BACK TO TOM ON TV

TOM

We now have worldwide distribution of our products. The next ad introduces our line of entrees in Japan.

AD #3 ON THE TV

On a busy street in downtown Tokyo we see a table and an ANNOUNCER wearing a chef's outfit. He's with a Japanese woman INTERPRETER who speaks English with a heavy accent. They are  passing out samples and are interviewing passersby. They stop a wary BUSINESSMAN.

Announcer

(to the interpreter, SUBTITLED in Japanese)

Ask him if he would like to sample our wonderful new SCRATCH brand, sushi product that's made in America by unemployed auto workers.

INSERT

UAW workers in greasy clothes and helmets working on a sushi assembly line.

BACK TO

Interpreter

(respectfully whispering, to the businessman in Japanese, SUBTITLED English)

Sir, if you taste this sushi made from SCRATCH with a smile on your face I can give you 10,000 yen.

Business man nods. She hands him the sushi on a paper plate with chopsticks and condiments. The businessman eyes and sniffs it suspiciously. He adds a mound of wasabi and eats it. Smiling and nodding with difficulty.

Businessman

(holding back a muffled gag, in Japanese to interpreter, SUBTITLED English)

Which ditch did you dredge to find this old shoe?

INTERPRETER

(smiling, to announcer, in English, SUBTITLED in Japanese)

He say it best sole he ever taste.

Announcer

(to the interpreter, SUBTITLED in Japanese)

Ask him if he would like a free package of our wonderful SCRATCH sushi to take home to his family.

She hands him the instant sushi with the money showing slightly underneath.

Interpreter

(respectfully, to the businessman in Japanese, SUBTITLED English)

Sir, please take this complimentary SCRATCH sushi, home for your family's enjoyment and accept it as our thanks.

Businessman

(smiling and bowing, in Japanese to interpreter, SUBTITLED English)

From which sewer comes this SCRATCH fish? I'd rather we die from eating improperly prepared blow fish.

CLOSEUP

She uncrosses her fingers.

BACK TO

INTERPRETER

(smiling, to announcer, in English, SUBTITLED Japanese.)

Very difficulty to translate. They would think that they died and went to heaven.

Announcer

(to camera, excited, subtitled in Japanese)

Now available at your local supermarket. Now you too can tell your sushi guests "I made it from SCRATCH" without crossing your fingers.

BACK TO TOM ON TV

TOM

Our team was so successful that we are now a well established company with over 5001 employees with factories in over 10 countries. We welcome our guests and suppliers. Thank you.

BACK TO RECEPTION

A now elderly Tom Maine arrives at Maria's desk on the way to his office. Tom is a medium height, thin man, with graying hair and sallow complexion. He is obviously in poor health as he shuffles along stopping occasionally to catch his breath.

Maria is talking with a co-worker as Tom approaches.

maria

Good morning, Mr. M. How are you today?

tom

(smiling and waving)

O.K. Maria, for an old coot.

maria

Aw, C'mon! Mr. M, You'll outlive us all, you're no old coot.

tom

Not only am I an old coot, I'm expecting an upgrade to geezer next month when I hit 72.

He enters the elevator and pushes a button.

int. Tom's executive suite - day - CONTINUOUS

Leaving the elevator, he shuffles to the desk of his Administrative Assistant MAXINE CHAYOTE-MIRLITON. She is widowed and in her thirties. She has long brown hair tied up, and is actually a hottie that is hidden by her business attire and minimum of makeup.

CLOSE UP of Maxine's desk name plate

MAXINE

Good Morning, Mr. M. The board members are all in the conference room anxiously awaiting to hear your decision about the buyout offer from Krapp Foods.

SOUND: Phone rings

Maxine answers the phone. 

MAXINE

It's for you Mr. M. Your son DALE.

He takes the phone from Maxine and we hear the conversation with Dale's half off screen.

DALE (V.O.S)

I am planning to enter the Daytona 500 and need the money for the entry fee and to build a new car that can win. I need $450,000 ASAP.

TOM

You have your own money. your mother left you millions.

DALE

I know, but this is an expensive sport, cars, mechanics and, pit crews..

TOM

Sports can can be profitable only if you are a consistent winner.

DALE

Puhleease! It's only a loan. I can win with the best car.

TOM

I don't back losers in sports or in business. Goodbye

Tom hangs up and turns to Maxine.

tom

(accenting "lend" with air quotes)

I only took the call so I could tell him to go to hell. I'm not going to "lend" him money to build another expensive race car. He already blew out his share of the fortune that Flo left him and his siblings when she died. I still think often of her funeral.

dissolve TO

EXt. grave site FLO's FUNERAL - FLASHBACK STORMY DAY

TITLE CARD       FIVE YEARS AGO

Establishing shot

Entrance to grave yard with arching sign over the road:

         DIGLOW GARDEN OF MEMORIES

          Park Your Carcass Here.

A funeral procession led by police motorcycles is passing through the gate. As the vehicles proceed through it, they become more and more far fetched.

There is a pickup towing a horse trailer.

SOUND:   NEIGHING

There follows junkers, with smoking exhausts, a loaded tour bus (GOTH TOURS) with tourists gawking. The TOUR GUIDE is speaking on the PA system.

tour guide (v.O.)

We have now arrived at the famous Diglow Cemetry.

There appear multiple goth faces with black makeup smearing all of the bus windows.

tour guide (v.O.)

Luckily we're arriving at the time of an actual burial of a Carcass. In this case, it's Flo Carcass Maine, once the wife of the founder of Carcass Brothers Films. Get your cameras ready.

More strange vehicles go through the gate including a car full of people in tow by a wrecker truck, a pickup truck with a dog in back, a rickshaw with passengers, a backhoe, etc.

At the site of a dug grave, an enormous pile of soil looms.

On the side of the hearse we see the company name.

CLOSEUP
       PLANTEM & MOURNE FUNERAL PARLORS
         Call JENNY at: 555-867-5309

While the people are collecting at the grave site,the Tour Guide is seen receiving money from the  funeral DIRECTOR.
Two MOURNERS to the side are heard talking in hushed tones.

Mourner 1

What ever happened to Flo? The last time I saw her she looked perfectly healthy.

Mourner 2

I heard she was vacationing in  Haiti and caught the Caribbean Parapluie Plague.

MOURNER 1 struggling with his umbrella as the wind blows it inside out.

MOURNER 1

Shit... Parapluie Plague. What the hell is that?

MOURNER 2

I don't know. My doctor said he never heard of it.

mourner 1

I'll have to Google it.

The large crowd of mourners including Flo's, as yet unidentified, five children are standing in mud around the grave. Everyone is dressed in dark colors. Their umbrellas are many bright colors. One of her children is wearing an auto racing uniform. Another one, in biker clothes, is obviously stoned.

The rain is coming down in sheets.

CLOSEUP

Rivulets of water are flowing down into the grave.

A younger Tom Maine stands beside the PREACHER who is reading the 23rd Psalm from a book.

NOTE: All nude persons shown in this scene, will be shown wearing fig leaves.

PREACHER

(reading)

The LORD is my shepherd;

INSERT: A scan of the mourners standing sadly in the rain. From the waist up, they resemble da Vinci's "Last Supper."

SOUND: A flock of sheep bleating.

PREACHER

I shall not want.

INSERT: A large holiday feast at an extravagantly set table piled high with fancy foods, and surrounded by elegantly dressed guests. They are devouring the meal furiously.

SOUND: Hogs eating from a trough.

PREACHER

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

INSERT: A typical political rally at a temporary platform in a pasture. Ominous weather. The banner above says:

        RE-ELECT RIP HOFF FOR CONGRESS

The speaker Rip HOFF is wearing a dark blue suit, and his closing line is heard. His gesture is that of Richard Nixon.

hoff

I'm no crook...

On the word "crook" There is a flash of lightning and (SOUND) thunder and his pants are seen on fire. He falls dead to the floor and we see on the back of his coat the original Pac Man disc with money in its wedge mouth and with the words:

               SUPER PAC MAN

SOUND:  Another loud clap of thunder followed by the dying Pac Man sound.

The crowd cheers.

BACK TO PREACHER

PREACHER

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

INSERT: Niagara falls with a barrel going over it.

SOUND: Giant waterfalls roaring.

PREACHER

He restoreth my soul:

INSERT: A cobbler sewing a new sole on a shoe.

SOUND: Shoe shop sewing machine.

PREACHER

he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

INSERT: A naked woman is standing at a fork in the road. One signs reads LORD STREET the other reads DEVIL WAY. She starts gracefully dancing towards LORD STREET but detours boogieing towards DEVIL WAY.

SOUND: Harp music en route to LORD STREET.

SOUND: Rock'n'roll music en route to DEVIL WAY.

PREACHER

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:

INSERT: A shot of a nude man standing in the Grand Canyon looking up to heaven. A huge boulder falls on him completely obliterating him.

SOUND: SHUDDERING BLAM.

PREACHER

for thou art with me;

INSERT: A shot of God reaching to Adam on the Sistine chapel. Adam has a large blackout three pointed fig leaf on his groin.

SOUND: Very loud thunder.

PREACHER

thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

INSERT: A shot of naked man bending over table, his bottom is red from being spanked. A mostly naked dominatrix is next to him holding a switch.

SOUND: Whipping sounds and shrieks of pleasure.

PREACHER

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:

INSERT: A shot of a naked male gray corpse on a autopsy table, the coroner looming above with a pneumatic saw.

SOUND: high speed pneumatic surgical saw.

PREACHER

thou anointest my head with oil;

INSERT: As yet, unidentified Will FIXEM, is changing oil on a race car on a lift. The plug falls out dumping black oil over his head.

SOUND: Oil glugging.

PREACHER

my cup runneth over.

INSERT: As yet, unidentified JACK Carcass is in a crowded nightclub. Liquor is being poured into lined up, overflowing shot glasses as the bartender gawks at a stripper who is down to a fig leaf with dollars tucked behind it.

SOUND: Night club noise screaming.

PREACHER

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

INSERT: A martyr being burned at the stake as in the Inquisition.

SOUND: Roaring fire.

PREACHER

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

INSERT: A large English estate looms in the background with fox hunters on horses, and hounds chasing across the lawn.

A sign is in the foreground reads:

              FOR SALE

Across the sign is a SOLD banner.

SOUND: Birds tweeting, nature sounds, hounds baying, horses neighing and clomping, hunt horn blowing.

PREACHER

Amen.

MOURNERS

(in unison)

Amen.

SOUND: Quiet except for the pounding rain and distant thunder.

Flo's casket is resting on the lowering device. Tom steps over and pushes the button to lower it. The casket starts its descent and as it goes down it displaces water in the grave that flows over the mourner's feet.

The caskets descent stops with the lid at ground level and it is obviously floating. The pallbearers (which include her unidentified male  children) and the MORTICIAN hastily removes the lowering device. He kneels by the partially submerged casket.

mortician

I forgot the damn thing is locked.

He takes a credit card from his wallet and with difficulty opens the lid a crack. He looks about and can find nothing to hold it open.

mortician

Somebody find something to hold this open.

After a futile search around,The Preacher tosses him his book which he sticks under the lid.

Preacher

Use this.

The others, standing by, press on the coffin with their feet, causing the open end to submerge such that the water runs in finally taking the bible with it.

Preacher

She'll have reading material on her trip across the river
Styx.

SOUND: Gasping and glugging sounds as air escapes and water enters.

As the casket descends water again gushes from the grave across the feet of the crowd and floral wreaths float off. Tom takes a hand full from what is now a mud pile and gently spreads it in the water with his hand over her. His hands are clean.

The siblings and mourners all repeat the same except they drop it from a distance having to shake the sticky mud from their hands. Some are wiping it on their clothes. The stoned man (Actually Jack who we later meet) gets a large rock that makes a big splash.

SOUND: Splashing and ker plunks.

SOUND: MUSIC "ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST" - BY QUEEN

As the crowd leaves, a bulldozer off to the side waiting to finish the burial is powered up and starts it's advance upon Flo's grave.

blackout

BACK TO SCENE

int. Tom's executive suite - day

Tom is seen in the other room talking on the phone. He returns to talk further with Maxine.

MAXINE

Don't you get along with any of your stepchildren? Didn't any one show an interest in running the company?

tom

Not a one. Their only interest is spending money, not making it. They can't wait for me to croak thinking they'll get their paws on my estate and spend happily ever after. 

MAXINE

Oh my, Mr. M. They can't be that bad, can they?

TOM

Well... They've all hated me from the day I married their mother. I was just an apprentice baker then and they all figured I was after the fortune that Flo inherited from her late husband, movie magnate, Alan Carcass. And as you know, I insisted it all go to her kids. Anyway, their behavior after they hear the terms of the will I'm planning, will determine if any of them gets dollar one.

MAXINE

You don't think they would try to do you physical harm?

TOM

I guess I wouldn't put anything past them.

MAXINE

You should invoke the Tarnished Golden Rule.

TOM

What's that?

MAXINE

Have others do unto themselves as they would do unto you.

int. board room of tom MAINE foods - day

Five board members are discussing the situation awaiting Tom's arrival. As CLOSEUPS of their name tags show, they are George BORDELAISE CFO (there is a spread sheet and calculator in front of him); Millie REMOULADE VP Research & Home Economics (a spatula with food on it in front of her); Gabriel "Gabby" PITCHMANN (wearing a loud plaid sports jacket);  Pamela "Picky" PIQUANTE VP Quality Control (with a magnifying glass hanging around her neck);and Brian BEARNAISE VP Operations (dressed in a white chef's uniform and toque, with large visible food spots).

Remoulade is impatiently tapping her spatula on the table.

remoulade

I'm worried that if he sells to Krapp Foods they'll bring in their own experts and let us all go. I have three kids in college.

BORDELAISE

(referring to spreadsheet)

Well, Tom is going to give us his decision as to whether he will take a Krapp... ah... buyout offer. I sure hope he gets a good price for it. I thought the first Krapp offer stunk.

You have something to say "Picky".

PIQUANTE

(fondling her magnifying glass)

Being in charge of Quality Control, I'm concerned that they will cheapen the products as has been the case of so many of their food acquisitions. It would be a shame. When Tom developed our first box cake mix product it was such high quality it supported the company's growth as we added new products to grow to our present size through Gabby's efforts.

pitchmann

It was a stroke of marketing genius when he named it "SCRATCH." Those Ads showing housewives serving cakes and telling their guests "I Made it from SCRATCH," won awards. SCRATCH became the brand name for all of our prepared foods items. I assume Krapp will have the sense to keep the brand name.

Bearnaise is spitting on a handkerchief trying to remove a food spot.

bearnaise

I hope he decides to sell, I'd be happy to retire to Florida and play golf every day in fresh air. My wife is sick of me coming home every night smelling like I had the blue plate special in a poorly ventilated diner.

remoulade

Shhh... I hear him coming.

Tom enters the room and they all stand up and greet him.

tom

Good morning everyone. Today I have both good news and bad news. First, the bad news is that I am going to retire so I can spend my time working on another book on anthropology. As you all know, it was my major in college, and my spare time passion. My new book will be on the culture of Haiti.
Also, my health has declined to the point that I can't keep up the pace.

The bad news is that I will not be seeing all of you who have been with me from the start of the company.

I am taking the Krapp offer of $250 Million, and since each of you now owns 5% of the company you have the option to work for Krapp, or to retire comfortably.

You will have the option of taking all or part cash, with a load of Krapp.... stock, thus saving broker fees.

We will be having meetings with the Krappers, as they call themselves, to plan the transition. I hope you all feel good with the way it came out.

Tom leaves, and the group are seen smiling and patting each other on the back. Tom stops at Maxine's desk to talk with her.

maxine

How'd they take it Mr. M?

tom

Well... when they heard the price, they pricked up their ears since they all own stock.

By the way, I'll be out of the office this afternoon. I have a doctor's appointment. Also, Maxine, if you want to stay with Krapp, I'm sure they'd keep you on, or you could retire if you wish. Your incentive program stock will be worth over $700,000. Also, I've set aside an immediate $100,000 bonus for you for your loyalty over the years.

MAXINE

(excitedly giving him a hug)
Wow! I wasn't expecting such a thing. You're a generous person, Mr. M.

TOM

You earned it Maxine.

int.  a large hotel dining room - night

A party of hundreds is in progress honoring Tom's retirement. The bar is open and crowded. A band is playing. Maxine and many friends and business associates are present having cocktails prior to dinner. All of the board members are at the head table. Maxine sits next to Tom. Notably absent are all of the stepchildren.

MAXINE

(using his first name)

Tom, I thought the committee sent invitations to your stepchildren. I don't see any of them here.

CLOSEUP  Empty chairs and place tags

TOM

True to form, none of them care enough to attend.

They both have had enough drinks to be more relaxed, since he is no longer her boss. After they have finished dinner, Maxine places her hand over Tom's and he looks pleased.

MAXINE

I'm so sorry that you have no relatives that are close to you.

TOM

It does get a bit lonely some times  without Flo.

MAXINE

I know how you feel. You know how sad I was when my husband was killed in Afghanistan.

TOM

Enough! Let's dance.

Maxine

I'd love to dance through life with you. It's a pity our lives are out of phase age wise.

INSERT:  CLOSEUP of a box of TIDE

He takes her hand and leads her to the dance floor as the band plays a dreamy song. They are looking into each others eyes fondly.

As they dance a short time, Tom is obviously out of breath.

TOM

I'm sorry, Maxine,I have to sit down.

They leave the dance floor.

 tom

Before I leave for Haiti, would you like to go out for dinner and dancing one night?

maxine

(obviously interested)

When? How about tomorrow night?

tom

Wonderful, I'll pick you up at seven if that fits your schedule.

They are sitting out the last dance "Goodnight Sweetheart."

INSERT:  CLOSEUP   Two boxes of Tide.

cut to

int.  a doctor's office - day

Tom enters the office.and walks to the window where there is a CLERK. Before he can say a word.

clerk

What insurance do you have?

TOM

My name is Thomas Maine. You have all the information on me.

clerk

We have to update it.

TOM

I was here only yesterday.

clerk

You have to fill out these forms and wait to be called.

She hands him a big sheaf of paperwork. He sits down with a clipboard and starts writing,

INSERT: Clock showing time 2:15PM

Tom finally finishes paperwork and hands it to the Clerk.

INSERT: Clock showing 3:15PM.

clerk

Have a seat, the doctor will be with you shortly.

The other patients in the waiting room are covered in cobwebs and some are obviously dead.

His name is finally called, and he follows a nurse through a door.

Tom is seen sitting on the examination table. The doctor's smock has his name sewn on it, DR. WILLIE KILLMAN. He is listening with his stethoscope.

tom

You hear any sweet music in there Doc?

KILLMAN

It sounds more like a bad drum solo at a rock concert. Let's review your situation. Your headaches could be migraine, a brain hemorrhage, or a mild stroke. (PAUSE) Your chest pain indicates heart problems and a need for an angiogram. But, your poor kidney function makes you a renal failure risk caused by the angiogram dyes. This would put you on dialysis. (PAUSE) Also, your color shows signs of possible hepatitis.

We have to schedule more tests.

Outside of that, you are in excellent health.

TOM

That's good to know. Shall I sign up for the next Triathlon.

Any further tests will have to wait 'til I get back from Haiti next month.

FADE TO

Ext/int.  chow Chow supper club - night Continuous

ESTABLISHING SHOT

The CHOW CHOW, an upscale Chinese restaurant.

Tom and Maxine are exiting a car and give the keys to a parking VALET.

valet

Enjoy your dinner folks.

As they enter the restaurant, the car screeches off burning rubber.

IN THE LOBBY - CONTINUOUS

A sign reads:

TODAY's PETA SPECIALS
Wokked Shar Pei
Soup of Cocker Leaky
Shucked Blue Pointers on Half Shell
Toasted Great Danishes
Almond Bark Ice Cream

AT THEIR TABLE - CONTINUOUS

Tom and Maxine are having dinner with champagne.

TOM

It seems strange, but nice to be with you socially, rather than in the office after all these years.

MAXINE

Yes, It seems like eons. I was only a few years out of college when I started to work with you.

TOM

And I was younger, happily married and in good health.

MAXINE

Age isn't everything, but health is important. I think we should try to live as much as possible in the time we have.

INSERT:  Shot of three boxes of Tide.

TOM

I'll drop by your office on my way to the airport to say goodbye.

MAXINE

Oh, by the way, there are a few things you missed in packing your personal things when you left the office.

INT. A LAWYER'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY

As Tom enters an office where a sign on the door reads:

                SUE A. LOTT

              Attorney at Law

At her desk, she is talking with Tom about the terms of his new will.

LOTT

Tom are you sure you want to go ahead with this? Tell me about your stepchildren.

TOM

They're all worthless bums who've squandered the fortune their mother left each of them. Take Dale, for instance. All he is interested in is expensive race cars. They all keep after me for money now.

Dale's recent phone call convinced me that I should make a new will. I want to test them to see if even one is slightly interested in how I get along. We'll see if they can be trusted not to squander my fortune.

ext. ASSCAR automobile race track - day

We see a sign above a race track entrance that says:

                Welcome to:

                  ASSCAR

  Association of Stupid Stock Car Auto Racers.

SOUND: Race car engines zooming in the background.

A man is seen behind the wheel of a race car roaring down a stretch of track. As the car approaches the pit stop he's seen checking a road map on his lap. Looking up, the driver sees the sign for his pit:

                  CARCASS PIT

At the entrance there's a sign that says:

              DO NOT BLOCK DRIVEWAY

A second sign inside says:

                  NO U TURN

The pit crew races out to the car. The back of their uniforms reads:

                 TEAM CARCASS

WILL FIXEM,(as his shirt name reads), the pit crew chief, starts a stop watch.

The race car has logos and sponsors' names. These are most unlikely sponsors such as PLANTEM & MOURNE FUNERAL PARLORS, CLAMPTITE CASKETS CORP, SHROUDS UNLIMITED (Go in Style), CARVER'S MEMORIALS, DIGLOW'S GARDEN OF MEMORIES (Park Your Carcass), BURNHAM-BLACK CREMATORIUM, and SEALY'S MAUSOLEUM.

The driver, DALE CARCASS, is shouting through the window berating Will, his crew chief, while the crew rapidly fuels, changes tires, cleans the windshield and generally checks the car.

INSERT: We see his name patch on his racing uniform, and his last name in fancy swoosh letters on his helmet reads "CARCASS."

dale

(shouting)

Goddamn it Will! Can't you idiots cut down our pit time?

He drives off back onto the track. Will Fixem checks his stopwatch.

At the pit exit, there is a ONE-WAY arrow sign on the opposite side of the track, and a DO-NOT-ENTER sign (red circle and strike) on the pit side..

fixem

(to Number Two Man)

We did that in record time. No crew anywhere can beat our time.

If he knew how to drive, he could easily win in this car. Put an Unser of Earnhart in it, and they'd lead the pack. The ass thinks it's only the car that wins races. He'll be last again, if he doesn't kill himself and several other drivers first.

Harley

You can't buy talent, plus guts and balls, with money. Dale could be in the best car in the world and still have his nose up the ass of the second to last car.

As Dale leaves, a woman FAN is at the gate to the pit trying to get in. She is obviously anxious to pee.

fixem

Miss, you can't come in here.

fan

But... But... when I said I needed a pit stop the usher sent me here.

fixem

If you gotta go, go elsewhere. Only those with a pit pass, not a piss pass, can be in here.

FAN

I came here because it was closer than the women's room at the top of the stairs.

FAST PAN TO TOP OF STAIRS: A SIGN AND ARROW.

                 WOMEN

She turns on her heels and rapidly starts running up the stairs. Close to the top she stops and hangs her head in despair and waddles slowly up the stairs. She didn't make it.

As the race ends, Dale returns his car to his pit. Leaving the car, he is met by IMA VIXEN of POX TV, a sports reporter. The POX logo is on the mic. It is a face with visible sores.

IMA VIXEN

Dale, what happened out there? You seemed to have your anchor dragging?

DALE

Well, ah... Ima, ahh... I had some car difficulties, and my pit stops are taking too long.

IMA VIXEN

Hmm... what are you plans for the future?

DALE

I think I've gotta get my crew on the ball, they're taking forever in the pit stops. Also, this car is a dog.

IMA VIXEN

Okay. Thanks Dale. Better luck next time.

Dale storms off to yell at TEAM CARCASS.

IMA VIXEN

And now we return to our regularly scheduled reality show: "COLLECTORS," the exciting lives of people who collect tolls in toll booths on turnpikes. This week, we revisit Sonny Corleone and his driving experience at toll booth plaza #4.

BACK TO SCENE

DALE

(to Will Fixem)

Can't you get this heap to run any faster? Get off your asses.

If my asshole stepfather ever kicks off and I get his big bucks, we'll build a real winner. The son-of-a-bitch won't part with a penny now.

FADE TO

INT. A LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUoUS

SUE A.LOTT

Are the others that bad too?

TOM

JACK is a good example, he's a hopeless drug and alcohol addict. All his inheritance went for drugs and booze for himself and a horde of spongers, including his woman pal CRYSTAL.

int. BAR MITZFITS JACK'S OFF-TRACK NITECLUB - night

ESTABLISHING SHOT

A very scummy bar. Ragged Harleys are parked out front.

Jack is an unkempt, skinny man with long unwashed hair and a beard. CRYSTAL, and several grubby others, are all around a table where she is setting up lines of cocaine. She is a real sleazy, scrawny woman with chipped and ragged front teeth. Jack and Crystal snort a line each and the others cluster around the table for their free dope, bought with money from Jack's inheritance. They are all stoned and visibly behaving so.

JACK

(announcing to the group)

Have fun kiddies. This is almost the last of my dough.

CRYSTAL

Is there any hope your stepfather will come up with some bread? I read in the paper that he sold his company for big bucks.

JACK

Not a chance, he will have to kick off before I get a penny from him.

CRYSTAL

The yeast we can do is take his bread after we make him toast.

JACK

He's in real bad health. Anyways, it shouldn't be very long before he kicks the bucket. Then it will all depend on his will. The shithead could even disinherit me since he disapproves so much of my life style.

CRYSTAL

I'll think of something to speed things up. I seen something in a movie that might work for us.

FADE TO

INT. A LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS

SUE A. LOTT

Don't any of them have children that you like enough to put them in your will.

TOM

Nope. They are all too selfish to have wanted to devote any time or love to children. JUAN is the only one who ever married, and that was five times. His money went paying lawyers and settling divorces. All he thinks about is sleeping with as many women as possible, and dodging bill collectors.

SUE A.LOTT

Isn't he married now?

TOM

No. He's living with a woman. Her name is CAROL. His main interest in her is as housekeeper, cook, and occasional sex when none other is available.

SUE A. LOTT

I believe they call men like that satyrs.

int. Juan and Carol's Apartment - night

ESTABLISHING SHOT

We see Juan and Carol in a domestic quarrel. Juan is tall, slick looking, with a thin mustache and long hair. She is a short ash blond, attractive, but presently, not well groomed, and is holding him by an arm.

carol

(in tears)

Please Juan. Stay home with me and be close to me like you used to be. Why are you always so mean to me?

juan

Damn it, stop your bitching. If you don't like it here get your ass out. I can replace you anytime. Let go of me!

carol

(sobbing)

Please Juan, don't leave me alone. Can't I go with you?

juan

Hell no! Get off your ass and get busy cleaning up this shit house.

She tugs at his sleeve. He gives her a swat across the face, throws her to the floor and storms out of the door.

FADE to

INT. A LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUING

TOM

My youngest son Dominick is an inveterate gambler. DOM as he is called, also is constantly trying to get money from me to pay off his gambling debts. All his inheritance was spent at crap tables in casinos and on slow horses and fast women.

int. a casino at a crap table - night

Dom, is a short man in his mid forties and slightly overweight.He is flashily dressed and smoking a cigar. He wears large rings on several of his fingers. His current woman friend BLANCHE is cheering him on. He is rolling the dice and is approached by a giant HOODLUM type.

hoodlum

(loud into Dom's ear)

Dom, de boss man DON SCORPIO wants you in his office raght now. He's really pissed atcha!

dom

I'll get there as soon as this roll is over. I'm way ahead and am going to put it all on the line now.

hoodlum

(grabs him by collar)

De Boss means now. Not at ya convenience. You can come back after,if you're able to. The dumb broad can stay here.

He drags Dom protesting to Scorpio's office.

IN SCORPIO'S OFFICE

scorpio

You owe us 25G's Dom, and we want it now, or else!

dom

I don't have that kind of money any more, but when my step-dad dies, I'll have lots of money to pay you.

scorpio

We can't wait for someone to die to get our money; your debt will double every six months until we get paid. If you need our help speeding up his death, there will be a major contract fee. The decision is yours. It comes down to your funeral or his. Think it over.

Visibly shaken, Dom returns to the crap table where we see him betting all his chips and then rolling the dice. He rolls snake eyes and the dealer rakes in his chips.

FADE to

INT. A LAWYER'S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUING

LOTT

That's quite a collection of bums you have.

TOM

There's one more.

Last, but not least is Corinne, or COCO as she is called. She spent all her money on designer clothes, face lifts, boob implants, cruises, and long stays at expensive resort hotels with her lover and psychiatrist, one Dr. HEDY SHRINKOPF

int. a travel agency - day

CoCo is a blond, in her mid forties, overly made up and whose face shows the tight look of having had too many face lifts. She and Hedy, a tall straight haired brunette with a lithe figure and deep voice are talking with a TRAVEL AGENT. A CLOSE UP of the brochure on the desk shows it is a deluxe Kantya African Safari they are arranging. CoCo is reading the travel documents.

travel agent

This Kantya is the very best safari operator. They will take you up close to see all of the wild animals and provide first class food and accommodations,

coco

(handing agent a credit card)

That looks fine, go ahead and book us for the dates we mentioned.

hedy

That'll give us time to get properly outfitted, I don't have the right clothes for a safari.

COCO

Me neither, we'd better head to Evercrumby & Bitch

We better enjoy this trip, Hedy I'm running low on money and have none in sight until my step-father dies. He has more money than you can imagine, but won't give any of us a cent while he's alive, the stingy bastard.

As they leave walking toward a car CoCo holds out her hand admiring a large diamond ring.

COCO

I simply adore and this engagement ring you gave me and can't help constantly admiring it. It'll be wonderful to go to Maryland when we return where we can be legally married.

hedy

Is the old fart in good health, or likely to die any time soon?

coco

Fortunately, he has so many health problems, it's a wonder he's still kicking. But, you never know.

hedy

I have an idea as to how we can get control of his assets.

FADE TO BLACK

int. conference room at SUE A. LOTT'S office - NEXT day

A meeting is under way with all five stepchildren and Tom and Sue.

TOM

I have asked all of you to attend to advise you as to the terms of my will as presently written. Ms. Sue A. Lott, my lawyer will outline the key items.

Some murmuring and foot shuffling ensues as Lott stands and reads from papers.

LOTT

First, one half of the estate in the amount of $125M will go to Mr. Maine's alma mater to fund a chair and scholarship fund in anthropology which was his major and still an active pursuit of his.

Some soft moans are heard from the group.

LOTT

As you may know, Mr. Maine has a number of potentially fatal illnesses. We have prepared five pieces of paper which are in this hat. Each of you will draw one and we will see that it reads one or more possible causes of his death.

The one of you who draws the actual cause of his death will win the raffle and inherit the entire second half of his estate. It is presently valued at approximately $250 Million.

Obvious concern and head holding is seen.

TOM

My will also specifies that if I die from, foul play attributable to any of you, suicide, or if the lot of you make any agreement to equally divide the estate, all of the assets go to my school, Scaroo U. and other charities. An auditing procedure will be set up to monitor the heir's finances to make sure this requirement is met.

LOTT

(pointing to Juan)

Who will be first? How about you, sir?

Juan gingerly walks up and takes a slip from the hat. He hands it to Lott who reads it.

LOTT

Sir, you have drawn Urological problems such as kidney failure, erectile dysfunction, injuries to, or cancers of, the kidneys, testicles, or bladder that have may have caused death.

She hands it back to Juan, who sits down smiling, since he knows of Tom's urological problems.

Next, Jack walks up to her and takes a slip from the hat. He is unshaven, disheveled looking and obviously either drunk or high on drugs. He hands it to Lott who unfolds and reads it.

LOTT

This one reads Internal Medicine. It refers specifically to liver, lungs, intestinal and esophagus type problems including cancer or trauma that may cause death.

Jack shrugs and heads back to his chair bumping into Dom, the gambler who is en route to draw his slip from the hat, which he does and hands it to Lott in a devil may care manner.

LOTT

(reading from slip)

It reads Cardiology. Death from heart attack, trauma to the heart, aneurysms, and other cardiovascular diseases other than to the brain.

dom

(smiling, elated)

Luck of the draw folks. These are better odds than I've been getting in Las Vegas. I hear that Papa Tom has been complaining about chest pains for some time.

CoCo next walks up and takes a slip. She unfolds and reads it aloud herself before handing it to Sue.

COCO

I got Neurology. It says it includes, brain tumors, neurological diseases and traumas of all types and as an exception to death includes insanity requiring lifetime in a first class asylum paid for with an annuity from the estate. The winning heir gets all the rest.

LOTT

Thank you Ms. CoCo. That leaves you Dale.

Dale, wearing race driver clothes that include many advertising patches of sponsors, takes the last slip and hands it to Sue Lott.

LOTT

Since we have run out of Tom's specific disease categories, this is a special category, Trauma. It refers, to all forms of accidental death, suicide, and murder not attributable to any of you.

Dale returns to his seat.

TOM

Thank you all for your attention. The terms are very specific and will not be changed. If you will excuse us Ms. Lott and I have work to do.

int. Sue A. LOTT's office - day

LOTT

What is your purpose in arranging such a will Mr. Maine?

TOM

How they behave from now until I am about to die will determine if any of them are worthy of my money. We can change the will if any of them show a modicum of decency in the interim.

fade to

INT. JUAN AND CAROL'S APARTMENT - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT

Juan enters the apartment walks into the living room and flops down on the couch. Carol enters the room.

CAROL

How did the meeting go at the lawyers office? What was it about?

JUAN

Not that it's any of your business, but they explained the terms of my stepfather's will of misfortune.

CAROL

Oh. I'm so sorry to hear Tom died. He seemed like a nice guy. Maybe you'll have an inheritance and be able to get out of debt.

JUAN

No, unfortunately he's not dead yet. And you won't believe the terms of the will. He held a raffle and we each drew a cause of death.

Juan takes the raffle slip from his pocket and hands it to Carol.

JUAN

I drew urological ailments and trauma. So, if he dies from that, I'll win $125 million.

CAROL

Oh. Well... Uh... I guess it's good to hear he's okay then.

JUAN

Yea, so I have a good chance of winning. I could sure use the money to pay off the back alimony I owe to all five of my exes!

SOUND: The doorbell rings.

Juan

(obviously upset)

Christ, who's that? Another damn bill collector, or the landlord? Don't answer it?

CAROL

It's probably the Backgammon's pizza I ordered. I got the sour kraut, liverwurst, and anchovie supreme with extra limburger, your favorite.

JUAN

(relieved and rising)

Thank God.

Juan suspiciously looks through the peephole where we see the Backgammon's pizza delivery DRIVER holding the pizza box, the top of which has a printed backgammon board, dice, pieces, etc. The driver wears a hazmat suit in the colors of the backgammon board on the pizza box. There is a large bio hazard symbol on the suit's front. Juan opens the door.

DRIVER

(muffled through mask)

Are you Juan Carcass?

JUAN

(handing the driver money)

Yes.

DRIVER

(opening the pizza box)

You have been served.

CLOSEUP: We see a form titled "SUMMONS TO APPEAR" sitting on top of the pizza.

JUAN

(cynically)

Keep the change.

DRIVER

(sarcastically, at tip)

Thanks! Gee, a whole nickel.

As the DRIVER is turning to go, we see the motto on his back:

HOT PIZZAS AND SUMMONS SERVED

Juan puts the pizza on the table and takes out the summons and is reading it.

CAROL

What's this all about?

JUAN

(looking at summons)

Holy shit. My exes have joined forces. It's a class action alimony suit.

CAROL

Juan, let's quit thinking about this now and enjoy dinner. You're going to get indigestion.

Juan

I wish the old man would kick off my way. ASAPee. It'd solve all my problems.

Juan sits back on the couch and turns on the TV. The 60 Second stopwatch is ticking on the TV. An older, serious looking, announcer, white haired, DAN DRUTHERS is introducing the next story.

ON THE TV

DRUTHERS

Good evening. This is Dan Druthers and this is 60 Seconds. This weeks in-depth one minute analysis is brought to you by Defends adult diapers. First a word from our sponsor.

ON THE TV THE AD (CONTINUING)

We see a church full of well dressed people. A man, NOAH, and woman, NAAMAH, are entering a long wooden pew.

The pew is occupied except for three seats on the aisle. The eight occupants range uniformly in ascending size from children nearest the aisle to very tall on the far side and are in pairs of varying races and colors.

The man enters first followed by the woman. They sit and pick up hymn books from a rack as a man on crutches laboriously struggles into the aisle seat with his heavily plaster-cast leg across the entry to the pew.

NOAH

(wispering with pained expression)

Naamah, I shouldn't have had that fifth cup of coffee.

Naamah

Nor the two big glasses of O.J. I'm afraid you'll have to stem the tide for a while, the service has begun.

cut to

FADE IN:

As the PREACHER begins to read the gospel, Genesis:7, his voice and the organ is heard in the background. The organ hits a strong chord emphasizing the word "GO".

preacher

And the Lord said unto Noah, "GO ... into the ark, you and your whole family...

Noah

(Moaning Through clenched teeth)

Ugh.

preacher

(droning)

..two of every kind of unclean animal...

noah

(obviously in agony)

Kee-rist.

preacher

(more droning)

On the seventeenth day of the seventh month, all the springs of the great deep burst forth and the floodgates  of the heavens were opened....\

SOUND: A crashing sinister organ chord.

Noah's face first shows a sign of relief, then of mortification.

noah

(Grasping his head)

OhmiGod!

We see a river of liquid running from his seat down the pew. As it apparently reaches each seated person they successively jump up and grab their asses with a look of dismay as the organ plays ascending chords accenting the final chord.

PREACHER

(OS droning)

The waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days.

The ad closes with a shot of a diaper.

narrator (os)

Other brands don't hold water compared to DEFENDS.

ON TV CONTINUING:

DRUTHERS

(somewhat nervously)

Tonight we discuss the recent rash of bombings in Afghanistan. We go to Kaboom to interview Ali BEN ZINE, Public Relations Manager for the terrorist organization Al Spider.

After the usual pause, we see Ben Zine heavily armed with automatic rifle, grenades, knives, etc. and wearing a ski mask with a long beard sticking out of the edges. He speaks with a strong accent.

druthers

Thank you for appearing on the show. Before we cover our main theme, many of our viewers have requested that I ask for your justification for polygamy in your tribe. Here in Utah, a shortage of men was the excuse.

BEN ZINE

All women wear burkas, only show eyes. We know not what we have hooked 'til wedding night.

Fortunately, we divorce by three times saying "I divorce thee." I had fifteen throwbacks before landing five keeper limit.

druthers

You must have been trolling in a large grammar school.

BEN ZINE

Not so. Only males allowed in schools.

DRUTHERS

I understand that you specialize in making explosive vests for suicide bombers. Are you concerned for your safety?

BEN ZINE

Not so. I be happy martyr to collect seventy-two virgins.

DRUTHERS

That's a lot of de-flowering, not to mention the follow ups.

BEN ZINE

I swap some for gold harp and up-grade to first class cloud.

DRUTHERS

Would your trade-ins be pre or post deflowered virgins?

Ben Zine gives a clench-fist salute suggesting an erection.

BEN ZINE

Post!

druthers

Can you give us the Al Spider reaction to the international uproar caused by your posting detailed instructions on the internet as to how to build Improvised Explosive Defends... er... diapers... er... devices?

BACK TO THE APARTMENT:

Juan 's face lights up in an "Aha" expression.

SOUND:           TaDa

BACK TO TV:

As Ben Zine slams a cartridge into the chamber of his weapon.

ben zine

Better to kill more infidels. We offer free booklet.

He holds up the booklet.

INSERT: CLOSEUP of title.

IMPROVISED EXPLOSIVE DIAPERS FOR DUMMIES

SMASH CUT TO

INT. jUAN AT A WORKBENCH

A MONTAGE OF STILLS: We see Juan with a box of Defends (against which leans the open booklet), a block of C-4 explosive, rolls of wire, soldering wires, circuit boards, a package labeled Bluetooth chips, etc. and an iPhone. As he completes the diaper bombs, he holds one up to admire it, places it on the bench and picks up the iPhone.

CLOSEUP: On the iPhone we see the buttons, Bluetooth PAIR, DISARM, ARM, DETONATE.

He presses ARM and we see a small LED in the diaper flash red: he presses DISARM and it turns green.

INT. TOM'S HOUSE DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT: Tom's house.

Tom is packing his suitcases in the bedroom. On the bed sits an open box of Defends. He notices he is out of razor cartridges.

TOM

(aloud, and annoyed)

Damn, no cartridges!

We see him leaving in his convertible sports car to go buy some razors.

Hiding in his car across the street, Juan observes him leave and sneaks in through an unlocked window. In Tom's bedroom, he swaps Tom's Defends with the ones he is carrying.

int.  Maxine's desk - day

Tom is saying goodbye to Maxine on his way to the airport.

TOM

Maxine, I had to stop by to say goodbye. I will be calling you frequently while in Haiti. I'll miss your cheerful smile and look forward to seeing you again in a month.

MAXINE

I hope you have a nice trip Tom, and get the information you need for your book. Oh, by the way, you missed this photo of you and Flo and the one of Flo with her kids, when you took your office things.

They part with a hug and kiss on the cheek.

INSERT  Shot of four boxes of Tide.   

ext. airport at port au prince, haiti - day

Establishing shots show airport, plane arriving, and Tom arriving at the gate where he is met by FRANCOISE Sucrose a black woman. She is with the "Bureau of Culture." and holds up a sign with his name miss-spelled as "Thom Mainze."

TOM

I'm Tom Maine, Mademoiselle.

francoise

Monsieur Maine, I am Francoise Sucrose, with the Bureau of Culture. I believe we spoke on the telephone.

TOM

Oh yes, and I thank you for your help in setting up a meeting with a knowledgeable voodoo practitioner.

francoise

Mais Oui, You will meet Papa Doc Quackoir, a renowned practioner of the art.

TOM

I thank you for your help.

They climb into a beat up car. On the door are the words:

      BUREAU DES AFFAIRES CULTURELLES

They drive up to Papa Doc's "office" a run down shack at the end of a dirt road. Poultry and live stock abound. She blows the car horn. The door opens and they are met by Papa Doc QUACKOIR a stout black man. He is the voodoo practitioner and is dressed entirely in white. He wears dark rimmed sun glasses and a has an amulet, recognizable in a CLOSEUP as the skull of a small animal. He has a wide smile showing many gold teeth and has a strong French accent. He is holding and stroking a cat. At the door they talk.

quackoir

Bienvenue, Monsieur Maine.

Quackoir shakes Toms hand with his free hand.

Tom pets the cat.

TOM

That's a nice cat. What's it's name?

quackoir

We call her SCRATCH. (SOUND)And you shall call me, Papa Doc as do all mes amis here.

TOM

Please call me Tom.

QUACKOIR

Tres bien. It will be Tom.

Am I pronouncing your last name right Papa Doc?

QUACKOIR

Mais Oui.

TOM

It's an unusual name, what is its origin?

QUACKOIR

Eet eez la patois corruption of ze archaic Carib Indian word "crackwar" that they used to describe Columbus. A few years back archeologists unearthed a pottery chamber pot with inscriptions in both Greek and ze old Carib, and scholars, after much research, only recently were able to translate the word with the aid of computers and Google. It enabled them to determine that "Quackoir" means "man who fart sound like duck".

tom

Sort of a Rosetta Throne, you might say.

I really appreciate your taking time to talk with me about voodoo and hoodoo as practiced here. I promise you a credit in the book I am writing on Haitian culture and this will be an important part.

Papa Doc

It's my pleasure Monsieur. Let's begin by going into my inner office.

int. quackoir's sanctum - day

On entering we see the stereotypical trappings for voodoo practice including  cages of live chickens, rats, goats, ducks, turkeys, and sheep. Tom is taking notes as they talk. In the adjacent room we see a crude assembly line with several women working on dolls in stages of assembly. Several men with different size drums are also present, occasionally hitting a few beats.

tom

You were saying that there is a difference between voodoo and hoodoo.

quackoir

Mais oui. Voodoo is more benign and deals, among many other sings, such as healing of illnesses. Voodoo practitioners like myself are known as "Vodouisants" and hoodoo practitioners are also known as "root doctors" and "healers." Both have roots in certain African cultures.

Many loa, the gods in hoodoo, have parallels in Roman Catholic saints. Hoodoo is often associated with spells, both good and evil, such as in witchcraft.

I have doctorate in voodoology, but also have masters in hoodoology and am a licensed practitioner of both.

INSERT

On the wall we see two framed degrees  in voodoology and hoodoology from SPELLBOUND UNIVERSITY, and two Licenses to Practice each one.

TOM

Do those cures of yours really work?

QUACKOIR

Those who practice traditional medicine and also the pharmaceutical industry criticize our approach. They are quick to disparage as mumbo-jumbo anything that threatens their great sources of revenue. They prefer to provide expensive ongoing treatments, rather than inexpensive cures as I do.

tom

You make a point.

QUACKOIR

If you remain a while, I will show you zat "le preuve est dans le Poudin."

There is a knock on the door and before Quackoir can answer it, an assistant, FIFI, goes to the door. She is a stereotype of a voodoo priestess. Scantily clad in a corset skirt, arm cuffs with trailing scarves, a small skirt train, much large jewelry, etc.

She admits two people. One is so sick he can hardly stand. Papa Doc takes a cursory look at the SICK MAN who they have laid on a table.

QUACKOIR

I weel show you, mon ami.

TOM

What is wrong with him Papa Doc?

QUACKOIR

He has ze cancer of ze sweetbreads. We fix zat tout-de-suite.

There commences a ritual with much drum beating, singing, chanting, waving of various plants above the sick man.

QUACKOIR

(to Fifi)

Cherie. Please get me a doll.

She goes to the assembly line and selects a doll which she hands to Quackoir. He hands it back to her.

QUACKOIR

(to Fifi)

Mais No, Cherie. Get me the proper one for ze man.

She returns with a different doll.

tom

What is the difference, Papa Doc?

Quackoir holds up the doll and pulls it's pants down.

QUACKOIR

Our dolls are anatomically correct.

CLOSE UP: The doll has a large penis.

TOM

What's that noise?

SOUND: A chicken squawking, followed by a chopping sound and the noise of the chicken flopping around.

We see through the door to in the other room that an assistant has chopped the head off a chicken and is holding it up.

QUACKOIR

They prepare for our rite.

TOM

Sarah Palin should see this. Doesn't PETA object?

QUACKOIR

I do much hoodoo that keeps them at bay.

TOM

The furriers should hire you.

QUACKOIR

I have been approached.

TOM

Why is it necessary to sacrifice an animal. Why not a loaf of bread and a glass of wine?

QUACKOIR

A live sacrifice is necessary to please the patient's loa, that is his personal god.

Fifi is seen collecting a bowl of chicken blood which she brings to Papa Doc.

Papa Doc dipping his finger into the bowl, makes an X with a circle around it in blood on the man's abdomen.

He is next seen mixing up a strange concoction.

QUACKOIR

(half to himself)

First ze dried bat wings.

Zen, I add one lizard.

He drops in a chameleon.

QUACKOIR

Now we add ze ganja.

He puts in a handful of marijuana leaves.

quackoir

Finally, ze au jus, and much cayenne.

He holds up a dripping wet jockstrap and wrings in out into the container followed by several carefully measured tablespoons of a red powder. He then empties the container into a modern blender and fires it up.

TOM

What do you call that mess...er.. potion.

quackoir

A smoothie... Eet is an important potion.

TOM

(taking notes furiously)

Did you say it's an important potion, a potent potion, or an impotent potion?

QUACKOIR

Eet is an important potion, not an impotent potion.

It ees both a potent potion and an important potion. An impotent potion would be a poor potion. A practitioner prescribing poor potions is a piss poor policy.

TOM

Precisely.

Tom writing fast breaks the point on his pencil.

QUACKOIR

Next time I play ze skinny straight man, bud, and you ze short fat one.

He then pours the weird concoction into the man's mouth. The now FORMERLY SICK MAN gags, sits up, jumps off the table and joins in the dancing.

formerly sick man

(hugging Papa Doc)

Merci Beaucoup Papa Doc! Merci Beaucoup!!

The man's companion quickly leaves the house and returns with a goat.

TOM

What's with the goat, Papa Doc?

QUACKOIR

It is my fee Tom. However, even though I am up to my derriere in goats, I will keep it for a more difficult case.

A very SICK WOMAN then appears at the door and is led to the table where Papa Doc looks her over. Tom is standing beside him again taking notes.

TOM

What is your diagnosis, Papa Doc?

QUACKOIR

She has ze Caribbean Parapluie Plague.

TOM

What's that? I've never heard of it.

QUACKOIR

It's a deadly nervous disorder caused by drinking too many fancy rum drinks with those little umbrellas on top. Research by the National Institute of Health has shown that it most often affects people who have no indoor plumbing. Modern medicines such as antibiotics have no effect on whatever causes it. My theory is that the adhesives used to assemble the umbrellas in China contain some strange chemicals absorbed through the nose when one takes a drink without removing the parapluie... er... umbrella. Please excuse my slipping into ze French occasionally.

Fortunately, this woman is in Phase I of ze plague, and we have hope for her. The untrained often mistake people in Phase I in zis disease for Phase II zombies. If not caught in time the poor people run amok, like ze Philippine juramentado, killing anyone in their path. Only last week one man armed only with a toilet plunger and an umbrella claimed four innocent lives.

TOM

Speaking of zombies, are they a problem these days?

QUACKOIR

Mais no, Tom. They have all established residence in California and Louisiana..

tom

Why those places, Papa Doc.

QUACKOIR

They earn a good living death there since so many movies require them. They obtain much nourishment there as well.

TOM

I suppose that explains the "brain drain" we hear so much about in the U.S.

QUACKOIR

They no longer find common ground here with the vampires. I was speaking with one the other day at the Walmart. He complained that zey are now neck-to-neck with ze vampires in competition for the poor paying roles and it isn't worth getting up out of grave to audition these nights.

He proceeds again with a ritual as before.

QUACKOIR

(to a pretty, scantily clad woman)

Fifi, bring in les parapluies, s'il vous plait.

FIFI

Oui, Papa Doc.

Fifi is a beautiful sexy, black voodoo priestess and is scantily dressed as such. She leaves the room and quickly returns with a large box full of brightly colored decorated frilled umbrellas. She passes them around, and there commences a parade around the woman like a second line in a New Orleans jazz festival.

All of the dancers and Quackoir are waving the umbrellas over the woman on the table as they dance by her. Fifi obtains  a case of rolls of toilet paper and passes them around to all the assistants.

TOM

What's the toilet paper for?

QUACKOIR

It is to  wipe out the evil outhouse loa that have possessed her.

TOM

No shit?

Tom joins in as they jointly T.P.the patient. The drumming and dancing becomes louder and even more frantic. Several of the group fall on the floor in a fit and others are in a trance. The woman's eyes have rolled back into her head and she is unconscious.

SOUND: A rooster crowing and the sound of a chop.

Fifi gives Quackoir a cup with a miniature umbrella showing on top. He pours it down her throat and quotes from the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam.

QUACKOIR

FRENCH SUBTITLED

Arise my little one. Take up the cup, before life's liquor in its cup be dry.

The woman wakes up, spryly jumps from the table dancing.

FRENCH SUBTITLED

woman

To hell with life's liquor. Gimme a goddamn rum and Coke!

Fifi leaves and then returns with a drink. It has a small umbrella on top.

woman

(shrinking in horror)

Hold the fuckin' umbrella!

TOM

What the hell happened?

QUACKOIR

She became possessed by her good loa, a long dead relative of Colonel Sanders.

TOM

(making sign of the cross)

I can't believe this. It's miraculous.

Blackout

int. quackoir's office - day

Tom obviously in distress is sitting in a chair talking with Papa Doc. He is having a severe angina attack, holding his chest, and fanning himself. Papa Doc provides a drink of water which Tom sips from as they talk.

QUACKOIR

You have zis problem often Monsieur Tom?

TOM

Yes, and it's getting worse every day. The doctors want to do an angiogram when I return home.

QUACKOIR

Is zat all wrong with you? I can fix that very easy.

TOM

I also have only one bad kidney, erectile dysfunction, early stage hepatitis, and severe headaches that could be a brain tumor or worse.

QUACKOIR

Is zat all? I can make you healthy again, but you must believe in my cures.

TOM

After what I've seen so far, I'll believe anything you say. When can we get started?

QUACKOIR

I have much preparation. We start tomorrow.

TOM

I wonder if it will do me any good to get well. I have five stepchildren who hate me. Any one of them could take a step to cause my demise.

QUACKOIR

Zat will require my drawing heavily on my hoodoo, in addition to voodoo. For the hoodoo I will need photographs of yourself and the your stepchildren.

TOM

I do have a picture of myself with my late wife and another one of her with all of them.

FLASHBACK: Maxine giving him the photos.

QUACKOIR

Zat will be be formidable. Bring them to me tomorrow morning. My assistants and I have to prepare proper dolls.

blackout

int. Quackoir's sanctum - Next Morning

ESTABLISHING SHOT

Tom arrives in a battered open-air taxicab with a fringed canopy top. He knocks and the door opens.

QUACKOIR

Aah! Bon jour, Monsieur Tom. Bienvenue.

They enter into his sanctum. Tom hands the photos to Papa Doc.

QUACKOIR

Are you sure you want to go ahead Monsieur Tom?

tom

(some poor French)

Mais oui. Proceed Silverplate.

QUACKOIR

What is zis "silverplate?" Oh..You mean "s'il vous plait." Ha Ha. I heard that one years ago. You're welcome. Let us proceed. First you must remove your clothing and lie on the table.

Placing his iPhone next to him,  Tom strips down to his Defends.

quackoirAs

For our safety please keep on ze diaper.

Drumming, singing, chanting, dancing, incense burning, all commence again in a wild frenzy. Quackoir takes the voodoo doll that an Fifi has prepared and shows it to Tom. He cuts Tom's face from one photo and attaches it to the front of the doll's head. He then takes a large fig leaf, waves it through the smoke source, and sprinkles it with various liquids.

TOM

Where do you get such large fig leaves?

QUACKOIR

I get zem on E-Bay, from ze Vatican's department of art censorship.

QUACKOIR

First we take care of the E.D. and Kidney/bladder problems. Also which of the stepchildren do you wish me first to cast a hoodoo spell upon so as to protect you?

Tom points to Juan in the photograph. Quackoir cuts Juan's face out of the photograph and attaches it to the back of the doll's head making a two sided doll.

QUACKOIR

First we call upon your good loa to join us and rain upon you urological health.

The drumming and dancing reach a crescendo as Papa Doc with great fanfare places the fig leaf over the diaper at Tom's genital area. Tom is still conscious. Quackoir is grinding plants in a mortar and pestle. He dumps them into a container.

tom

(uneasily)

Er...what is that you're mixing up?

QUACKOIR

Eet ees my special potion for ze urological problems.

Quackoir starts to have Tom drink the potion, but stops and goes back to add more ingredients.

Quackoir takes a bottle of pills and dumps a number of them into the mixture and stirs it. He repeats the process three times.

TOM

What are those things you're adding?

QUACKOIR

They are my "just in case" ingredients, Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra.

TOM

That should do the job on my ED.

QUACKOIR

One more thing.

He adds pills from a bottle. 

CLOSEUP: Bottle reads FLOMAX.

He stirs the mixture and Tom gulps it down almost choking on it. All activities abruptly stop as if frozen in time. Tom passes out.

SOUND: Very loud drum beats commence.

SANCTUM: Tom is still lying on the table as Quackoir leans over to wake him up from a trance.

QUACKOIR

Monsieur Tom you should now have no problem in zee urological areas.

TOM

How can I be sure of that?

QUACKOIR

I give you the proof positive.

Quackoir puts a support behind Tom's back and claps his hands three times. Fifi comes to the foot of the table and in a strip tease removes the small amount of clothing she wears. A CLOSE UP shows the leaf over Tom's genitals over the diaper rising to a startling height as the tabs on the Defends tear loose.

QUACKOIR

Mademoiselle Fifi will accompany you to ze work bench in the bedroom where you can verify ze effectiveness of my treatment.

Tom jumps spryly from the table and Fifi leads him seductively out of the room.

FADE TO

INT. A bedroom in a house - DAY

We see Juan in bed having sex with his latest conquest a married WOMAN with the usual sounds and activities. He gets out of bed.

JUAN

By the way, what's your name?

Woman

Nell. Nell Tell...a.k.a.  Mrs WILLIAM Tell. Get back in bed. Let's have an encore to this matinee.

JUAN

Just a sec, I have to text something  before I ring Nell Tell's bell.

We see Juan open an app on his phone.

CLOSE UP OF PHONE It reads: PAIR DIAPER TO PHONE VIA BLUETOOTH?

He presses YES.

He presses ARM.

In Haiti The small green LED on Tom's diaper turns red.

The phone screen reads: DIAPER IS LOADED

INTERCUT BETWEEN BEDROOM AND SANCTUM

BEDROOM: Juan's finger is poised over the detonation button on the iPhone.

SOUND: Loud drum beats are heard.

SANCTUM: Quackoir holds the doll up, takes a large decorated pin and drives it through the groin of both sides of the doll.

SOUND: The final drum beats hit a creshendo and stop.

BEDROOM: The door flies open and an irate husband WILLIAM TELL carrying a double barrel shotgun bursts in. Juan jumps up and covers his genitals with the iPhone. The Apple insignia showing.

william tell

You slimy bastard. I've heard all about your sexual prowess. I'll put an end to your shitty fun and games.

juan

Do you have a license to carry that weapon?

william tell

It's only a twelve gauge double for sport, but It'll wipe out your weapon.

woman

(screaming)

Don't shoot me, Honey, I'm sorry. He drugged me and I got carried away. I've never done anything like this before. Please forgive me. I love only you!

WILLIAM TELL'S POV

Sighting down the shotgun length, the Apple on the iPhone hiding Juan's Genitals is seen.

SOUND: BANG

flash cut to

WILLIAM TELL'S POV

Again, sighting down the shotgun length, Juan's face is seen.

SOUND: Second BANG

flash cut to

He turns Nell over his knee and as he spanks her they both become aroused. A wild S&M scene ensues.

woman

Keep it up I love it... More... More!

WILLIAM TELL

I'll make that ass of yours look like a babboon's.

With each (SOUND) smack.

woman

Ooooh. Ooooh!

EXT. the house where juan was shot - day

A black vehicle arrives at the house. The vehicle has the identification painted on the side.

        BURNHAM-BLACK CREMATORIUM

Two men HANK and LARRY take a gurney from the vehicle and enter the house. They are then seen loading Juan's body into the van.

Hank

Was dis a guy or a gal? I couldn't tell looking at de crotch or where da face was.

Larry

I dunno, I guess it's a guy. It can't be a broad, since it ain't got no boobs, and it's kinda a hairy too.

int. don scorpio's office - NIGHT

Scorpio and Dom are alone and contracting for a hit man to kill Tom.

scorpio

This is going to cost you an additional 50G's. I have to pay one of my boys to do the job.

dom

Make sure he is a top marksman. The old skinflint has to be shot through the heart for me to win the  money. My draw in the death raffle also includes trauma to the heart.

scorpo

Not to worry. The guy I have in mind is an expert. He will use ammo that does the maximum damage. When he's done the old man's heart will look like chopped liver without the hard boiled eggs mixed in.

dom

I'm counting on you so I can cover my markers.

scorpio

Youse better get the dough, or it'll be your ass.

Dom leaves and Scorpio picks up the telephone and dials a number.

scorpio

ANGELO, I got a job for you.

int. quackoir's sanctum - day

Fifi is decorating another voodoo doll. Tom and Quackoir enter the room; Tom looks very happy.

QUACKOIR

(in French SUBTITLED)

How did it go Fifi cher?

fifi

(in French SUBTITLED)

Tres bien, Papa Doc. He is one grande loveair! It was magnifique! All encores will be most welcome.

QUACKOIR

And you Tom, are you satisfied?

tom

(smiling broadly)

Absolutely!

FIFI

I don't think you'll be needing these anymore, Monsieur!

He wipes his brow, and as he gets dressed again, she, ceremoniously holding it at arms length, drops the diaper into a trash can. The fig leaf flutters to the floor.

tom

Oui oui, Madmosielle, after so long, that was amazing. Fifi you are master tester. I hope my heart can stand the stress I'm going to put it under with this new ability.

QUACKOIR

Not to worry Monsieur Tom, we next go to work on ze heart problem.

Tom has picked up his notebook and is writing.

TOM

What have you planned next Papa Doc?

QUACKOIR

Zis will be a little bit more difficult and will require a larger animal sacrifice.

TOM

It won't be another chicken or duck this time?

QUACKOIR

Mais no, Monsieur. Zis will require stronger medicine. We will sacrifice to your loa, ze goat you saw given to me yesterday.

TOM

No butts about it. That sounds like powerful magic.

QUACKOIR

It is not magic Monsieur Tom. It is ze power of pleasing your loa.

TOM

What do you do with the animal carcass after the treatments?

QUACKOIR

They are delicious with ze barbecue sauce avec beaucoup cayenne. Ze dancing and singing all ze night after ze ritual is much since one of ze special sings we use on ze goat, ze one we call La Mouche Espagnol during your cure makes everyone, how you say, horny. I zink you know it as ze Spanish Fly. But you see for yourself later when the copulating begins.. Now we begin again with you again removing your clothing and climbing onto ze table.

Tom is still taking notes as he sits on the table.

TOM

(picking up the accent)

I cannot wait to see ze results and join in ze barbecue now that zeee...er the Erectile Dysfunction and kidney disease is cured.

The drumming and chanting starts anew, gradually getting louder as the assistants start their ritual dance. The goat is brought in and taken to the adjacent room from which we hear the noises of it bleating.

IN THE ADJACENT ROOM (BACKGROUND)

We see Fifi and an assistant with the goat hanging by its hind feet with large bowl below it. One of the men is sharpening a knife. From the other room we hear the bleating getting louder then suddenly stop as they obviously cut its throat.

Fifi enters the room with a bowl and hands it to Papa Doc. He pours some of the goat blood into his concoction.

QUACKOIR

Monsieur Tom, you must drink this heart potion.

TOM

I'm not going to ask what's in it.

Tom almost throws up drinking the potion.

Fifi is throwing various plants into the incense pot and the smoke in the room gets thicker. The dancers inhale the smoke as they pass by the incense burner and then become wilder.

QUACKOIR

(in French SUBTITLED)

Fifi, please hand me the doll we have prepared.

He takes the voodoo doll previously used and removes the cut out photo of Toms face and places it as the face of a new doll he takes from Fifi. He cuts out Dom's face and attaches it to the back of the doll as before in Juan's case.

Tom 's eyes have rolled back into his head as he goes into a trance.

QUACKOIR

We are now ready for ze moment critique.

QUACKOIR

(in French SUBTITLED)

Fifi cher, give me the heart.

Papa Doc takes the bowl and with some of the remaining blood he draws a target on Tom's chest above the heart. At the bulls eye he places the goat's heart. The drumming chanting and dancing again reach a crescendo and stop.

FADE TO

Everything stops for a few seconds of quiet. Then the drums loudly beat out the sound of a amplified heartbeat as .

ext. Second story window of a building - day

Angelo, the hit man is assembling a high powered rifle with a scope. Through the scope we see the back of a convertible car that has just passed the window and with a man driving alone with the top down. The crosshairs center at the driver's back on the heart area.

INTERCUT BETWEEN SANCTUM and WINDOW

SANCTUM: Papa Doc sticks the decorated pin angled through the doll at the place of the heart on both sides.

WINDOW: The rifle is fired at exactly the same moment as when Quackoir sticks the pin through.

SOUND: BANG

blackout

INT. DON SCORPIO'S OFFICE - DAY

Don Scorpio is watching TV listening to a BREAKING NEWS broadcast. The video is showing the street location where a gangland type murder has occurred and the ANNOUNCER describing the police report. The area is marked off with police "CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS" tape.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Police say that this has all the earmarks of a gangland murder, probably a dispute over drug territories. The victim was apparently shot through the heart with a powerful high caliber rifle. The coroner's assistant said the damage was extensive.

The victim has been identified as Dom Carcass, an heir of the late Flo Carcass Maine. Details at ten!

There is a KNOCK at the door.

scorpio

Who is it?

ANGELO

(Outside door V.O.)

It's me, Angelo, Boss.

scorpio

Come in. I got words with you.

Angelo enters and Scorpio jumps from his chair and grabs him by the throat and is slapping him over and over while Angelo protests.

Angelo

What's wrong Boss. I did the job and came to collect my 5G's.

scorpio

You asshole! You idiot. Clean the wax outta your ears.

I said "Whack Tom Maine not Whack Dom Maine.

ext. Back door of coroner's office - day

The two men from Burnham-Black Crematorium are taking Dom's remains out to their vehicle. This time, they are carrying several large round buckets instead of using a gurney.

hank

Boy after them crime pathologists finish with their autopsies we don't need no gurney.

larry

We could sell this stuff to a dog food company.

blackout

INT. BAR MITZFITS JACK'S OFF-TRACK NITECLUB - NIGHT

Jack and Crystal are discussing how they might expedite Tom's death and make it look like his liver failed. They are high as usual

CRYSTAL

I done some research on the internet at the libry. There is some things that cause sumpin' they call hepatoxicity. I can get some stuff from one of our suppliers that will do the job. If only we can figger out a way to get the old fart to drink some.

jack

I still got the house key, I don't think he has changed the locks since I last stayed there once when my momma was alive.

CRYSTAL

We could put it in his food. Or... does he have a wine cellar, we could put it in his favorite wine. I seen a movie where they used a hypo needle and put it through the cork.

jack

That sounds like a winner. They could never figger we done it when his liver fails and we collect all that cash.

INT . QACKOIR'S SANCTUM - DAY

Tom and Quackoir are discussing his liver problem and cure. Fifi is standing by.

QUACKOIR

I can tell from your yellow color that we have to fix ze crise de fois..er liver problem.

Fifi, another poupee s'il vous plait.

He takes the doll from her and again proceeds to transfer Tom's and Jack's face photos to it.

The rites commence as before, only this time we hear a horse neighing in another room. After much of the usual activities, Quackoir places a very large liver on Tom's abdomen.

SOUND: Horse hoof beats culminating with a loud neigh.

int. Tom's wine cellar - night

Jack and Crystal, both obviously high have selected a bottle of wine. Crystal is loading a large hypo syringe. Jack has located a bottle of whiskey which he opens and they both begin taking big swigs.

JACK

(holding wine bottle)

This is his last bottle of Shottoe Low Feet, his favorite. When he returns from wherever he is, it'll be the first one he drinks.

He hands it to Crystal who struggles with the bottle and hypo.

Crystal

It ain't as easy as it looked in the movie pushing this through the cork. I need another drink.

She puts the syringe on the chair and staggers to the table to join Jack, who is taking a long drink from the bottle.

INTERCUT BETWEEN SANCTUM AND CELLAR

SANCTUM: Quackoir takes the doll and pierces it through with a pin at the liver location.

CELLAR: Jack, staggering around, flops down onto the chair onto the syringe.

SOUND: SQUOOOSH

int. a hospital room - night

A DOCTOR and an INTERN are looking over the bed where Jack lies. The doctor is searching with his stethescope for a heartbeat.

doctor

He's gone. No wonder. Did you see his cat scan.

intern

Yeah. He's obviously been on drugs and booze so long his liver looked like black Swiss cheese.

doctor

Have the body sent to the morgue. I'll sign the Cause of Death Certificate as liver failure.

He pulls the sheet over Jack's head.

ext. Rear of hospital - next Morning

Hank and Larry from Burnham-Black Crematorium are loading Jack's body into their vehicle.

hank

I think you'd better drive Larry. Dis thing is giving off fumes that has got me higher than the last weed I smoked.

LARRY

Wit all the alcohol in dis one, we probly won't need no fuel for the job, we can just put a match to his big toe.

Laughing, they close the back hatch door and drive off.

ext/int. city hall - day

Hedy and Coco walk into the building and we next see them talking with the receptionist who points them to a hallway. Down the hallway is a door marked Dr. Jerry AYTRIC, Director of Welfare for the Aged. He is middle aged, with long gray streaked hair, thick glasses, and a goatee. He shakes a lot.

They knock and enter where they meet Dr. Aytric.

hedy

(lying, and pointing to Coco)

Dr. Aytric, I am Hedy Shrinkopf a licensed practitioner of psychiatry. I have had as a patient, Thomas Maine, the father of Corinne here.

Mr. Maine has been behaving very erratically and is doing such preposterous things that we must have him institutionalized.

Aytric

(skeptically)

Well, we will have to have him examined by a psychiatrist  first.

hedy

I am a qualified licensed psychiatrist.

She digs in her purse and takes out a card.

hedy

Here is my union card.

aytric

Veery interesting. Veery interesting. What local do you belong to? I'm in Local 101.

hedy

I'm in 69.

Aytric calmly fills a glass on his desk from a water carafe, emptying it.

AYTRIC

We will have to get more than one opinion.

hedy

Yes, I agree. However, if you get him on one of his good days it will be difficult to diagnose.

AYTRIC

What is the basis for your insanity diagnosis, doctor?

HEDY

For one thing, as we speak, he is in Haiti, taking up the practice of voodoo.

Aytric calmly opens a bottle of pills he takes from his desk drawer, takes a pill, and drinks from the glass.

AYTRIC

(cleaning the wax out of his ears)

Who do?

HEDY

No voodoo not hoodoo.

AYTRIC

Interesting, this reminds me of a man. But never mind that. Is there more?

HEDY

Well, he is also being reckless with his money. He has invested large sums in PooDoo Corporation chicken processing plants. He believes that sacrificing 500,000 chickens per day will please his personal "loa."

INSERT: A modern chicken processing plant showing the disassembly lines. The smaller line has a sign over it reading: KOSHER, and at the beginning, a rabbi in black with a beard and yarmulke is killing chickens. The larger line has sign over it reading: TEREFAH (NONKOSHER), and at the beginning, a licensed voodoo practitioner resembling a stereotypical witch doctor is waving plants and a incense censer over the chickens.

AYTRIC

What's "loa?"

HEDY

Nothing's lower than Tom Maine, but "Loa" are his personal voodoo gods he thinks he must sacrifice all those chickens to.

AYTRIC

I see.

Aytric calmly reopens the bottle of pills. He takes several from the the bottle, and swallows them with a drink from the glass.

HEDY

Well, actually, there's worse. I think you'll agree, that his ill will and last testament confirms my diagnosis. He held a death raffle where all of his  potential heirs had to draw a slip from a hat. Each slip named one of his diseases, with all his money going to the winner who gets the ailment that kills him. Does that sound like rational behavior?

Aytric secretly refills the carafe under his desk from a hidden bottle of vodka that he takes from a side desk drawer and fills the glass on his desk from the carafe. He reopens the bottle of pills and takes a takes a handfull with the glass of vodka.

aytric

(stroking beard, and slurring words)

You make a very strong case for his commitment. He seems out of touch with reality. There isn't much hope for cases like these. Perhaps shock therapy will help.

INSERT: Scene from Frankenstein with the monster hooked up to wires. Electrical bolts are snapping and popping around his face.

hedy

Doctor, I will file a full report of my professional findings.

As they leave the City Hall, and the office door is closing, we see Aytric has passed out onto his computer keyboard. On the screen there is closeup of a woman with her legs spread apart. Aytric's head hides all except her legs and the "XXX.com" banner scrolling across the top.

Coco and Hedy are walking towards a cab in the parking lot. They are dragging luggage behind them.

COCO

(to taxi driver)

We're off to Africa, head for the airport.

HEDY

I think we're all set.

COCO

Yeah. Looks like the jerk bought the story.

INT. QUACKOIR'S OFFICE - DAY

Papa Doc has selected another voodoo doll and again transfers the photo of Tom's face to the front. To the back he glues the cutout photo of CoCo's face.

CLOSEUP

The doll has breasts. Quackoir peeks under its short skirt.

As the usual ritual goes on, Papa Doc has the doll in his hand ready to stick the voodoo pin through the head.

QUACKOIR

Eet is of ze correct gender.

He fumbles and accidentally drops the doll to the floor.

quackoir

(in French)

Merde.

ENGLISH SUBTITLE: Poopoo.

Scratch, the cat, watching the proceedings from a chair immediately pounces on the doll. Grabbing it, he runs off with the doll, and slips out through a cat door.

ext. An african safari - night

It is night now in Africa and Hedy and CoCo are at a campfire with the safari leader GUIDO STALKALOT. In the night (SOUND)we hear lions roaring.

GUIDO

If you were impressed with the crocodiles and wildebeests, wait until you see the lions making a kill tomorrow.

COCO

I can hardly wait. What a thrill, but I'm pooped and ready to flake out.

hedy

Me too, Guido. See you at daybreak for breakfast.

They retire to their tent. Hedy, flops down on her cot.

COCO

G'night Hedy, love. I have to  powder my nose before I go to  sleep. Where's the little girl's room.

HEDY

(chuckling)

It's in the bush. Oh, and you'll need this.

Hedy tosses Coco a roll of toilet paper.

CoCo creeps out into the dark with a flashlight looking for a suitable spot. As she proceeds, we see a pride of lions stalking her in the darkness. (Think nature shows with eyes shining in the darkness and infrared lighting.)

INTERCUT BETWEEN SANCTUM AND SAFARI

SANCTUM (CLOSEUP): The cat and doll are nestled in amongst marijuana and poppy plants in the garden. After toying with it, he chews the head on the doll like a cat eats a mouse.

SOUND: The amplified sound of a cat eating grizzly meat.

SAFARI: A lion grabs Coco at the head. We hear some muffled sounds in the dark as the lions begin their supper. A group of hyenas assemble awaiting their turn at chow.

fade to

ext. the african safari - morning

At sunrise, we see activity beginning in camp.

SOUND: Birds, elephants, campsite noise.

Hedy awakes and looks for CoCo who is not in her cot which is still made. Frantically she sounds the alarm and the entire group starts a search for CoCo.

AT Site of coco's death:

Hedy, Guido and an AIDE arrive at the site just as the last vulture flies off. All that remains there is a blood spot shaped like a human being (like the chalk outline of a body at crime scene). There is left only the flashlight, one boot, her pith helmet, a wisp of hair and a chewed roll of toilet paper.

aide

Bwana Guido. De hyenas and vultures done et everyting, bones and all.

hedy

(sobbing)

Are there any remains of CoCo at all?

GUIDO

The hyenas have powerful jaws, and the vultures never miss a scrap.

INTERCUT BETWEEN SANCTUM AND SAFARI

SANCTUM: Scratch the cat is in Quackoirs garden lying on his side. Purring, he licks his chops and cleans his fur. There is the impression of the voodoo doll in the mud, but all that remains are a patch of hair, a small pith helmet, a boot, a small wad or chewed up cotton stuffing resembling TP, and some flies leaving, all in parallel to the scene of CoCo's death.

SAFARI: Hedy slowly walks back to the tent in tears.

guido

(comforting Hedy)

There, there. I'm so sorry Ms. Hedy. So sorry. This is the first time anything like this happened on a Kantya Safari. I will take care of notifying her nearest of kin for you, I have the information from her papers and the releases you signed.

hedy

(lying to Guido)

Did anyone see any of her fingers there. She was wearing a ring I gave her. It was not valuable, just a keepsake of sentimental value only to me.

guido

Nary a thing. Just what you see there after the hyenas and vultures finished the lion's left overs.

INT. QUACKOIR'S OFFICE - next DAY

Tom is sitting in a chair on his cell phone.

tom

Yes this is Tom Maine. Oh, Hello Maxine. How are you? (Pause) That's nice. (Pause) Yes, I'm sitting. (Pause) What? All four of them dead on the same day? How can that be possible?

He listens intently to the details for a short time.

TOM

Thanks for using my family's standing arrangements with Burnham-Black for   cremations.

tom

(aghast, to Quackoir)

Papa Doc, your hoodoo worked too much they are all dead.

QUACKOIR

If they are dead it was because they were trying to kill you! That's how my hoodoo works.

TOM

I will have to go home to further arrange things. They have been cremated and I plan to give their ashes to their closest friend or significant other. They can scatter them or do what they feel is appropriate with them.

QUACKOIR

Have you not one more son?

TOM

Yes, he is Dale the race car nut. He's the one who drew death by trauma.

QUACKOIR

I have his picture here and will cast a hoodoo spell to protect you from accidental death, or as you say trauma.

TOM

I must say adieu, Papa Doc. I will be back soon to continue work on my book and I promise a big surprise for you as a reward for curing my illnesses.

ext. airport at tom's city - evening

Tom is getting into a car driven by Maxine. They hug briefly and she drives off.

TOM

Thanks for picking me up, Maxine. What can you tell me about Flo's four kid's deaths.

She hands him a newspaper sitting on the seat.

AS TOM READS

MAXINE

It explains that Juan was shot by a jealous husband.

TOM

That figures.

maxine

The TV said that Dom was murdered apparently because he owed gangsters a lot of money he couldn't pay.

TOM

That doesn't surprise me either. He spent all his time and inheritance in Vegas.

MAXINE

Jack, seems to have, OD'd on some bad drugs, and Corinne was killed by a lion on a safari in Africa.

TOM

All of this on the same day!

MAXINE

So it seems.

TOM

That's weird.

MAXINE

I think so too.

tom

Any news of Dale?

MAXINE

No news about him.

TOM

He's probably celebrating, thinking that he is the only heir. 

MAXINE

That sounds like him.

Tom

Maxine, how's about dinner tomorrow night.

MAXINE

Sounds good, can we go to the Chow Chow again, where we can dance?

TOM

Same time, same place. Only this time I am able to dance for more than a few minutes.

INSERT: Shot of five boxes of Tide

int. ballbuster Athletic club - day

ESTABLISHING SHOT:  an athletic club. Sign:

        BALLBUSTER ATHLETIC CLUB

Tom is working out under the supervision of his Personal TRAINER. Tom is seen using many of the exercise machines doing numerous reps and later lifting large free weights. At the treadmill his trainer is standing-by cracking a bull whip as he watches Tom running at high speed.

trainer

(lookiing at his watch)

Ten more minutes and you're ready for laps in the pool.

In the pool, Tom is doing laps at a fast speed.

TOM

(to trainer)

You up to a couple of sets of tennis.

trainer

You're on.

int.  BALLBUSTER steam room - SAME DAY

Several men are in the steam room after their workout as Tom leaves the hot tub and enters. They are sitting and conversing, but are mostly unseen in the steam.

TOM

I often wonder what archaeologists 10,000 years from now will think when digging up the ruins of this place? I can see it now.

DISSOLVE TO

EXT.  aN ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG - DAY

GRAPHIC      10,000 YEARS HENCE

Graduate STUDENT types are seen digging in several locations as Dr. Louis Drippey, a stereotypical archaeologist with a german accent, is examining objects with a magnifying glass and reviewing his notes at a folding table.

student

(shouting excitedly from a distance)

Doctor Drippey! Come here quick, we have unearthed something very interesting.

Drippey rushes over and they are looking at a fragment of a partially unearthed, ancient piece of wood. Drippey brushes away the dirt and gradually, barely discernible is the word:

                BALLBUSTER

Next we see some students have uncovered a number of large rusted out machines. They are using dental tools to remove dirt. On closer look we can identify them as exercise machines.

drippey

Veery. interesing.

student 1

What do you think they are, Dr.Drippey?

drippey

Obviously some form of torture devices.

A shout from another STUDENT 2 nearby.

student 2

Dr. Drippey! We've uncovered two strange looking rooms.

Drippey rushes over and looks at the remaining parts of two ancient rooms.

STUDENT 2

(pointing)

This one has what appears to be remnants of pumps and a heating system, and that one, over there, has what appears to be some sort of steam generator.

drippey

The engineers can determine what they actually are. My guess is that this whole setup is some sort of a torture chamber used by the primitive people who lived here.

student 1

What do you figure they used the steamer and hot water boilers for?

Drippey

Obviously they were cannibals. After torturing their victims to death, they boiled and ate them.

STUDENT 2

Does it make sense Doctor Drippey? If they killed them by making them work out on those machines, wouldn't they be skinny, tough, and stringy instead of tender with marbled fat.

Drippey

That's what the steam pressure cooker was for, to make them less tough, and more al dente.

FADEout

int.  chow CHOW supper club - night

Tom and Maxine are having after dinner drinks as they watch several couples on the floor dancing.

MAXINE

That's a beautiful dance. I wonder what it's called.

TOM

I think it's called West Coast Swing. It's new to me. I was good at the Lindy, Tango, and other dances that were popular years ago.

MAXINE

It looks like fun. It wasn't popular when I was a part time Arthur Murray instructor when in college.

TOM

Why don't we take some lessons together?

MAXINE

Let's.

INT. A DANCE STUDIO - NIGHT

ESTABLISHING SHOT:

THE MURRAY ARTHUR DANCE STUDIO

We see the two of them taking a dance lesson with an INSTRUCTOR. They are doing many fancy moves.

instructor

You two are a perfect team. I've never seen such quick studies.

 maxine

You're a dream to dance with, Tom.

TOM

(kissing her neck)

You're a dream... period.

INSERT: Shot of six boxes of Tide

int. a large ballroom - night

We see Tom & Maxine at a dance competition doing lots of lifts, and other strenuous moves. the contestant men all wear numbers on their back. They are later seen dancing close to a slow number and end up in a passionate embrace.

MAXINE

Shall we go upstairs?

TOM

Your room or mine?

They are next seen impatiently awaiting at the elevator as she nervously pushes the up button several times.

int.  hotel room

It culminates with them in a hotel room and a romantic sex scene that is blended with alternating shots of a gyrating, foaming, top loading washing machine with one of six boxes of tide spilling over into the machine. As the sex scene progresses so do the various washing machine cycles with it bouncing and vibrating about.

At the climax, the washing machine starts the drain cycle and we see water over flowing from the drain pipe into the laundry tub.

They fall asleep in each others arms.

FADE TO

The next morning the room is sunny.

maxine

(yawning)

The night was wonderful, Tom. I had forgotten how great sex can be with someone you love. And I do love you.

tom

I love you too. I can't believe how lucky I am to have you. For years, I've felt this way, but with my age and all those medical problems, I couldn't justify asking you out.

MAXINE

You should have. Actually, I felt the same way.

As the scene closes we see the washing machine starting up again. A box of BOUNCE and a bottle of SHOUT fall into the washer.

SOUND: Replay of washing machine sounds.

MAXINE (O.S.)

Ohhh Tom!

TOM (O.S.)

I love it when you shout it out, Maxine!

EXT. GARAGE AT TOM'S HOUSE - DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT:

We see the house to be at the top of a steep hill with a large hairpin curve below the driveway.

Dale drives up and parks his car out of sight of the house. He then sneaks into the open garage and lifts the hood of Tom's expensive convertible sports car. It has the top down and is facing outwards. He is muttering to himself as he is cutting a brake line and weakening the seat belt.

He hears Tom coming to the garage and Dale escapes just in time.

Tom starts the car and roars out picking up speed racing down the long driveway toward the right angle turn onto the street.

INT. QUACKOIR'S OFFICE - DAY

Quackoir and Fifi are preparing another doll. They speak in French with SUB-TITLES.

fifi

What will this doll be for Papa Doc?

QUACKOIR

It is to protect Monsieur
Tom from death by trauma.

After affixing the cutout photos of Tom and Dale.

QUACKOIR

Fifi, hand me that personal protection device you made last night.

She hands him what in a CLOSEUP we see to be a miniature seat belt which he puts on the voodoo doll.

QUACKOIR

And now the other one, cher.

He puts a miniature life jacket on the doll.

quackoir

That should do the trick.

The usual ritual drumming and chanting by the group starts.

Papa Doc has the doll and is across the room from the cat's water bowl with Fifi at his side.

INSERT: Cat's bowl with "SCRATCH" on the side.

He places the voodoo doll under her three pointed fig leaf G-string. She is dancing and wildly gyrating at her hips. The drumming goes into a long drum roll and Fifi does a huge grind ending in a mega bump.

SLOW MOTION

We see the doll and fig leaf flying high and across the room and both land exactly into the bowl with a splash.

QUACKOIR

Good shot, Fifi! It's a three pointer.

EXT. THE ROAD TO TOM'S HOUSE

Tom crashes through the guard rail and the car flies high and down the steep slope. In SLOW MOTION we see Tom flying through the air with part of  the torn seat belt hanging from his waist.

On the road below Dale's car is coming around the bend at high speed and proceeding down the straightaway. Just in time to meet Tom's empty car as it lands on top of Dale's in a giant explosion.

BACK TO TOM STILL IN SLOW MOTION.

Tom is in the air and apparently doomed.

ext. A swimming pool - day

A pool party is under way. Many of the guests are sexy women. They are drinking and some are swimming. Seen from a distance we see it is the house downhill from Tom's, inside the hairpin curve. The party host, MIKE, and a guest, NICOLE, are talking. Nicole is wearing fig leaf bikini, with matching bra and thong. Out of the sky, Tom falls into the swimming pool landing with a big splash astride a duck headed flotation ring. Water splashes over everyone.

NICOLE

Looks like someone has crashed your party Mike.

MIKE

Nah! It's just my neighbor Tom dropping in, as usual, unannounced.

NICOLE

(spitting and dumping her drink out)

Ugh... chlorine.

Nicole, trying to help Tom out of the pool, falls into it. Tom is seen crawling out of the pool from behind.

Nicole exits the pool, and is seen nude from the back. Covering herself with her hands she approaches Tom.

NICOLE

(to Tom)

Sir! I think you have something of mine!

Her fig leaf bikini is draped across Tom's face.

As he sits recovering, he is handed a large fancy rum drink.

TOM

Thanks Mike. I need a drink, but ditch that damn umbrella!

int. Living room at Tom's house - day

ESTABLISHING SHOT:

Tom's house with cars parked in front.

Tom has arranged an assembly of the closest associates of each of the stepchildren. He is at a large table that holds four funeral urns plus one large FedEx box.

TOM

I have received these funerary urns containing what Burnham-Black calls "cremains." The death business is great for euphemisms. While reading their obituary notices, I saw that in this large city, my step kids were the only people who died. However, 202 "passed away"; 50 "departed this life" 20 "achieved eternal rest" 10 "were called to Jesus' arms" one "kicked down heaven's door," and one, no doubt a musician, "was called up for a gig with heaven's band."

I have invited you folks, who knew my late step kids better than I did, to join me here. It will be appropriate for you to have their ashes to either keep or scatter in a way you feel is best, considering your relationship with them.

He takes one urn and gives it to Will Fixem.

TOM

I'm sure you may want to scatter these on a track, or something related to cars.

fixem

That I'll do, sir.

INSERT: Will is seen putting the ashes into the trunk of his car.

EXT. AN ICY MOUNTAIN ROAD - DAY

Will Fixem and a COMPANION are driving on an icy road in a car with skis on top. They skid around on a slope and can't get traction. Will is sitting in the passenger seat as the wheels spin.

Companion

Shit, Will. We'll need a tow truck to get us out of here.

will

Not to worry, I have a solution.

He pops the trunk open, gets out and takes the urn from it and spreads Dale's ashes in front of the tires. They then get going with Will running and pushing as he jumps back into the car. The urn is seen flying out the window and down the mountainside.

int. Living ROOM AT Tom's house

We return to the living room, where Tom is giving the second urn to Crystal, Jack's woman, who is obviously stoned as she can hardly make it to the table.

TOM

(patting her on the shoulder)

I see that you are taking it hard.

crystal

Thanks a lot. I'll take care of dem ashes.

int. BAR MITZFITS JACK'S OFF-TRACK NITECLUB - NIGHT

Crystal and the usual group of drug MOOCHERS are sitting around a table watching Crystal lay out lines for snorting.

moocher

(snorting a line)

Where'd you get this stuff Crystal. Its heavy shit.

Moocher falls back into his chair and his eyes roll back in his head.

CRYSTAL

That's my secret, boys and girls.

They all take straws and snort lines and are totally stoned and amazed.

MOOCHER

C'mon Crystal, what the hell is this stuff?

Crystal

(giving in reluctantly)

Okay, it's Jack's ashes guys. Good shit huh?

Crystal picks up the urn and points at it.

CRYSTAL

You could earn a living selling this jack.

int. Living ROOM AT Tom's house

We return to the living room, where Tom is giving third urn is given to Juan's wife Carol. Tom gives her a hug.

carol

He was a good person... at first.

TOM

(amazed at her words)

I'm sure you will treat these consistent with your feelings for Juan.

int. jUAN And CAROL'S APARTMENT - DAY

Carol enters carrying the urn. She's now well dressed and nicely groomed. As she arrives her cat rubs itself against her leg and she pets it. She immediately goes to the refrigerator pours a glass wine and drinks from it. She turns on the radio.

SOUND: "Burning Love" by Elvis

Humming to the music, she then empties the cat box into a plastic bag, opens the urn and dumps Juan's ashes into the cat box. Setting the empty urn on the table, dumps what's left of the unused cat litter into the urn for future use. The cat hops in and squats.

SOUND: scratch, scratch, scratch.

int. Living ROOM AT Tom's house

We return to the living room, where Tom  gives the fourth urn to Blanche, Dom's woman.

ext. blanche's automobile - day

Blanche has left the meeting and is driving alone with Dom's urn on the passenger seat. She turns into the first strip mall she sees and goes to the rear of a restaurant where she dumps Dom's ashes into the dumpster.

Leaving, she stops at a pawn shop, gets out with the urn and we see her leave the shop without the urn and counting some money.

MATCH CUT TO

INT. A CASINO AT A CRAP TABLE - DAY

Blanche, holding the money, is at a crap table. The DEALER passes her the dice with his stick.

dealer

Coming out. place your bets please.

Blanche puts the money on the line, rolls the dice.

dealer

Boxcars.

She shrugs and leaves the table.

int. Living ROOM AT Tom's house

We return to the living room, where Tom pauses and then opens the box removing a large container from the FedEx box.

Tom

Corinne's case is special. It's best I read the letter I received with this box from Kantya Safari leader, Guido Stalkalot rather than try to explain things myself.

He takes the letter from the envelope and reads.

TOM

Dear Mr. Maine. You have our sincere condolences on the death of CoCo. We want to assure you that all of the usual safety precautions were taken. She apparently wandered off into the bush at night despite our warnings against going alone without armed guides.

In order to provide closure to you and her loved ones, we combed a widespread area of the bush to see if any of her remains were to be found and sent home. Alas, there were none. We therefore collected every bit of lion scat and hyena droppings within the known range of the pride that attacked her. We are sending this to you prepaid.

In order to be sure we had her remains, we had DNA tests made comparing a tiny bit of hair we found at the site of her unfortunate accident to the contents of this container.

You can be assured that this is the "lion's share" of CoCo. There is however approximately 15% wildebeest and 5% miscellaneous small African quadrupeds mixed in.

I recommend that you have a closed casket funeral unless it is an outdoor service or in a room with good ventilation.

Please extend our special condolences to her friend Hedy.

Very Truly Yours

Guido Stalkalot, Guide

Kantya Safaris

He asks Hedy, who is already accompanied by her new lover JANET, to take the container.

INSERT: The box has a Bio-Hazard symbol.

Tom asks Hedy to take the FedEx box.

TOM

Hedy, please take CoCo's remains.

Hedy

Mr. Maine, I 'm not sure how to handle this. It's not the sort of thing you'd keep around the house.

Tom looks askance at Janet who is stil sitting.

TOM

I'm sure you'll think of something.But please don't open it here.

int. hedy's House - day

Hedy and her new lover Janet are in the kitchen kissing.

janet

Of course, I love you Hedy. I'm excited that you want to marry me. We can do so in Minnesota or any of many other states now. Will you be getting me an engagement ring?

Hedy

Oh yeah! I got one for you today.

She goes into another room and returns holding the container with CoCo's "remains" at arms length. We see the Bio-Hazard Symbol and on the side of the box a warning:

CAUTION - OPEN ONLY IN WELL VENTILATED AREA

HEDY

(pointing)

Sweetie, hand me that serving spoon and the sifter.

ext. hedy's back yard - day

Janet's POV

From the kitchen, we see Hedy in the back yard wearing a face mask. From the box, she is spooning CoCo's "remains" into the sifter, and turning the crank over some rose bushes.

Hedy returns to the kitchen holding at arms length the sifter with the ring and several other pieces of jewelry in it.

hedy

Quick, open the dishwasher sweetheart.

 GRAPHIC: LATER

Hedy removes the sieve with jewelry in it from the dishwasher and picking through the jewelry, she identifies each item as NOSE, EARS, BELLY BUTTON, TONGUE, LIPS, Etc. Finding the engagement ring she puts it on Janet's finger.

Janet sniffs the ring guardedly and it passes her sniff-test.

janet

(shedding joyful tears)

It's beautiful. I love you.

A passionate embrace.

hedy

We'll have beautiful roses in time for our wedding.

They embrace and we next see Hedy spraying the kitchen with Fabreeze.

int. Living ROOM AT Tom's house

We return to the living room.

TOM

That's all I have to say folks, Thanks for coming, and now the bar will be officially open.

There is a stampede for the free drinks, led by Crystal.

int. doctor's office at Ketchup clinic - day CONTINUOUS

During a blizzard, with piled up snow, a taxi pulls up to a large medical campus. The SIGN over the entrance reads:

               Welcome to the
               KETCHUP CLINIC
           Rochester Minnesota Branch

Tom spryly exits the cab, slipping on the ice he catches himself, and warily enters the clinic. Inside he goes to the admissions desk where he is greeted by a CLERK.

CLERK

May I help you sir?

TOM

I'm scheduled for a complete physical checkup with Doctor HEINZ, Doctor DELMONTE, and Doctor HUNTS.

MONTAGE: Tom undergoing various tests, some of which we see in more detail.

AT THE EXAMINATION ROOM.

Tom is taking off his pants next to a table. Dr. Heinz has what is an oversized tool in his hand. The end resembles a dried ear of corn.

TOM

What the hell is that?

heinz

It's my special colonoscope.

INSERT: Roto-Rooter truck.

TOM

Grease it up well, Doc.

Heinz has a grease gun and is pumping through a grease fitting.

heinz

This won't hurt a bit, now.

A short pause and Tom's face shows pain.

TOM

(teeth clenched)

Like hell it wont.

Doing a hernia test. Dr. Hunts is standing before Tom.

hunts

Turn your head and cough, please.

Tom shivers and coughs.

TOM

(after coughing)

You should warm your hands, Doc. Better yet, have that pretty nurse redo the test.

HUNTS

If you wish.

The nurse, in scrubs, turns around and it is a male nurse with a mustache, who is holding a large pair of forceps.

AT THE MRI ROOM.

Tom is having an MRI taken. The noises it makes are extremely loud.

SOUND: Cash registers going ca-ching.

BACK TO THE DOCTORS OFFICE.

He is talking with Doctors Heinz, DelMonte, and Hunts while several other interns are listening.

heinz

We have reviewed your medical record sent to us by Dr. KILLMAN and compared it to our examination.

delmonte

We are all amazed at the difference. You are in perfect health and look like a much younger person. With your permission, we will be writing articles in medical journals about your case.

INSERT: CLOSEUP of Article in New England Journal of Medicine headlined.

         AMAZING VOODOO CURES.

int. A medical operating room

TV Screen a NEWSCASTER introducing Dr. SUNIL CUREBAD, an Indian medical reporter.

newscaster

Now we go to Dr. Goopa-Curabad, our medical reporter for the latest developments in Alternative Medicine.

We see Dr. Curebad, wearing blood spattered surgical garb, a stethoscope around his neck, a surgical mask and cap, and wielding a scalpel over a patient bent over the edge of an operating table with a bare ass showing. He is strenuously digging around in his work. Looking up he faces the camera.

curEBad

(with Indian accent)

This haemorrhoidectomy too is destined to become an obsolete procedure with the latest advances in Alternative Medicine. I am speaking specifically of the now famous Voodoo practice of Papa Doc Quackoir of Haiti. His highly publicized miraculous cure of the now well known retired food baron, Thomas Maine. has precipitated a major overhaul of medical school curricula.

A full year of Animal Husbandry, with emphasis on ornithology, has become a requirement for a Doctorate.

These before and after videos show the remarkable results of Quackoir's method.

FLASHBACK WITH GRAPHICS

FLASHBACK: BEFORE, We see the sickly Tom Maine entering the reception area of Tom Maine Foods.

FLASHBACK: AFTER, another shot of him healthy and running on the treadmill and of him working out.

curebad

Despite vigorous negative advertising by the pharmaceutical industry decrying Dr.Quackoir's methodoogy as mumbo-jumbo, and labeling it as "Quackoirgate," research at the National Institute of Health has verified the authenticity and effectiveness of his cures.

The Ketchup Clinic of Minnesota, always at the leading edge of medical technology, has been quick to adapt to these new approaches.

INSERT: We see numerous truckloads of poultry, cattle, and other livestock arriving at the clinic.

curebad

Now, back to our Newsroom.

NEWSCASTER

Major stock exchanges have shut down temporarily to halt the downward spiral of pharmacetical and medical equipment stocks. We now go to Dr. Phil PFILLEFLASCHE, C.E.O. of Pfester Pharmaceuticals, at their Headquarters in Munich, Germany.

ESTABLISHING SHOT:

Pfester Pharmaceuticals GMBH sign in front of large campus.

A parody of a German business man. He is standing behind a podium with the Pfester Logo, a fuming testtube.

TV Screen Graphic: Dr. Phil Pfilleflasche, Geschäftsführer

NEWSCASTER

Pfester shareholders are anxious to hear your plans to stop the 90% decline in their stock value.

pfilleflasche

(in German with subtitle)

Our staff is working on the issue. All medical companies were caught by this minor market correction. We expect to move forward with a finding that lets Pfester Pharmaceutical's fight fiercly in the pharmaceutical field.

SUBTITLE      WE'RE PFUCKED

INSERT: CLOSEUP HEADLINE in American Journal of Urology

           UROLOGISTS "GO WITH THE FLOW."
Cystoscopes being traded via E-Bay for chicken coops.

ext.  port au prince haiti - day

              TWO YEARS LATER       

Tom and Maxine are at the airport and hop into a cab.

INT. QUACKOIR INSTITUTE - DAY CONTINUOUS

ESTABLISHING SHOT:

Tom and Maxine arrive at a large modern medical building which on closer look we see the name:

SIGN: QUACKOIR INSTITUTE FOR ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE.

RECEPTION AREA

There is a long line of people entering the building in various stages of illness and a second line of people leaving in good health singing and cavorting. They enter the building and Papa Doc meets them. Papa Doc and Tom hug briefly.

QUACKOIR

Bienvenu, Tom.

TOM

Papa Doc, I'd like you to meet my wife Maxine.

MAXINE

It's very nice to meet you Papa Doc. It's amazing what you've done for Tom's energy and stamina.

QUACKOIR

(to Maxine)

It was an honneur to help monsieur Tom. He was in such need. And he was tres kind to have this magnifique clinic built for us. He also set up trusts to support it in the future so it will be free to all people regardless of race, religion or sexual orientation.

DOWN A LONG CORRIDOR

They walk down a long corridor and stop at the typical hospital departments. Their first stop is a window with a chair on the outside. Inside we see Fifi wearing a nurse's uniform. A PATIENT, in bad shape, is registering for treatment. They speak in French with SUBTITLES.

patient

I don't know where to turn. I'm sure I have Stage 1 Caribbean Parapluie Plague and have no hospitalization.

FIFI

No problem. There is no charge at Papa Doc's clinic. A very rich American built and supports the clinic. "May his Loas Bless him."

FIFI

(seeing Tom, coyly)

Bon jour monsieur Tom.

TOM

(quickly, interrupts)

Fifi, nice to see you. This is my wife, Maxine.

FIFI

(to Maxine)

So nice to meet you Maxine. You are a very lucky woman madame!

TOM

(blushing)

Ahhh... Ahhh...

MAXINE

(interrupting Tom, smiling at him)

Thank you Fifi, I'm very well aware of that!

Winking at Tom, she pinches his behind and he jumps.

Continuing down the hall, they stop at a counter with a sign above it that reads:

               ADMISSIONS

INSERT: A confessional with a person inside and a priest inside the lattice.

MAXINE

I guess those who die of old age waiting to check in, have a free ticket to heaven.

QUACKOIR

No no, madame, we have no need for morgue here.

Further down the hall, they walk past a series of marked doors:

           OPERATING ROOM

       KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING

Quackoir knocks and a VOICE responds.

voice (o.S.)

Who is it?

QUACKOIR

It is Papa Doc.

VOICE

Do not enter Sir, we have a procedure in process.

We hear the SOUND (O.S.) through the door various animal noises and the usual chanting, drumming and singing.

QUACKOIR

We go instead to an unoccupied O.R.

Inside, are voodoo trappings, except for a modern overhead light as seen above an operating table.

As he opens another door, a cloud of smoke greets them. The door sign reads:

              INHALATION THERAPY

Inside, patients are seated in hospital gowns, some with butts showing. Staff members, in green scrubs, are gathered around a huge water bong with the patients. All, including the staff, have tubes connecting them to the bong. They are giggling.

QUACKOIR

It is medical weed, Tom. We import it from Colorado.

Inhaling some of the smoke, Tom gets a slight buzz on.

TOM

(a bit wobbly)

You'll have to give me the name of your source. That's powerful ganja er... medicine.

Quackoir leads them into a room named:

            CENTRAL SUPPLY

Quackoir opens the door and they peer inside where there is a large automated machine producing voodoo dolls at high speed.

SOUND: Machinery whirring.       

QUACKOIR

We have the very latest malchinery. It keeps operating costs down. So we don't have to charge outrageous fees to pay for expensive equipment that is hardly used. Nor do our pratitioners order unnecessary tests to increase revenue.

Another savings, is that we have a continuous supply of poultry, meats, and spices for our Food Preparation Department. We have few beds since most are same-day patients as you were, Tom.

MAXINE

(interjecting)

Yes! Your equipment needs are certainly modest.  Mostly a few cages of various sizes, drums, and feeders. You do, however have to have a veterinarian on call.

Inside the room also contains empty cages of various sizes, drums, incense pots, feathers, and other accoutremont of the voodoo trade.

As they proceed down the hall and each door is opened it reveals larger and larger animals. Proceeding from rats, to chickens, to goats, pigs, sheep, horses, and cows etc. He points to the smaller animals in the first room they enter

QUACKOIR

These are for the minor ailments. As the sickness becomes more serious, we need larger and larger animals.

MAXINE

That figures. Is there any correlation with the size of the guest list at your cook outs?

QUACKOIR

Ha. Ha.. You make good joke Madame. These sacrificial animals are for moderate cases.

Inside the next room are horses, cows, and zebras. The door sign reads

          INTENSIVE CARE UNIT

The sign on the next even larger door he opens reads:

           SEVERE CARE UNIT

INSERT: A rhinocerous is seen grazing on marijuana plants.

Continuing the tour, they arrive at an overhead door that requires both of them to lift. Its sign says:

           CRITICAL CARE UNIT

Inside there are two mating elephants.

SOUND: Elephants trumpeting.

TOM

Holy Moley, Papa Doc, what do you do with all that meat after the sacrifices?

QUACKOIR

We label it China Prime Beef and ship it to Malmart Supermarkets in the U.S.

MAXINE

(Looking at male elephant, eyebrows raised)

Did you use a elephant for Tom?

QUACKOIR

No no madame. We used a horse!

Maxine, nodding and touching her chin pensively, gives Tom a nudge with her elbow.

Finally they arrive at what looks like an airplane hangar door. He pushes a button and it gradually lifts showing a whale in a tank. The door sign says:

         ALMOST DEAD CARE UNIT

QUACKOIR

Some do not come for help until they are near death. They are the uninsured, who used to frequent the emergency rooms of traditional hospitals. They raised the cost to the insured.

MAXINE

Holy cow! Papa Doc! What do you do with the carcasses that aren't Tom's step kids?

QUACKOIR

We ship them to Japan.  It is a good source of revenue. A whale, with USDA PRIME stamp on it, covers operating expenses for months.

INSERT: We see a food processing plant with a government inspector wearing a gas mask stamping every package that goes past him on the line.  He picks up one obviously moldy package which  he looks at and returns to the line. Next a whale fluke passes by and he stamps it.

As other packages go by we see:

CLOSEUPS  the first label reads:

                  BELUGA

The second package with a large bump in it reads:

               HUMPBACK

He picks up the third labeled:

               PRIME SPERM

He quickly places it back on the conveyer,  removes and  discards his latex gloves, takes a Clean Wipe from a box, and wipes his hands.

BACK TO SCENE

Continuing down the hall, Quackoir leads him to another room and opens the door marked:

             PHARMACY

Inside Tom sees a vast array of bottles of various strange plants and other weird and non-existent things like dried bat wings, snake toe nails, tincture of kiwi wing tip, fish feathers, extract of toad wart, etc

Continuing, Quackoir leads them to a door marked:

            OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY

Inside we glimpse a row of beds occupied by couples having sex in varied positions. Some are of the same sex. Some participants are hanging from the ceiling in harnesses.

TOM

I can see why there is a long line waiting to get into the clinic.

Continuing, they look inside the door marked

         DIAGNOSTIC IMAGING

There is a strange machine with a patient inside it. (SOUND) The machine makes the usual very loud noises of an MRI except interspersed among the noises are screams of people being tortured.

Continuing, then end up looking into the room labeled:

             ANAESTETICS

Inside is a chinese opium den.

Continuing, they arrive at:

              NEO NATAL

Inside we see a chicken incubator with baby chicks hatching.

SOUND: Chicks peeping.

Maxine picks up a cracked egg with a chicken hatching. She shows it to Tom and they help it break out of the shell.

QUACKOIR

Thank you. That's a future cure and a pot pie.

Finally they enter a small

             CHAPEL

Inside there is a WITCH DOCTOR, complete with the usual skulls, horned hat, bone rattles etc. His assistant is a WITCH with pointed hat, wart, amd broom, etc. A number of attendees is seated.

QUACKOIR

(to Tom and Maxine)

Our chapel offers non-denominational services from guest pastors of diverse beliefs.

witch doctor

(with British Island accent)

I say. Do come in. You are just in time for our mass.

WITCH

(cackling)

Yea. Come on in and sit for a spell.

They enter and take a pew seat. We see a tall serving cart loaded with trays of hatched chicks sitting before a baptismal fount. The chicks are being dunked in the fount.

MAXINE

(whispering to Quackoir)

Why are they cleansing the chicks?

QUACKOIR

This cult believes that all creatures, great and small, have a right to heaven. To ensure that, they baptize all our laboratory animals before they are sacrificed.

MAXINE

What are the origins of this church's chickens rites?

QUACKOIR

It's a long story, but za Cliff's Notes version is zat ze prophet Pope Eye was lost leading his starving flock across the Sinus desert. Desperate for sustenance he smote a circling buzzard with his fig leafed topped staff. Flame broiled golden plump chicken drumsticks rained down from heaven with biscuits. Their thirst was then slaked when he parted the great red sea of Kool-Aid.

TOM

What are the Poultrygeister holidays?

QUACKOIR

Fowlmas and Feaster. At Feaster they believe a great ghostly golden plump chicken rises.. er. is resurrected, from Hell's broiler ashes.

At the altar we see a line of people kneeling as if to receive communion. The Witch wheels in a food service cart. It is loaded with braised chicken drumsticks in a large golden chicken bucket, and a tankard labeled: Kool-Aid.

The Witch Doctor, saying grace, waves a fig leaf over the food.

WITCH DOCTOR

Let us say grace.
We give thanks and bless these holy church chickens and for all benefits received through the bounty of our Loas. Amen.

The Witch hands the Witch Doctor the bowl.

Moving down the line the Witch Doctor stuffs a drumstick onto each kneeler's opened mouth and outstretched tongue. We see the end of the drumstick sticking out. Several are choking and he eyes them suspiciously. He passes a holy fig leaf across their foreheads, and hands each a small cup of Kool-Aid.

WITCH

(to the trio)

Would you like to take nourishment from our host?

TOM

Sure.

MAXINE

(whispering to Tom)

But... don't drink the Kool-Aid.

int.  tom's house living room - night

GRAPHIC:     SIX MONTHS LATER

Maxine is seated and having a soft drink when Tom enters. He walks over to her and they kiss.

MAXINE

You having a good day?

tom.

Yes, I played in the club golf tournament. I was in a foursome with Frank Sellers. You remember, he was a salesman who called on Tom Maine Foods? He's now the VP of Krapp Sales.

MAXINE

I haven't seen him lately, but talk frequently with his wife, formerly Maria Ragout. I mentioned they were married.

She holds up an envelope.

MAXINE

By the way, we received this invitation to the Krapp Christmas party. It's at the Chow Chow Supper Club.

int. chow chow supper club - night

A large Christmas party is underway with all the usual decorations. Tom and Maxine are at a table with the former board members and Frank and Maria Sellers. The band starts a new number.

maxine

Tom, let's dance this one.

TOM

Yeah, let's show off our moves.

They head toward the dance floor followed by Frank and Maria and proceed to dance beutifully as the floor partially clears and people gather around watching. They end with applause from the crowd.

Frank and Maria meet them as they leave the floor and as they pause to talk, we see on closer look that Maxine is obviously pregnant.

maria

I'm so happy for you two.

MAXINE

(rubbing her tummy)

The new Tom Maine heir.

Frank puts his arm around Tom in a very friendly manner and pats his shoulder.

frank sellers

(smiling and chuckling)

You old goat. What'd you do, pay a donor, or artificial insemination with frozen sperm?

MAXINE

Verrry unnecessary, Frank.

Tom affectionately pats Maxine on the tummy and holds out two fingers which he uncrosses.

TOM

"I MADE IT FROM SCRATCH"

SOUND:  Scratching sound, loudest.

                 THE END