ext. Pox news 7 building - day
We see the POX TV NEWS van arrive at company headquarters.
Reporter LOIS PATH exits and we follow her into the building and into the
office of her boss, News Director WILL SNOOPS. Lois is an attractive brunette.
She is dressed conservatively and is somewhat over-assertive.
lois
Good morning boss. You wanted to see me. Whassup?
SnoopS
I have an important new assignment for you to cover, the Zucchini Wars. Drop your present
work and give this full time.
lois
Great! Can I keep cameraman CAMERON LENZ. We work well
together.
SnoopS
Sure, and I'm also assigning CLARK MEEKS to work with you.
lois
(cringing at mention of Clark)
Clark's a nice enough guy, but he's a wimp. Can't you give me
a more aggressive partner?
snoops
I know he's mild mannered, but he seems to have a nose for
knowing where the zucchini action is going to be. He'll be here shortly.
CLARK MEEKS knocks and enters the office. He is typically
nerdy looking, has a crew cut, khakis, white shirt, and dark rim glasses.
snoops
Clark, I have asked Lois to work with you to get us some good
stories about this Zucchini Wars thing. This is an important assignment and is
big news. It could lead to a Bulshitzer Prize.
Go over to the viewing room and review all the files in the
archives on the subject to get up to speed. Good luck. Get us some exciting
stories.
cut to
int. POX tv
viewing room - day
Lois and Clark are reviewing replays of past newscasts. He
inserts a disc and on the screen we see a REPORTER in a field of torn up
zucchini plants. He is interviewing a distraught farmer LINUS DELL. Dressed
typically, Dell shows signs of having been worked over physically. In the
corner of the TV monitor screen we see the POX TV logo, a face with spots on it
on a mic in front. (Each subsequent time we see the logo as the story
progresses, it has more spots and later will have the face with a thermometer
in the mouth.)
reporter
We are talking with Mr Linus Dell who for many years has been
a zucchini grower here in Swissenham-on-Rye. Mr. Dell, tell our viewers just
what happened here.
Dell
(choking back tears)
I was ready to harvest me a bumper crop of Grade A zucchini
when this morning a truck full of thugs drives up. They unloads a dozer, roughs
me up, as you can see, and holding the missus and me at gunpoint, they then
proceeded to wipe out my entire crop. All that work all summer down the drain.
reporter
Who do you think was behind this?
dell
Everyone knows that this is the work of DeSchmeers in cahoots
with their local partner in crime LORD HELPUS-VALDEZ, EARL OF EXXON.
reporter
I know who Helpus-Valdez is, but who is this DeSchmeers?
dell
That's that Dutch cartel that has been cornering the zucchini
market by buying up all production and forcing all growers like me out of
business through gangster tactics. It's like prohibition all over again.
reporter
Can't you get help from the police?
dell
Fat chance. Their Political Influence Groups, commonly called
PIGS, have bribed the politicians to overlook their monopolistic practices. The
cops is all working for em off duty at high pay, so you know where their
allegiance lies.
reporter
This has resulted in astronomically high prices with this
American staple out of the reach of all but the very rich.
INSERT: We see traders on the Mercantile Exchange shouting and waving papers. A graph shows the price of zucchini going off the chart.
viewing room
(Continuing)
Clark puts another disc into the machine. We see a middle
aged woman SHOPPER running around a MAL-MART store in search of a CLERK She
finally corrals one and grabs him by the necktie.
INSERT: (CLOSE UP) A HAPPY FACE SIGN is seen changing to SAD
FACED.
clerk
May I help you madam.
shopper
You bet your ass, sonny
At last a sign of human life working here. Come along sonny I
want to see some zucchini for a special occasion.
The clerk drags her
by his necktie to a counter
(think of a big dog dragging its owner by the leash).
Here we see a sign:
PRIME ZUCCHINI, AT MARKET - ASK FOR QUOTE
On the counter is a velvet pad as seen in jewelry stores.
With a key, he gingerly removes a zucchini from a locked showcase and places it
on the pad. (CLOSE UP) It has an individual price tag on a on a string on it as
usually seen on jewelry. It has a tax stamp and label as on a wine bottle. He
puts a jewelers loupe into one eye and examines it carefully.
clerk
This is top quality and it's legal. Note the tax stamp. It's
the new Z-6 variety that gives the libido a jolt and corrects Erectile
Dysfunction. Wow! This is a good year too.
He hands the loupe to the shopper who examines the zucchini
carefully as it sits on the pad. She checks the price tag and shudders.
shopper
Whew! It's costly. But what the hell I'll splurge for our
wedding anniversary. The ED feature will do us both some good.
clerk
An excellent choice madam! Would you like it gift wrapped at
no cost.
SHOPPER
Yes indeed. Thank you.
viewing room
(continuing)
Clark removes the disc from the player.
Clark
Let's get to work Lois, we can get more background from the
folks at the NAAZP.
ext, an
office building - day
The POX NEWS TV van parks at the curb. Lois,
Clark, and CAMERON LENZ collect their equipment. They leave, enter the
building and get into the elevator.
lenz
With all the zucchini I hear that rich people have, I sure
wish I could get my share.
LOIS
I dunno, Cam. When we wish for all those expensive or
rare things and finally get them, we often find that they are really of
no true value at all. It's the simple things that most often count.
Excuse me guys, I have to powder my nose.
She heads to the ladies room leaving Lenz and Clark talking.
lenz
She's really a beauty and smart too. Why don't you make a move on her
Clark? I hear she's not involved with anyone. If I wasn't happily
married I would be hot after her.
CLARK
I finally got nerve enough to ask her to stop for a
drink after work, and she shot me down. It would be embarrassing to be
rejected a second time.
lenz
Make her an offer she can't refuse. Ask her to dinner at a
fancy restaurant specializing in zucchini.
clark
I dunno, I can't cope with rejection.
lenz
You should take one of those Assertiveness Seminars I hear
about. She told me she goes for the outgoing types.
clark
You're right, maybe I should.
They leave the elevator and enter the reception area where on
the wall are the words:
WELCOME TO THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION
FOR THE
ADVANCEMENT OF ZUCCHINI PREFERENCE
Support the NAAZP in its
fight against VEGISM
They are escorted into a conference room where a
meeting of the NAAZP staff is in progress. The Director LUKE ZUCKERMAN
is conducting a meeting. He greets them.
Zuckerman
Ah. Here they are. Folks, Welcome, I am Luke Zuckerman. May I
introduce Ms. Lois
Path and Mr. Clark Meeks, of POX NEWS and their Cameraman Cameron Lenz,
They are investigative reporters. When they called for an interview, I
invited them to sit in on our meeting so they can understand the
problems we face in the Zucchini War.
Zuckerman identifies the meeting participants and proceeds.
zuckerman
We will ask MS. BECKY MCBLURB our VP in charge of Advertising
and PR to briefly explain the situation to date.
MCBlurb
As you know, Mr Zuckerman, ten years ago, zucchini
had fallen into disrepute and this organization was formed to combat
the egregious form of VEGISM that evolved. We commissioned the renowned
Psychologist Dr. Hedy Shrinkem to determine the causes of VEGISM. As
part of her study she found that each vegetable has a specific
psychological image. For instance, asparagus is viewed as snooty;
broccoli common; potatoes, down to earth; cauliflower snooty (college
bred cabbage); carrots bright; and so forth all the way down the
vegetable alphabet to zucchini.
She stops to take a drink of water.
McBlurb
Alas, our beloved zucchini was viewed as dumb.
It replaced Pollock jokes told on late night TV talk shows, and was
guffawed at in saunas among nude male strangers making crude
references.
Secretaries giggled at it in offices; and it was
generally derided throughout the land. It was a PR nightmare. It makes
me uncomfortable to discuss it.
She blots sweat from her brow with a hanky.
Mcblurb
We embarked on a massive advertising campaign. To refresh
your memory, I'll show a clip of the key ad.
INSERT: on a monitor we see a rather poorly acted ad.
A typical HOUSEWIFE is serving dinner to her family consisting of a
HUSBAND and two CHILDREN.
The housewife is placing a platter of filet mignons on the
table.
husband
Steak again! Honey, we're getting sick of Steak, Steak,
Steak. What else do you know how to cook.
She goes into the refrigerator and produces a
zucchini and pops it into the microwave punches in a number, then when
it buzzes she removes the zucchini and plops it on a plate in front of
the man. He cuts a piece and smiles.
husband
(relishing the zucchini)
That's more like it! Dig in kids.
We see the entire family pigging out on the zucchini.
housewife
Treat your family to the best in flavor and nourishment.
VOICE OVER: NUKE A ZUKE, NUKE A ZUKE
BACK TO MEETING
MCBLURB
Sales zoomed beyond our wildest dream, the phrase "Nuke a Zook" got legs.
Late night talk hosts started to crack zucchini jokes ending
with "Nuke a Zook" and then "Puke a
Zuke". People everywhere were saying "Nuke a Zuke" and grafitti
appeared all over the place featuring "Kilroy was Here" drawings (as
during World War Two), except with Kilroy having a zucchini for a
nose. Sales went sky high.
This expensive public relations and advertising blitz
corrected all our image problems, and zucchini came to enjoy widespread
popularity; became in great demand; and was available to all people
regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation.
She stops to refer to her notes.
MCBLURB
This leads us to the present sorry situation in which
DeSchmeers has created such artificially high prices that only the
extremely wealthy can afford it. Even toney five star restaurants are
cutting it with lowly carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, eggplant and
other lesser veggies. One has to search with a magnifying glass to find
it in ratatouille where it is rarer than truffle bits in pate de fois
gras.
ZUCKERMAN
We will next hear from MOE BUCKLEY our Chief Finance Officer,
Moe.
buckley
To put it succinctly. Our coffers are empty. We need a major
fundraiser. Let's discuss possibilities, PANEL MEMBERS.
Member 1
How about an national WALK FOR ZUCCHINI DAY. They're walking
for everything else.
ZUCKERMAN
Good suggestion form a committee to study it. Next?
member 2
Why not a TV Blitz? We can solicit donations in various
levels and offer a cookbook premium by a famous TV Chef.
member 3
In the past the Chefs on TV wouldn't touch zucchini with a
ten foot spatula.
member 4
Nervy levels
in which you
tell people how much they
should donate are popular. We could use any of these.
INSERT: Powerpoint slides adding items one at a time.
$200 or less SOLDATI
$200 - $500 CAPO
$500 - $5000 CONSIGLIORE
$5,000 & UP GODFATHER
ZUCKERMAN
Good thinking. Add that to the list of possibilities. Should we consider a celebrity spokesperson?
buckley
Too costly, how about a spokes duck, or other animal that
will not cost us residuals.
MEMBER 1
The duck is taken, although we could use a real
mallard instead of a white Peking duck. A cartoon duck would look too
much like Daffy.
MEMBER 2
Gecko's are popular, but taken. Should we consider a spokes
wombat, spokes armadillo, or spokes alligator.
ZUCKERMAN
All good thinking, you guys get together as a committee to
work this out.
He holds his chin thinking.
ZUCKERMAN
I sometimes think what we really need is for a brave
champion to emerge and lead a vigilante group to defeat the forces of
evil. We can't count on the politicians and law enforcement since they
are controlled by DeSchmeers through their Political Influence Groups,
better known as P I G S.
We see Clark's face light up and hear a (SOUND) musical chord:
TA DA
As they leave on the elevator.
clark
Boy. With all those committees they'll never get anything
done.
LOIS
Yeah. I know what you mean. My Dad used to say that "If Moses
had been a committee, the Jews would still be in Egypt"
ext. A
farmhouse and field - day
We see an open field being sprayed by a crop duster type
airplane. A farmer MEL O'ROONEY and his wife SUE are in their kitchen. Sue
looks out of the window.
SUE
Mel, you didn't tell me you were having the Zucchini dusted.
mel
What! I didn't order dusting, I better see what's going on.
He runs outside followed by Sue.
(fighting back tears)
That's not dust, I has to be Agent Orange, courtesy of
DeSchmeers and their henchman the Earl of Exxon.
sue
(sobbing)
It'll be years before we can grow anything there. We won't be
able even to find a buyer for the farm. Everything we worked for all of our
lives will be lost.
Unseen by the two, a car drives up the driveway, and two
armed hoodlums GUIDO and LUIGI exit it. Mel is dashing back into the farmhouse.
He emerges carrying a shotgun.
Mel
(as he loads the gun)
I'll fix his ass Sue. l learned something as a tail gunner in a
B-17 over Germany during World War Two. This'll be my tenth kill.
As the plane makes passes over the field, Mel fires off four
ineffective shots at it. On the fifth pass and shot, a trail of smoke follows
the plane and it crashes in a ball of fire.
sue
You sure haven't lost your touch.
mel
(patting the shotgun)
Like riding a bike, you never forget how.\
At this time Guido and Luigi arrive carrying Uzis. Guido
takes Mel's now empty shotgun and pounds him several times severely with it.
Sue starts to hit Guido with her fists and is held by Luigi.
guido
Shithead. Your husband shot down my brother's plane and
killed him.
sue
You bastards.
guido
(hitting Mel again)
Shut up bitch, unless you want some of this too.
They haul Mel off to their car and drive off laughing.
luigi
(to Mel tied up in back seat)
You'll make good fish food in the River Stench.
GUIDO
Some people never learn.
cut to
ext. A
roadside produce stand - night
An ominous looking black sedan drives up and four hoods
Guido, Luigi, MARIO, and ANGELO get out. Two are heavily armed with assault
rifles and two are carrying dynamite bundles with fuses. As lights are turned
on in the adjacent farmhouse Guido and Luigi fire numerous rounds at the
farmhouse and the lights go out. Mario and Angelo light the fuses and toss the
dynamite into the stand. They all get back into the car.
mario
(laughing)
I threw mine right into that pile of zucchini.
angelo
That'll learn 'em. I don't think they'll be planting any more
zukes.
ext. A small
supermarket - night
The quartet of goons drives up to the closed store. Guido
opens the car trunk and they remove a number of cans of gasoline while Luigi
throws a brick through the door and reached in to open the door. (SOUND) The
burglar alarm sounds as they all rush in carrying cans. (Think gangsters during
prohibition.)
Guido
Get busy guys, before we have company.
mario
I'll go back to the produce department and give the Zucchini
a good soaking.
They are pouring gasoline everywhere and finally leave a
trail of gasoline out through the front door. They all climb into the car as
Luigi tosses a match into the gasoline trail as they drive off. The store goes
up in flames.
ANGELO
I haven't had this many laughs since my pain in the ass
mother-in-law had her haemorhoidectomy.
int. THE
restaurante sorrento - Early Morning
Luigi and Guido are entering the Italian restaurant. It is before opening time and the owner SAL MONELLA is chalking in the day's specials on the board at the entrance. There is (SOUND) music on the PA system and Sal is singing along happily.
LUIGI
(to Guido as they enter)
The owner here Sal
Monella isn't making his
quota. He needs convincing.
GUIDO
Yeah! Let's make sure he gets religion.
sal
(singing along with the music)
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, That's Amore.
He adds lines of parody.
sal (cont'd)
(amusing himself)
If an eel grabs your ass, as you swim near some grass, That's
a moray!
If you've lost half your butt and you're down to one nut. That's a moray!
On the hand lettered chalkboard sign he is writing today's
specials.
TODAY'S SPECIALS
ANTIPASTI
Zucchini Crudities-House Dip
Zucchini Rings Al
Dente
ENTREES
Lobster Stuffed with Zucchini
Zucchini Stuffed with Lobster
Soft-Shell Rabbit Chasseur
DOLCES
Zucchini w/Sambuca flambee
Homemade Zucchini Gelati
The two hoodlums approach Sal and shove him against the wall
with an UZI in his face.
Guido
Listen up Monella. You were light on last week's quota and
we're not going to tolerate that again. Your quota is 2G's this week. You have
it by Monday or it's your ass.
SAL
(visibly shaken)
Gimme a break guys. This is a poor neighborhood. The people
here consider a hot dog and coke from a street vendor a night on the town.
LUIGI
That's your problem. Get off your ass and promote zucchini.
Set up some dealers to push it in the schools. When you get enough of them kids
hooked it gets easy.
SAL
(pointing at a menu)
How much more can I promote it. Look at my menu. It has
zucchini in every form possible. Raw, braised, stewed, mashed. baked, steamed,
hashed, grilled, au gratin. I even make my own zucchini ice cream.
guido
Yeah! What's that rabbit shit doing on the menu?
SAL
The shell
is a crust of mashed zucchini and spices.
guido
We don't want any more excuses.
As they start to leave, Luigi fires a couple of rounds into a
tank of live lobsters in the lobby. It crashes to the floor with lobsters
flopping around. After he mashed several under foot, Luigi and Guido each
select a large one.
GUIDO
Consider these a takeout
order.
LUIGI
Yeah! We order you come up with our 2G's or we take you out.
As they leave, we see Sal Monella face down at a table with his hands covering
his face sobbing.
ext. a
rundown neighborhood - day
A drug DEALER on a street corner is at the window of a fancy
car, The car is at the head of a long line of cars waiting their turn and the
DRIVER is making a buy as his woman companion watches.
driver
Got any good shit?
dealer
If it's coke you want, I don't handle it any more. No money
in it. The action is in Zuke these days.
driver
Yeah. Is your Zuke any good.
Handing the Driver a small piece on a toothpick.
dealer
The best. Here have a sample.
driver
(tasting)
Wow! It's damn good, gimme a kilo.
dealer
That's a lot of zuke. The price is same as when you were here
last week.
The Dealer hands the Driver a full bag and collects a big wad
of cash.
dealer
Thanks. Come back soon.
As they drive off the Driver reaches into the bag and pulls
out a zucchini and offers it to his COMPANION. She takes a bite and makes an
unpleasant face.
companion
I never have been able to develop a taste for this crap.
Driver
It isn't easy, but you get used to it after a while. But with the jolt it gives the libido and the ED correction, it's worth putting up with the taste.
As she takes a big bite.
companion
I have to keep that in mind.
ext.
Street corner in shabby neighborhood - day
Crime scene tape marks off the area containing several bodies
that lie in pools of blood. Lois and Clark arrive and talk to the police
LIEUTENANT in charge.
Clark
This looks serious, what happened here, Officer?
Lieutenant
Just another gang turf war over territory for distributing
illegal zucchini. This is the second one this month. You would think they would
run out of gang members on one side or another. These were Northside Tetes de
Merde gang members.
lois
What do you think is the solution to this problem, Officer?
lieutenant
There's too much profit in it. Only cheap zucchini will be
the answer. Just as it was with booze during prohibition, the easy, big money
attracts the gangsters and pollutes the politics. It's a dangerous game, since
both rival gangs and
DeSchmeers hoodlums are after each gang's dealers. This case has the earmarks
of being a DeSchmeers job.
int.
Loading dock at Mal-mart store - day
Several WORKMEN are unloading a van of merchandise onto push
trucks and moving it into the warehouse. A Brinks armored truck arrives and the
armed GUARDS emerge to stand guard and open the truck.
workman 1
It looks like they are picking up yesterday's cash receipts
for deposit at the bank.
workman 2
Yep.
At that time a guard goes into the warehouse and returns with
two armed EMPLOYEES of the store. Together, they are pushing a cart.
employee 1
(to guard)
O.K. Open the truck and let's get to work.
We see that they are not loading the truck, but are unloading
it and they place a number of boxes on the cart. They all proceed into the
store and at the produce department they reach a large walk-in safe. As they
unload the cart into the safe we see the writing on the cartons:
GRAPHIC:
HANDLE WITH CARE
DESCHMEERS 24 KARAT PRIME ZUCCHINI
A ZUCCHINI IS FOREVER
int. A
smoke filled shabby bar - night
A woman, obviously a prostitute BLAISE is sitting at the far
end of the bar talking with the bartender JOEY.
blaise
Joey, gimme another hit of that zuke and put it on my tab.
joey
You sure you can handle any more? Besides, your tab is sky
high.
blaise
I'll do enough tricks tonight to pay you later, cut me a
slice.
He removes a small zucchini from beneath the bar and puts it
on a napkin. He then carefully cuts a very thin slice which he picks up on a
toothpick and hands it to her.(Think laying out a line of cocaine)
JOEY
There you are Blaise. Now get off your ass and onto your
back. It'll take a lot of tricks to pay off your bill.
GRAPHICS:
EIGHT WEEKS LATER
int. a
health club workout room - day
A sigh no the wall reads:
WELCOME TO THE BALLSWETT HEALTH CLUB.
Clark is running on a treadmill and sweating profusely. He is
talking with difficulty with his personal trainer JACQUE LE STRAPPE as he runs.
Le Strappe
Jeez, Clark, don't you ever quit? You've been running for an
hour.
clark
Yep, Now I'm ready for the monster machine.
We next see him on an exercise machine puffing away. Then we
see him lifting huge weights with ease. His Trainer catches up with him where
he us doing laps at the swimming pool.
LE STRAPPE
Boy you surely have hit peak condition in the eight weeks
you've been coming here. Keep it up. Are you planning on entering a
Triathlon or something.
clark
Actually, I expect to qualify for the Tri-P-Athlon at the
International Urologic Games coming up soon.
EXT. aN
ARCHERY RANGE - DAY
Clark is with his archery coach HANNIBAL "BULL" ZYLER whose
name we see embroidered on his shirt. Zyler is making a slight adjustment to
Clark's elbow position as he has the' high tech compound bow drawn and releases
an arrow. We then see (CLOSE UP) of the target with many arrows clustered in
the bullseye, two are split at the dead center.
zyler
You surely are a quick study. What a natural talent for
archery. I'm the state champion and you could beat me easily.
clark
I got good at the basics in grammar school with spitballs. I
could hit the teacher's ear lobe from the back row without fail and go
undetected.
zyler
Want another flight of arrows?
Clark
No thanks, I have to get to my karate lesson and then my
fencing lesson.
int. A
hotel conference room - day
As Clark walks up to the door of the conference room, we see
a group of about 10 people inside. Clark stops to read the sign at the door:
DR. HEDY SHRINKEM, PYCHOLOGIST
"BYE-BYE-SHY"
ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING SESSION
10 STEP PROGRAM TO
SELF CONFIDENCE
MEETING IN PROGRESS
There are ten seminar participants, six WOMEN and four MEN in
a circle led by Dr. Shrinkem in the middle. She is asking each PARTICIPANT to
stand up and introduce him or herself to the group. She points first to a
mousey looking woman CASSANDRA.
shrinkem
Will you be first please, Miss.
cassandra
(standing pigeon toed)
My name is Cassandra and I am a WIMP. People ignore me. They
don't take me seriously. Even though I'm always right, they don't believe a
word I say.
Pointing to the next person, a man SHYLOCK.
shrinkem
You next please.
shylock
(his lip quivering)
My name is Shylock and I am a WIMP. I let people get away
with shitting all over me without my saying a word.
shrinkem
You are here to learn to open your mouth.
Going around the circle, she finally points to Clark.
clark
My name is Clark and I am a WIMP. I don't have the guts and
balls to ask the beautiful girl I secretly adore to a zucchini dinner at a
fancy restaurant.
(SOUND) Modest clapping and some "Way to Go"s are heard from
the group.
shrinkem
This morning, as an exercise, I will pose a problem at a
workplace desk so we can discuss how each of you would handle it.
You have just walked into the office and one of your fellow
workers is in the process of closing your desk drawer. That person retreats as
you arrive. You hear snickering and giggling in the room as you open the desk
drawer and there is a pile of poop in it. Not the fake stuff, your nose tells
you it's the real McCoy.
What do you do? Let's hear opinions.
participant 1
(a woman)
I would probably start crying and leave the room, head for
the ladies room and mope.
What's everyone think of that? What other things could she do?
man 1
That's wimpism personified. She could just close the drawer
and act like she didn't see it thereby depriving the perp of the joke. After
quitting time she could call maintenance and have a janitor clean it up.
woman 1
But she'd have to sit and smell it all day.
man 2
She could pick it up on a ruler or other flat object and walk
up flip it into the perp's face.
man 3
That's assertive, but could lead to violence and get her hurt
if it's a man perp.
woman 2
March right down to the Human Resources Department, file an
harassment complaint and hire a lawyer.
woman 4
If the desks are all the same, why not ignore it and exchange drawers with the perp after class?
man 3
It's not assertive if we ignore it completely, since we have
not confronted the perp. I would ignore it and come in early the next day with
latex gloves and remove it. I would then smear it on the under side of the
perp's middle desk drawer where it is out of sight, but the smell will drive
the perp nuts before it is discovered if ever.
woman 3
Yes! And you can rub it in by walking by occasionally and
suggesting the perp should check his or her shoes. So it is obvious you have
retaliated.
clark
I'm not feeling well. I have to leave now.
ext. A
field alongside a road - day
Police cars and ambulances are at an area cordoned
off by crime scene tape. Lois, Clark, and Lenz arrive and approach the
OFFICER in charge.
LOIS
We're from POX TV NEWS, Officer, can you tell our viewers
what happened here.
Officer
We have found six bodies here, all shot several times in the
head.
LOIS
Have you identified them?
Officer
Only two so far. One is the owner of the Restaurante
Sorrento, Sal Monella, and the second a farmer named Mel O'Rooney. We
are awaiting notification of the nearest relatives before announcing
the identity the other four, but early indications are that they were
vigorous, outspoken supporters of the renegade ROBIN ZOOK, but not
card carrying members of the Merry Men.
LOIS
Who do you suppose has done this evil thing?
Officer
Our best guess is it is the work of DeSchmeer's goons. It's
their counter measure to the Zook raids.
int. A
Tailor shop - day
Clark is selecting fabrics and getting measured up by GAYLORD, a tailor, for his ROBIN ZOOK costume.
robin
(looking at a swatch)
I sort-a like the chartreuse for the leotard. What do you
think Gaylord?
GAYLORD
It'll clash with your sweet lapis lazuli eyes. I'd stick with
the kelly green with the darker tunic of the same color. "The large feather on
the hat is a dramatic accent and keys nicely off the Belgian lace edging on the
calf length boots. A wide belt with a large buckle inscribed with the letter
"Z" will be adorable. Stand here and let me measure you.
He kneels beside Clark as he removes a measuring tape from
around his neck and reached high up Clark's leg to measure the inseam.
gaylord
My oh my! You must be hiding a zucchini in there. Or do I
have to allow a lot more fabric in the crotch than normal.
Clark
Don't dawdle, You'll have plenty of more guys to measure when
the rest of the band comes in for their outfits.
ext. a
footbridge across a creek in cherbois forest - day
Robin Zook and LITTLE COMMODE meet at the center of the
narrow bridge. Both are armed with their bows and arrows and a staff. Little
Commode is a big husky man, but is "swishy" gay and with a lisp.
robin
Back off stranger. Make room for your betters.
little commode
I thee no better man before me.
In the middle of the bridge the fight with staffs begins.
They battle to a tie after some time and finally are locked face to face and
immobile.
robin
(between clenched teeth)
How say you stranger to
settling this like REAL MEN?
LITTLE COMMODE
What do you propose, I ask?
robin
Let us sidle to yon edge of yon bridge where we will stand
above yon strand of open sand. The sand will settle just who will be the winner
of our PISSING CONTEST.
LITTLE COMMODE
I acthept your chalwenge, stwanger. But I must warn you that
I am seeded in the top ten in the world.
robin
The proof will be written in the sands.
They move to the edge above the open sand and play Rock,
Paper, Scissors. Robin wins and Little Commode has to go first.
Robin makes a sweeping bow hat in hand.
ROBIN
After you, my good man. Let me see your mettle. On second thought, never mind, just fire away.
Little Commode stands to the edge of the bridge and (SOUND)
unzips. We see his face as he strains for distance. Robin walks to the edge and
looks out.
robin
A noble effort, but no real challenge to a master.
Robin (SOUND) unzips and we see by his face that he is not
straining at all.
As he finishes, we see in the sand that he has easily beat
Little Commode by two feet. At that moment a sparrow flies across the makeshift
firing range and Robin drops it in a perfect wing shot. Robin jumps down and
carefully picks up the bird and gently dries it off on his sleeve. It ruffles
its feathers and he releases it to fly off.
robin
It wasn't injured. I used a light charge.
LITTLE COMMODE
You can onwy be Wobin Zook. He's the onwy one known to be
such a marksman. I hear he is recwuiting a Mewwy Men band of brothers and am on
my way to join up. My mame is Wittle Commode.
robin
Welcome to Team Zook! You will be a popular fixture in our organization Little Commode. Follow me to glory in the
fight for freedom, justice, and the English way.
They embrace and depart together. Little Commode has a
comical walk with his legs apart and a shuffle.
Int. a
tent deep in cherbois forest - day
Robin, Little Commode, and FRIAR SCHMUCK are planning a raid
on the fields of Lord Helpus-Valdez, the Earl of EXXON.
friar schmuck
The EXXON fields are heavily guarded, how do you plan on
handling the guards.
robin
Friar Schmuck, call Maid Merion so I can brief her on her
role in this caper.
Schmuck goes out and comes right back with MAID MERION. She
is sexy in an unkemmpt, slutty way and chews tobacco audibly.
robin
Merion, If you and the Merry Maids show up at the guardhouse
at the EXXON fields with a lot of booze and eats for a party, do you think you
can spike the guards' drinks with this powerful sleeping potion that Friar
Schmuck has concocted?
He hands her a flask. (SOUND) Ptoouie. She spits a gob and
nails a roach crawling up the tent wall.
Merion
You bet your sweet ass Robbie Boy.
robin
We plan on arriving at midnight, so get there a couple of
hours earlier. Give a whistle when they are all conked out. We'll be nearby.
little commode
Wobin, this is a wisky opewation. Suppose one of the guards
is a teetotaler and is sober when we arrive and sounds the awarm?
friar schmuck
Boy you know it, the penalties for poaching are severe. They
draw and eighth you for the
first offense. Quartering is considered inadequate for such a heinous crime.
It's scary.
ROBIN
Yeah, I know. Maybe we should abandon the whole program as
too dangerous. It is scary.
little commode
It's also scawy what is happening to our countwy if we do
nothing.
robin
Let's give it our best shot men. If we don't do it who is
there to carry the banner.
ext.
gatehouse to the fields of the Earl of exxon -night
We see several trucks drive up and park short of the
entrance. A look inside the gate and into the gatehouse we see the Merry Maids
playing the lute and dancing while the guards are all unconscious. Merion is
checking each of them to be sure they are totally out of it while the other
Merry Maids empty the guards wallets.
As she walks to the gate and opens it she gives a (SOUND)
loud whistle with her fingers in her mouth.
MAID merion
(shouting)
All's clear Robbie Boy.
robin
Good work girls. You'll get a double share of zucchini for
your work.
The trucks drive in and a number of Hispanic looking types
jump out and go to work poaching zucchini.
ext.
Zucchini fields of lord helpus-valdez - morning
The POX NEWS van is seen parked. On its side we see the POX
TV Logo, the spotted face of a man holding a POX NEWS mic. It now has more
spots than when last seen. Lois is interviewing ABOMINABlE SASQUASH, Operatons
Manager of the Earl of EXXON's holdings. He is a giant of a man, wears work
clothes and carries a coiled up bullwhip.
LOIS
We are here at the fields of Lord Helpus-Valdez, Earl of
Exxon talking with Mr. Abominable Sasquash Operations Manager.
sasquash
Please call me A-Bomb like everyone else.
lois
That's an interesting abbreviation of your name.
SASQUASH
Actually, it refers to the megatons of energy I put into
cracking this whip over those lazy illegals' asses.
As he gives the whip a loud crack at a FIELD HAND eating a taco.
SASquash
You there ilegetimo immigrar, get to work. You're not being
paid to eat on company time.
field hand
But senor A-Bomb, I did not get a lunch break.
SASQUASH
Don't tell me your troubles, get busy salvaging what we can from this mess.
LOIS
What happened here last night Mr. A-Bomb?
SASQUASH
As you can see from the naked plants, there has been a major
incidence of poaching here.
LOIS
Any idea as to the culprits?
SASQUASH
It is well known that this is the work of one Robin Zook. He
and a band called "Merry Men" live in high style in Cherbois Forest. They were
originally billed as his "Gay Men", but recent changes in English usage
prompted the name change. Those who have seen them in their outlandish costumes
with feathered hats, lace edged boots, Kelly green leotards, and tunics
question the need for the name change.
As he moistens his fingertip with saliva while daintily
smoothing his eyebrows, all while keeping his other hand fetchingly positioned
on his hip, palm outward.
SASQUASH
He has a consort called Little Commode who they say has a
FAWNCEE lace border around his QUIVER.
Then there's that Maid Merion broad. I hear she has been
lobbying Robin to change the name of their ladies auxiliary from the Merry
Maids to anything that "doesn't make them sound like cleaning ladies."
LOIS
Inquiries were made at the St. Sodom Church concerning Little
Commode and other altered boys recruited, trained, and abused by Friar Schmuck
as pastor there for many years. He is now chaplain for the group. The Bishop
stonewalled when we asked about rumors as to reports of pedophilia at St. Sodom.
Deputies reported mysterious scorched areas around the edges
of the EXXON fields.
int. Living room of a shabby house - day
Inside the house we see a horde of undisciplined brats
ranging in steps in age from two to thirteen. They are swinging from fixtures,
spraying grafitti on walls, wrestling, making play dope deals, simulating
drive-by shootings etc. From outside the door we hear (SOUND) a loud THUNK.
INGRID LUNDQUIST, is a very much pregnant Scandinavian
looking woman in her late thirties. She carries a coiled up bull whip which she
cracks several times too establish order.
ingrid
Quiet down, you little bastids. We's got company.
Ingrid opens the door and there on the doorstep are several
large zucchinis. One is impaled by an arrow into the door and it has a large
letter "Z" scratched into it. She looks around furtively to be sure she is
unobserved and takes them inside. (In a satire on political correctness, Ingrid
appearance contrasts with her speech which is ghetto black. This to indicate
that the character has been changed but without changing the dialog)(NOTE: This
can be be played with her being Scandinavian in every way.
Think Mrs. Olson's accent in Folger's coffee ads, but with dialog shown.
There is a knock at the door and Ingrid stashes the zucchini
under one of the many articles of clothing lying on the floor. Opening the door
she sees Clark and Lois.
LOIS
Madam, my name is Lois Path and this is Clark Meeks, we're
from POX TV NEWS. We received a tip that you were the beneficiary of some
zucchini from Robin Zook. Can we come in to talk with you?
ingrid
Please come in. Do excuse the condition of my house. It
doesn't always look like this, sometimes it's even worse. My cleaning lady
doesn't come for another quarter.
LOIS
Thank you. What is your name?
ingrid
I refuse to answer on the grounds that if dem tax collectors
hears about dis, dey'll grab de lions share and cut off my food stamps and
welfare. Gawd bless dat Robin Zook guy. Dis is a blessing since mah welfare
don't allow me to buy any zucchini to keep up mah fertility.
Dose Fat Lards and Slick Oils dunno what it's like to grow up
zucchini challenged. When I wus a chile we had to make do wif nuthin' 'sept a
bowl of high lead paint flakes fo breakfust. No milk, only water and an
occasional puh-simmon we managed to rassle away from dem ornery possums and
coons. It's a wondah I growed up smart and ambitchus.
Clark is examining the zucchini.
clark
This is very interesting if I do say so. This "Z" is done
with master swordsmanship. It's in 200 point Helvetica Bold.
fade out
int. A
hotel conference room - day
At the entrance to the room there is a sign.
MEETING TODAY
UFO WATCHERS SOCIETY
KEYNOTE SPEECH 10:00 AM
BY
MR E. T. SPACEK PRESIDENT
"ZOOK THE
EXTRATERRESTRIAL ALIEN"
Inside we see the AUDIENCE with Spacek orating at the podium.
spacek
In summary. I spoke personally with Zook on his arrival at
the EXXON fields in his flying soupbowl. It is a size larger than a saucer
being designed to hold cargo, being about four feet in diameter. On exiting his
spacecraft, he immediately grew to a six foot height when exposed to the high
level of carbon dioxide and pollutants in our atmosphere. He joined me for a
number of joints but didn't catch up with me, since I had a head start.
Zook allowed that his planet is suffering from a plague for
which the only known cure is derived from zucchini which doesn't grow on his
planet, and he was dispatched to Earth to acquire vast quantities of it. He
said that he followed the trail blazed some years ago by his brother-in-law
E.T. (my namesake).
I will be glad to answer questions from the audience.
audience (v o s)
How did you communicate so freely with an alien?
spacek
No problem, he spoke perfect English although with a cockney
accent. He said he learned it from a Rosetta Stone disc that E.T, brought home.
AUDIENCE (V O S)
How could he fit 200 tons of zucchini into that little flying
soupbowl?
SPACEK
He transmogrified it and himself so as to fit in perfectly.
AUDIENCE (V O S)
That sounds ridiculous. Who ever heard of such a thing?
SPACEK
The technology was proven in the award winning motion picture
"Honey, I Shrunk the Zucchini"
AUDIENCE (V O S)
What solid evidence do you have? Didn't you shoot a video?
SPACEK
I forgot and left my phone home. But,the scorched spot at the
perimeter of the fields is documented evidence that the soupbowl landed and
blasted-off there.
I believe that ELVIS was also involved, but I was unable to
contact him for verification, even though we have frequent chats at seances.
int.
greenhouse of Belchee Seed Co. Research Center - day
Clark and Lois arrive at the greenhouse of the Belchee Seed
Company. They are met by FRAU HETTIE RHO-ZYGOTE, wife and assistant to DR.
HOMER ZYGOTE, Microbiologist and Genetic Engineer. She leads them into the
greenhouse to meet Dr. Zygote. Cameron Lenz is filming the interview. Zygote is
dressed in a lab coat, wears thick glasses and speaks with a German accent.
hettie rho-zygote
Welcome to the Belchee Seed Research Facility. I am Hettie
Rho-Zygote, wife and assistant to Dr Homer Zygote, our Microbiologist and
Genetic Engineer.
As they enter the greenhouse.
Homer, these are the folks from POX News you are expecting.
They make introductions and proceed with the interview. The
mic logo shows more spots.
LOIS
(talking into POX NEWS mic.)
We are at the Greenhouse of the BELCHEE SEED COMPANY's Research Division.
We are talking with Dr Homer Zygote, Microbiologist and
Genetic Engineer.Dr. Zygote, what can you tell us about the new Z-7 zucchini
variety we understnd you are close to perfecting.
zygote
Ve haf completed clinical trials on zis new fariety.
He points proudly at a plant.
zygote
It is extremely aphrodisiac,
corrects E.D. und is 100% effective for birth control and addictive. Besides
being almost palatable it produces 1000 tons per acre commercially and can be
easily grown to maturity at home in an empty milk carton in shredded newspaper.
LOIS
When will it be available everywhere?
ZYGOTE
Ve haf a few bugs to iron out first. Fraulein Path.
LOIS
What sort of problems Dr Zygote?
ZYGOTE
Zere vas a tendency for a small, but unacceptable percentage
of ze test subject males who ate the Z-7 daily for two months to develop
squash-like changes to their genitalia. Strange mutations were observed
particularly in ratios of diameter to length. Of particular concern vas the
growth of stems on some
subjects.Some specimens have developed unusual color mutations as well. I have
observed fuschia, chartreuse, cerise, purple and other odd colorations. One of
particular interest is red and white and bears a resemblence to a barber pole.
clark
Sounds a bit gaudy, I'd say.
ZYGOTE
Of more concern is the tendency of some of the stems
developed to be brittle and have insufficient tensile strength causing a drop-off problem. We are working
on a treatment for this mutation and are close to its solution. Of course ve
are hampered by government restrictions on stem cell research in releasing
this vonderful fariety for the benefit uf mankind.
clark
I don't imagine that DeSchmeers is too happy about the ease
of growing this on your kitchen window sill.
ZYGOTE
I haf received threats to stop vork, OR ELSE. but am
committed to the serfice uf mankind.
clark
And a few bucks in royalties, I assume.
ZYGOTE
More research is needed. I haf applied for a government grant.
int. a
hospital - day
Clark and Lois enter tha hospital where we see the sign.
WELCOME TO THE IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION HOSPITAL
They are then seen are at the bedside of Dr Zygote. The
usual hospital equipment is connected to him and operating.
lois
What has happened to you Dr.Zygote?
ZYGOTE
I haf been here for R & R. Zat is Reattachment and
Recofery.I found out what OR ELSE means. Those goons from DeSchmeers cut off my
project. Sank Gott for the
surgical team that vas so successful with that Herr John Wayne Bobbitt.
Unfortunately they denied my request for extensive reconstruction,
citing not being able to find a villing donor of greater magnitude.
int. a
tent in cherbois forest - day
Robin and his key men are planning another major raid. This
will be an armored truck robbery.
robin
We want to pull this off without hurting the innocent guards and driver of the
Brinks armored truck.
schmuck
How do you propose doing that, Robin?
ROBIN
Again with the services of our Ladies Auxiliary. I have been studying the habits of the guards and driver of the truck that delivers zucchini to MAL-MART. They invariably stop at Novabucks coffee shop for a latte. With the cooperation of our symmpathiser, Ahab Pequod, the manager, I have arranged for Maid Merion to be serving them.
INSERT: We see the Novabucks coffee shop counter and Maid
Merion behind the counter. The three GUARDS are at the counter
MERIOn
Three lattes and biscotti coming up.
We see her secretly pour a chemical into their lattes. They
down their coffes and eat their biscotti and leave. Before they reach the
truck, they all pass out and are set upon by Merry Men who get the keys. They
climb into the truck and drive off with the loot as Maid Merion raids their
wallets...
BACK TO SCENE LATER:
ROBIN
We have achieved our objective without harming the innocent guards.
LITLE COMMODE
Yes, but with maximum harm to DeSchmeers.
ext.
Streets of town swissenham-on-rye - day
Men are engaged in putting up posters on telephone poles,
building walls, fences, etc. The posters read:
REWARD
WANTED DEAD
THE RENEGADE ROBIN ZOOK
REPUTED LEADER OF THE BAND OF POACHERS, THIEVES, RENEGADES
AND OTHERWISE UNPLEASANT PERSONS
REPORTEDLY HIDING IN CHERBOIS
FOREST
THE GOVERNMENT WILL PAY
$10,000
PAYABLE IN 99.9%
FINE ZUCCHINI
Arrows nail several posters to the wall as they are being
affixed. Children are seen removing the posters, making and sailing airplanes
made from them. A man is seen collecting several and walking into a portable
outhouse with them.
int. a
tent in cherbois forest - day
Robin Zook, Little Commode and Friar Schmuck are with several
lieutenants planning another raid. This time the target is the DeSchmeers
warehouse.
ROBIN
This time we will surprise them at the DeSchmeers warehouse
with a daring late afternoon
daylight raid.
A (SOUND) round of groans and "Oh No's" at the mention of a daylight raid.
friar schmuck
Not to worry, men. We will take advantage of my astrological
studies and perform this on October 31st while it is still daylight at 4:02 PM
Greenwich Mean Time. That will be the precise time of a total solar eclipse.
Since it will be Halloween, we will all be dressed in appropriate costumes and
carrying Trick-or-Treat bags. This will cause the guards to be off their guard
and they can easily be subdued.
A round of Huzzahs.
ext. Guard
house at the DeSchmeers warehnouse - EVEning
Around the corner, out of sight from the guardhouse is a line
of trucks driven by the MERRY MEN who are ready to pounce. Robin and several
others approach the guardhouse. Robin is dressed as a ghost and the others are
disguised as zombies and vampires. They approach the guardhouse and rush into
it shouting to the GUARDS:
the Merry men
Trick or treat!, Trick or treat!
guard 1
Aww! How adorable. Where's the candy Ezechiel?
At this point, several of the Merry Men dressed as COMMANDOS
and carrying real assault weapons enter and all yell:
the MERRY MEN
Trick or Treat!
guard 2
What realistic costumes. How sweet.
As he fires a short burst from his weapon and destroys the
clock on the wall.
commando
Against the wall, assholes, with your hands up!
They proceed to tie up and gag the guards. We see shots of
results of similar occurrences at other guard sites and then the trucks pulling
up to loading docks and men emptying the warehouse of zucchini.
ext. a
truck leaving the warehouse - late evening
Three of the MERRY MEN are in the cab discussing the raid
results. They are still in Halloween costumes.
merry man 1
That went slick as greased owl poop.
He digs into his Trick-or-Treat bag and retrieves a piece of
candy which he opens and starts to eat. Merry Man 2 also digs around in his bag.
merry man 2
Crappo! All I got was that crummy, tasteless imitation corn.
Merry man 3
Yeah! Me too, the candy we got last year was a helluva lot
better.
fade out
ext.
gatehouse to the DeSchmeers warehouse - morning
Lois is interviewing MAGNUM LEFFINGSTOCK, Sheriff of
Rottenham-on-Stench following the raid by the Merry Men. We see the POX TV logo
on the mic with even more pocks.
LOIS
(into POX TV mic)
We are LIVE at the warehouse of Deschmeers talking with
Magnum Leffingstock, Sheriff of Rottenham-on-Stench concerning the daring raid
by Robin Zook that emptied the warehouse. Sheriff, can you tell our viewers
what happened here?
leffingstock
This raid completely emptied the entire inventory of 1000 tons of DeSchmeers zucchini.
I had inside information that this raid was to occur on
November 14th and had set a trap for Zook. Unfortunately, Zook had a mole of
his own and when he learned of the trap he moved his date up two weeks to
coincide with the Juxtaposition of Mercury in Venus in the house of Saturn as
indicated by the astrological calculations of one Friar Schmuck.
LOIS
How could they have hauled off all that zucchini without
being detected?
LEFFINGSTOCK
It was fiendishly clever in its execution in that in the
pitch black of the eclipse, not any of the guards at the warehouse, or at the
stations of the Earls of EXXON, MOBIL, or CHEVRON reported seeing any of the
fifty lorries required to haul it off.
A survey of the guards conducted by Doper determined that
15.2% were "Out to Lunch", 22.3% were "Picking Their Noses", 20.1% were
"Scratching their Balls", 40.0% were "On the Toilet", and the balance had "No
Opinion". A sampling error of plus or minus 4% applies.
LOIS
Shares on the major exchanges plunged to new lows in
anticipation of this zucchini hitting the streets.
LEFFINGSTOCK
There is a suspicious scorched spot in the roofing material of the warehouse similar to that noted at the EXXON fields. We are conducting tests to determine its origin.
LOIS
By the way Sheriff, good luck in your bid for re-election in
the upcoming balloting.
LEFFINGSTOCK
Thank you! It seems I will have only one opponent, the guy
they call A-Bomb Sasquash.
She turns from Leffingstock and approaches LORD
HELPUS-VALDEZ, Earl of EXXON who is on site. He is the typical parody of an
English Lord.
LOIS
I am talking with Lord Helpus-Valdez, Earl of EXXON and owner
of these fields. What is your reaction to these raids, your Lordship?
helpus-valdez
(in tears between sobs)
My entire fortune is invested in zucchini fuures through
highly leveraged hedge funds. Look at this, they even took the teeny-weeny ones
with blossoms attached to their little tips. God knows what will happen to the
zucchini market now.
LOIS
Thank you Lord Helpus-Valdez.
We now go to Clark Meeks at the Mercantile Exchange for reactions by the commodity market to this vast quantity of zucchini being made available cheap to the public.
int.
trading floor of Mercantile exchange - day
We see Clark cornering a TRADER in the mass confusion.
CLARk
Sir, How do you think this will impact the market?
trader
It can wipe out anyone invested in derivatives.
The entire value of all inventories of DeSchmeers and
Helpus-Valdez will be worthless.
INSERT: Chart showing zucchini futures sinking off the chart.
INSERT: Street scene outside Exchange showing Traders jumping out of the windows. A POLICEMAN is showing PEDESTRIANS to the sidewalk across the street to avoid being hit by jumpers.
policeman
Careful Madam, go to the other side of the street.
pedestrian
I'm pretty far from the sidewalk now, Officer.
POLICEMAN
Go completely across the street. Lots of these traders have
been working out regularly and can reach a good distance.
As he says this a body flops very near to the pedestrian. It
is followed by several computers.
Pedestrian
Ooh! His computer crashed.
policeman
Happens all the time by frustrated users. It's why the newer
office buildings do not have windows that open.
ext. Steps
of government office building - day
Lois is interviewing SENATOR P.U. WELLSLIME.
LOIS
(into POX TV mic)
We are at the Senate Office Building talking with Senator
P.U. Wellslime concerning the daring daytime raid on the DeSchmeers warehouse
in which 1000 tons of high grade zucchini was heisted. What have you to say
about the Robin Zook affair?
Wellslime
I condemn these Zook raids. The revenue lost from excise
taxes on zucchini will jeopardize passage of the Wellslime-Hillary Bill which
as you know will require all voters to accept psychiatric care.
LOIS
Why would that be necessary Senator?
wellslime
The rationale is that they must all be insane to keep
electing what they send to Congress.
LOIS
Viewers will recall that Senator Wellslime won his seat
running on a "Throw the Rascals Out" campaign. He promised to eliminate
Political Influence Groups, the so called PiGS who seem to be the only parties
interested in politics. They have so distorted the political landscape that
many citizens are not bothering to vote. Let's get the opinion of a typical man
on the street.
She corrals a passing pedestrian, HENRY HARRISON.
LOIS
What is your name sir?
harrison
I be 'enry 'arrison.
LOIS
And what is your occupation Mr. "arrison...er Harrison?
Harrison
I be a wheel tapper at the Railway Transit Authority. Been at it 25 years.
lois
Sir, can you tell our viewers what you do as a wheel tapper?
As he takes a small hammer from a holster on his belt and
strikes his palm.
harrison
To be sure each wheel is sound, I hits it at the rim. The
good ones make a beautiful (SOUND) Booing.
LOIS
Can you imitate a bad wheel for us?
HARRISON
That I can't be doing Miss. Never 'ad one you know.
LOIS
What are your feelings about the upcoming sheriff's office
election between Magnum Leffingstock and A-Bomb Sasquash?
harrison
I will not be voting. As usual, the two party system gives us a choice between a turd and a small cylindrical piece of feces.
Thank you, sir for those astute words.
ext.
fields of Lord Helpus-Valdez - day
Lois is interviewing Abominable Sasquash concerning his
entering the race for Sheriff of Rottenham-on-Stench.
LOIS
I am talking with Mr. Abominable Sasquash about his
forthcoming race for the position of Sheriff of Rottenham-on-Stench. He will be
challenging the incumbent Magnum Leffingstock for the position. Mr Sasquash,
what are the issues you believe are relevant to your campaign?
sasquash
The number one issue is Leffingstock dragging his feet in the
Robin Zook affair. I don't know why he can't apprehend him when everyone knows
he hangs out with his band of ruffians in Cherbois Forest. They have big time
orgies with highly amplified lute playing, and madrigal dancing with zucchini
being consumed in obscene quantities. You can hear the sounds of revelry for
miles.
LOIS
Sheriff Leffingstock believes that Robin Zook is an
extraterrestrial and that those scorched spots at the zucchini fields of the
Earl of EXXON and on the roof of the DeSchmeers warehouse were where his flying
saucer landed and took off.
Sasquash
The only thing extra terrestrial about those scorched spots
is the a satellite outhouses that we put there when OSHA ruled that the
hedgerows were too dangerous to use due to a high thistle count. As to those on
the roof of the DeSchmeers warehouse, everyone knows that the workmen on the
upper floors surreptitiously brew a highly caustic drink from discarded
zucchini stems. This wreaks havoc upon their urinary systems. This results in
major damage to the tar and gravel roofing material, which was not designed for
this class of service, when they go to potty on the roof to avoid a trip
downstairs to a proper loo.
LOIS
What will be the key points of your campaign?
sasquash
I will question his ties to Lord Helpus-Valdez and DeSchmeers
who have been huge contributors to his PIG funds and have him on a string.
I will be looking forward to our debate scheduled shortly after the big Zucchini Festival coming up soon.
LOIS
Tell our viewers about this festival.
sasquash
It is to celebrate the return of zucchini to public
availability since the Zook raids have flooded the market with it. It will be
an annual event also timed to be on the day of Mardi Gras. People will be in
costume and there will be the world championship Tri-P-Athlon sponsored by the
International Urologic Committee and with internationally famous competitors. I
myself will be a serious contender and expect the publicity I get to be an
asset to my campaign.
LOIS
Thank you sir, and good luck in your campaign.
We return now to our program in progress, "Stablehands", the
reality program depicting the lives and loves of muck shovelers as the training
grounds for political office.
int.
Television studio of POX TV - night
Larry King is interviewing Robin Zook on Larry King Live.
Zook is heavily disguised wearing a rubber Nixon mask and with strong back
lighting. He wears his usual costume and hat with its feather. A bowl of
crudities and dip sit in the center of the table.
king
Welcome to the show Mr. Zook.
ROBIN
(interrupting)
Do call me Robin, Larry. Oh! That's a nice touch Larry. The
crudities with the zucchini at the center circle of honor nearest to the dip.
king
The pundits refer to you as a swashbuckler. Would you say that's an accurate description?
ROBIN
I don't know Larry. I can't say I ever swashed a buckle, or
buckled a swash. Whatever a swash is. I think a better description would be
SQUASHBuckler. In that I have buckled many a squash and squashed a buckle once
when I stepped on my belt which was on the floor when I got out of bed. In
addition...
king
(interrupting)
I think we have covered that subject Robin. Next, let me
compliment you on your costume.
ROBIN
It's by Dior, with modifications by my tailor, Gaylord.
Squeals of delight are heard from the camera crew.
king
It is said that you rob the rich and give to the poor. Is
that an accurate statement?
ROBIN
I prefer "Recover from the Rich", It plays better in the
media.
king
They say you're a Peer of the Realm, Robin. Is that true?
As he grabs a celery stick from the crudities and dips it and
takes a bite.
(SOUND) Crunch!
ROBIN
I can't answer that Larry, not wanting to give "His
Corpulence" Magnum Leffingstock helpful information. (SOUND) CRUNCH!
king
Can you explain how you became involved in this Zucchini
Affair?
robin
Well, for years I was in a position to observe patterns in
the zucchini markets. At one time there was stability and product was within
the reach of most citizens. Peace and tranquility reigned. (SOUND) CRUNCH. Some
years ago there began an insidious movement upward in prices with a
simultaneous reduction (CRUNCH) in supply. I found that DeSchmeers was rapidly
cornering the zuccchini market in concert with certain politicians.
As the sound technicians are seen trying to make adjustments.
ROBIN
(SOUND) DOUBLE CRUNCH Simultaneously, Political Influence
Groups, also known as P I G S representing DeSchmeers poured large sums into
the coffers of politicians. Millions went to Senator P.U. Wellslime who
sponsered the Dogbody-Wellslime Bill HR 10,000,002. This outlawed all zucchini
growing except under government licenses which were kept for big donors such as
Lord Helpus-Valdez with distribution reserved for DeSchmeers.
king
Sounds pretty cozy.
ROBIN
Look at the penalties for dealing and poaching, Drawn and Eighthed for the first
offense. Quartered being
considered inadequate for such a heinous crime.
king
Critics of your methods claim that you and your band keep the
lions share of the spoils and distribute just enough to the poor to get good
press. What is your response to this claim?
ROBIN
We have our operating costs, Larry...Salaries, overhead,
health care, FICA and so forth. It's no different than the percent the
government takes off the top of tax money for administrative costs.
king
What finally caused you to take action?
ROBIN
The last straw was when Lady Petrofina-Pemex, Lord
Helpus-Valdez's wife was interviewed by you on your show.
king
You're referring to my comment that "The people have no
zucchini"?
ROBIN
Yes, when she said "Let them eat truffles". That did
it..that's when I began recruiting my Gay..er Merry Men.
king
While on that subject. People say that you have a high
percentage of homosexuals in your group, Is that true?
ROBIN
I can't say that's so. You have to recognize that we're an
equal opportunity employer and it's against the law to discriminate on the
basis of race, religion, or sexual preference.
king
What about sharing the latrines?
ROBIN
No problem, nobody bathes in my outfit and the hedgerows can
use the fertilizer.
king
(fanning himself)
Yes, I can understand that. What is your vision for the
future?
ROBIN
I have a dreeeam. A dreeeam where there is no vegism. A dreeam in which zucchini
has reclaimed for itself it's rightful place in the diet of all citizens. Ah
have a four "e" dreeeeam in which zucchini returns to the menus of every diner
and hash-house where ordinary people dine...not merely being the fare of the
wealthy..I dreeeeam of it returning in ratatouille in quantities not requiring
a magnifying glass to detect. I dreeeeam of it again becoming the vegetable
du-jour without being cut with caulifolwer, carrots, yellow squash, and worse,
in proportions reminiscent of the crabmeat to bread ratio in crab cakes and the
stuffing in trout, flounders, and shrimp as served in toney restaurants
situated in old warehouses, abandoned train stations, ex-abatoirs, and former
breweries. I expect any day to see a major chain opening in the pissoirs. This
is my dream Larry, and I will continue to work to achieve it.
king
Thank you Robin, for being on the show. Oh! By the way pick
up that feather, it fell from your cap.
As he picks up another celery stalk and then an object from
the floor.
ROBIN
Oh! That's not my feather. It's a piece of fine Belgian lace
from my leotard.
SOUND: A soft chorus of "Oohs" from the camera crew.
ROBIN
Good night Larry. (SOUND) CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!
king
Goodnight Robin... Goodbye nation.
ext.
Rottenham-on-Stench fairgrounds - day
We see the entrance to the fairgrounds with a large banner
reading:
WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL ZUCCHINI FESTIVAL
The air is festive, with balloons and flags flying and band
music playing. People everywhere are in Mardi Gras costumes. Two couples are in
front of a long line at the ticket booth buying their tickets and they enter
through the turnstile. We follow them down the Midway where we see many
zucchini oriented booths.
One woman MILLIE and her escort MARK approach a booth
offering ZUKE DOGS.
MILLIe
Get me one Mark, please.
Mark talks to the ATTENDANT
mark
One ZUKE Dog please.
ATTENDAnt
Mild or spicy hot?
millie
Spicy and with cocktail sauce on the side.
The attendant places a zucchini on a stick, dips it into a
batter mix and suspends it in hot grease. (Think corn dog) He then hands it to
Millie in a paper sleeve gives her a cup of sauce and collects the payment.
attendant
One for you too sir.
Mark
No thanks, I'm for a zucchini burrito.
They walk further down the midway and reach a Tex-Mex booth
featuring Mexican style zucchini as tacos, burritos, tostados and chili. The
CLERK here is dressed in a serape and wears a large sombrero. (SOUND) Marimba
music is heard.
mark
I'd like one of those BaZOOKa Burritos. The hotter the better.
clerk
An excellent choice sir. The beans in it will make it live up to its name. Our napalm salsa dressing, with three jalapenos and two Habanero peppers in it, will make you think "flame thrower" tomorrow. I recommend asbestos shorts and our Fried Zucchini Ice Cream for dessert as a counter-measure.
The CLERK hands MARK the burrito. A label on the side says,
"Handle With Care." The burito has a hand grip like a pistol's. Mark aims the
burrito into his mouth and pulls the trigger with his thumb.
INSERT: Large flash! (SOUND) Marks face is glowing red and
the whites of eyes have flames in them. Flames burst from his nostrils and ears
and a small mushroom cloud errupts from the top of his head.
BACK TO
SCENE
The other couple MIKE and JENNIFER are walking along with
them. MARK looks extremely sunburned, and is pushing along a wheeled I.V.
stand, bag, and tubes.
jennifer
Oh look Mike. A ring toss. Let's give it t a try.
They approach the booth which has numerous zucchinis of
various sizes arranged as a target with the largest one in the center being
nearest in diameter to the ring.
They make a toss and she receivae a small zucchini prize.
Mike
I'm hungry now here's what I have been waiting for, the
barbecue booth.
The booth contains a number of rotisserie spits with
zucchinis skewered and the COOK basting them with barbecus sauce. They each
place their order and receive a zucchini on a bun.
jennifer
(taking a bite)
It's almost edible with enough barbecus sauce on it.
The foursome continues down the midway and approach a side
show booth with a crowd listening to a BARKER making a spiel. The Side Show
sign reads:
GRAPHIC:
DOCTOR ZYHGOTE'S AMAZING SHOW
SEE LIVE RESULTS OF GENETIC RESEARCH GONE APE
BARKER
Step right up folks. You will be amazed at the incredible
results of genetic research gone awry. These poor unfortunates have developed
an amazing variety of genitalia.
At this point he sees a boy in front of the crowd.
barker
(shooing the boy)
Move on sonny, this is for adults only! Come on in folks, you
will see how zucchini genetic research created male appendages mimicing various
types of squashes. Among others, you will see: Zeke Longzuke, who goes to
incredible lengths to entertain you.
SOUND: Tom-Toms
barker
You will meet the Native American, Chief Yellow Crookneck who
knows all the angles.
The various unusual color schemes ranging from chartreuse to
lavender, and particularly Joe Barberpole with his red and white coloration
will astound you.
A VOICE from the crowd.
voice (V O S)
I say, a bit overdone Eh?
SOUND: Middle Eastern music.
barker
Tommy Turban alone is worth the price of admission as is Bill
Butternut.
SOUND: Music "Come Back to Sorrento."
barker
Salvatore Spaghetti is a wonder to behold.
Many of the specimens you will see have developed stems. Yes, I said STEMS.
In addition, Dr. Homer Zygote, creator of these wonders will
explain the experimentation that produced such amazing results. He will also
tell you about how a portion of your admission price is dedicated to further
research to develop female counterparts of each of these people with negative
versions of their affected anatomy. This is to provide a normal sex life for
these unfortunates. He will make the case for more stem cell research.
So Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! the show starts in five
minutes.You'll be the hit of your next church social telling your friends about
your experience.
ext.
Midway at fairgrounds - day
A crowd of greatly overweight prople are in line at a booth
with the sign:
MAX BURGERS
THE LARGEST
BURGERS IN THE WORLD.
FEATURING The 2 POUNDER
ON A ZUCCHINI ROLL
We see four obese people at the head of the line placing
their order with the COUNTERMAN at the cash register. One is in costume as a
HOG, and another a MANATEE, a third as a WALRUS and the fourth a WHALE.
counterman
What'll it be folks?
Hog
We each want a MaxBurger.
We see the grill with burgers ten inches in diameter frying,
and the cook adds three more to the grill.
counterman
Want large fries with that?
hog
Yes all around, and a small soft drink as well.
The Counterman places four, one gallon paper buckets on the
counter and proceds to fill them up from a nozzle as on a gasoline pump.
counterman
You can't get that in New York City folks.
Have a seat, we will deliver your order to your table as soon
as the next batch of fries is done.
The four are seated at a table and we note that the chairs
are oversized and of heavy duty steel construction with rivets.
(SOUND)
We hear an engine revving up and a fork lift truck arrives to
deliver their order to the table. With the buckets, the burgers are seen to be
about 10 inches in diameter and with multiple layers up to six inches in
height. The fries are in large bales bound with paper straps.
The group (SOUND) Cheers the arrival of their food.
hog
(to the group as they dive in)
I ordered the small sides. We can get the big ones when we
have a bigger appetite after waddling around all afternoon.
EXT. FAIRGROUNDS ARENA- DAY
The entrance to the arena has the sign:
INSERT: WELCOME TO THE INTERNATIONAL TRI-P-ATHLON GAMES
Inside we see Lois interviewing PHIL BUCKETS.
LOIS
We are LIVE at the arena about to begin the fifth annual
International Urologic Committee Tri-P-Athlon. I am talking with Mr Phil
BUCKETS, winner of last year's contest. He will provide commentary on the finer
points of this sport.
buckets
Thank you and good afternoon TV Viewers.
LOIS
Am I pronouncing your name properly as Buckets as opposed to
Bouquets.
buckets
Yes Buckets is correct, the other flowery pronunciation
belongs to Hyacinth, a more snobbish member of the family.
lois
Phil, for the benefit of those in our audience who are not
familiar with the TRI-P will you explain its contests?
buckets
The TRI-P is the most challenging of all Urologic events. It
requires world class performance in the three recognized categories: Endurance,
Distance, and Accuracy. Each category requires intensive training, but the real
test is finding the correct balance since training in one category can hinder
performance in another. Our panel of experts will discuss this at length
shortly.
LOIS
Phil, start by explaining the first category Endurance which
will start shortly.
buckets
Endurance is just that. It's a measure of volumetric output
within a prescribed time limit of two minutes.
As he describes the course, we see the details as he mentions
them.
buckets
Each station on the course has a stainless steel collection
basin. There is a tube with an electric shutoff valve leading to a container
below. The rules require the contestant to stand with his feet within the two
footprints on the floor. This rule applies to all three Categories. A timing
device closes the valve in each tube at the two minute mark following a warning
signal ten seconds ahead of closure. The output of each contestant is duly
measured in milliliters and a sample is taken for analysis for illegal use of
performance enhancing drugs.
LOIS
What's all the bottles on the table at each position?
buckets
Those are beverages of all kinds such as beer, ale, water,
tea, coffee or any other legal liquid as preferred by each contestant to charge
up.
LOIS
We now go to meet our panel of experts which I affectionatley
refer to as Magpie Row.
We see three experts at a table. Hugh P. RIVERS, Urologist,
Whiz Banger, Trainer, and Max Streem former contestant. Lois introduces them.
We see (GRAPHICS) their name, beneath their images as they are introduced.
LOIS
First, meet Dr Hugh P. Rivers, Urologist. Dr Rivers, Welcome.
Can you give our audience a overview as to the physiological problems associated with the TRI-P?
rivers
Of course Fraulein Path. The reason balance is required in training for the TRI-P, is that the Endurance Category involves building up volume capacity in the bladder. This, if carried too far, causes a loss of elasticity, which is vital to the Distance and Accuracy components. As a result, the highest performers in Endurance tend to score lower in the other two Categories. The real high performers in Endurance tend to compete solely in that Category rather than the TRI-P.
buckets
They will each compete in two groups of five with their
scores from one to ten shown on the cards displayed by the judges after each
shot. There is obviously no warm up since that would detract from the final
output.
LOIS
The first five of ten competitors are taking up their
positions.
Five competitors in variious costumes grab a last minute gulp
of liquid and assume their position on the firing line.
The STARTER, holding a pistol, signals the start.
starter
Ready on the right.
(SOUND) Unzip.
starter
Ready on the left.
starter
Ready on the firing line.
(SOUND) Pistol shot.
(SOUND) We hear grunts, groans and AAHS. We hear the ten
second buzzer and the final horn completing the test. We then see the judges
measuring outputs, raising score cards for each competitor and putting aside
samples for drug testing.
As the second five complete the Endurnce Category, we see
A-Bomb Sasquash as an angel, Robin Zook in one of Friar Schmucks robes and
wearing a rubber Nixon mask, and Little Commode in a tutu leaving the firing
line.
LOIS
The scores are being posted on the overall score board.
INSERT: We see the score board:
TRI-P-ATHLON RESULTS
SCORES
ENTRANT &
COUNTRY ENDURANCE DISTANCE ACCURACY TOTAL
JOSE PISSARO SPAIN
8.5
MANLY STREAMER GR. BR.
7.3
PEDRO ORINES MEXICO 8.0
HERCULES OURON
GREECE 7.9
MAX WASSERLAUF
GERMANY 8.9
PIERRE SULEMENT
FRANCE WITHDREW
A-BOMB SASQUASH
ENGLAND 9.8
LITTLE COMMODE
USA 8.9
NiXON
USA 9.7
FLO RIVERS
IRELAND 8.9
LOIS
What happened to the French entry? He was a favorite.
buckets
He contracted dysentery on the trip over and was so
dehydrated he couldn't produce a drop.
LOIS
I suppose he lived up to his name PEE-AIR.
fade out
EXT.
FAIRGROUNDS ARENA
Lois, Clark, and Lenz are outside the arena. They meet with
Phil Buckets and as they begin to talk, a disturbance arises at the entrance.
There we see a number of women PICKETS carrying signs. Lois stops one of them
to talk.
Lois
What's all the commotion Miss?
picket WoMEN
We're protesting that the International Urologic Committee
has not established a womens TRI-P.
buckets
I understand that they have considered it and turned down the
application.
The pickets are chanting, wearing T-Shirts, and carrying
signs that say:
WE P 2
A SPOKESPERSON for the IUC is at the entrance to make a
public announcement.
spokesperson
The committee has for some time considered the application to
establish a women's TRI-P contest. We have had to settle for a competition in
the Endurance Category only at this time. We have conducted a trial contest for
the other Categories, Distance and Accuracy and determined that it is
impractical from a physiological point of view.
Lois has made her way to interview the Spokesperson.
LOIS
What were the results of the tests for Distance?
spokesperson
Sloppy!
LOIS
And for Accuracy?
spokesperson
All over the place.
lois
Is it a dead issue?
spokesperson
It' on Hold.
Until a practical and sanitary way is devised to conduct and measure those two
tests we have it on hold. This demonstration is just a tempest in a teapot.
LOIS
Or some other kind of pot.
A person dashes up to Lois and hands her a paper which she
reads.
LOIS
JUST IN! BREAKING NEWS! The IUC has disqualified six of the
nine remaining contestants as a result of the tests on their specimens. All six
have tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.
buckets
What are the details Lois? What were the test results?
lois
They detected high levels of FLO-MAX in their specimens. It
appears that the only three remaining contestants are A-Bomb Sasquash, Nixon,
and Little Commode. All three will be medalists unless one gets disqualified
for some reason.
A man forces his way into contact with Lois. He is a LAWYER.
Lawyer
(into mic held by Lois)
This is an unfair decision by the IUC. I am seeking an injunction for my client to stop this unfair procedure.
LOIS
What's unfair about the tests? The rules are specific.
LAWYER
My client chews bubble gum constantly. The flavorings in his
bubble gum cause positive but inaccurate readings in the tests.
buckets
(reading the paper)
The bubble gum claim blew up in the face of your client, it
says so in this press release.
As things quiet down.
LOIS
Here come the three remaining contestants to the firing line
for the start of the Distance Category. Phil, give our viewers a rundown on the
Distance Category.
buckets
As before, each contestant stands in the footprints at the
firing line. The course consists of a level sand stretch with grid markings in
meters and centimeters on a scale. It's a fairly simple test with grades based
on measured distance. Of course, the contestant has to stay within the
footprints. There is a piece of absorbent paper at each firing line and any
dribbling found on it causes a reduction of 1/2 point in score.
The three contestants are seen at their tables charging up on
liquids. A-Bomb Sasquash calls to the Chief JUDGE.
a-Bomb
These footprints are too close together for me.
judge
They are regulation.
a-bomb
For regular height people, but I am very tall and require a
wider stance. In fact, I have problems in certain Men's Rooms receiving
unwanted overtures from persons in adjacent stalls because of my wide stance.
judge
We will consult the rules book on this.
The judges consult and look into a book.
judge
You are correct, the rules state you are entitled to a wider
stance as long as you retain no greater or lesser "Angle of Dangle" than the
others.
They measure him up, paint over the footprints and put new
ones down slightly further apart.
judge
We will now pull straws to determine the firing order.
They pull straws and A-Bomb is to go first, Little Commode
second and Robin (Nixon) third. A-Bomb takes his position and (SOUND) unzips.
We only see his face which shows great strain as he fires away. The CHIEF JUDGE
examines the dribble pad.
chief judge
A clean shot.
JUDGE 2 takes the measurement.
judge 2
(calling out loud)
"Six Meters and Three Centimeters."
A great (SOUND) Cheer rises from the crowd. The judges hold
up their score cards four nines and two tens.
Little Commode now takes up his position on the firing line.
He goes to unzip, but since he wears a tutu has to settle for pulling it down.
He fires away and the Judges give him a clean shot and a score of five nines
and an eight.
Robin/Nixon takes up his firing position.
He (SOUND) begins to unzip but halfway through we see him
shudder with his face in agony as he is hung up and struggles with the zipper.
buckets
He's hung up! That's a real problem as he only has one minute
to perform or be disqualified.
With a (SOUND) Groan, Robin tugs violently and tears the
zipper loose. He wipes his brow with a bloody hand and proceeds without
straining, but in obvious pain.
chief judge
A clean shot. The blood spot does not count against him.
We see a large puddle of blood on the floor.
JUDGE 2
(calling out)
Six Meters Four Centimeters.
The judges hold up score cards three nines and three tens.
buckets
That puts him ahead in the Distance and behind in the
Endurance for a tie score with A-Bomb going into the Accuracy Category which
will determine who takes home the gold.
LOIS
Lets hear what our panelists have to say about this
development.
We catch the panelists having a beer with their feet on the
desk. The quickly clear the table.
whiz banger
What a performance. I've never seen a tie going into the
Accuracy Category.
max streem
What courage on the part of the Nixon masker to perform at
this level after a painful hang up.
dr. rivers
He had better get attention to that injury. An infection
could lead to amputation.
He may have a real problem in the Accuracy Category with that
injury. If he uses Novacain on it the numbness will impair his accuracy.
WHIZ BANGER
This afternoon will tell.
LATER IN THE AFTERNOON:
The group arrives for the Accuracy Category.
LOIS
Good afternoon fans, we are here to report LIVE at the the
IUC Tri-P-Athlon. This afternoon's contest will determine the gold medalist
between the Nixon Masker and Abominable Sasquash. Little Commode is out of the
running for the gold or silver, but is a shoo in for the bronze. Phil Buckets
will describe the firing range for this test of skill. Phil.
As he describes the course, we see each detail.
Buckets
The firing line is the same as the Distance Category, but the
targets are different. Five meters away each line has a porcelain target. The
locale for the TRI-P has been chosen for its proximity to the stables and the
farm animals being shown at the festival.
Three judges are seen preparing the targets (urinals). They
are placing an object into each one.
Lois
What are they putting into the targets?
buckets
Those are wet sugar loaves with a dollop of honey, Lois
LOIS
Whatever for?
buckets
The concept is: in the prescribed five minute interval;
"Whoever kills the most flies is the winner". Dead flies count one point each
and each cripple still alive after the five minutes count one half point. Gnats
don't count. In addition to precise aim, It takes real stamina and pressure to
exact clean kills with few escapees.
The three contestants take up positions at the firing line,
Robin is still wearing Schmuck's robes and the Nixon mask. On the command
"READY", they all (SOUND) unzip. Robin is seen gingerly unzipping. On "AIM" they
brace themselves for action and as the starting gun (SOUND) "FIRE", a great
(SOUND) Cheer rises from the crowd. We see concentration, squinting, and aiming
on their faces as they complete their work. On the final horn JUDGES 1, 2,
& 3 immediately examine the targets to do a fly count, while JUDGE 4 checks
for dribble.
JUDGE 4
All clear on dribble for all three contestants.
judge 1
Sasquash fly count 22 dead 1 crippled.
judge 2
Little Commode 20 dead and two cripples.
Judge 3
Nixon Masker 21 dead one cripple.
A (SOUND) Gasp from the crowd. he lost.
judge 3 (CONT'D)
(looking into the target)
One moment please, that score is not final. One of these is not a fly, but is a honey bee. The rules say it counts double or two points. The Nixon masker's score is 22 dead and one cripple.
Buckets
It's unheard of, Lois. They're tied again.
lois
How will it be settled?
BucKETS
The rules say that they have a freestyle tie breaker,
commonly known as a "Piss Off". Each man chooses the Category he wants to
compete in and the judges' scores are final.
LOIS
Let's hear from our panel on this development.
The panel members are caught playing cards.
dr. rivers
What happened, I was in the men's room?
LOIS
We're going into a tie breaker.
Dr. rivers
It'll be a miracle if the Nixon man can make it through
another session in his condition.
WHIZ BANGER
He's tough, Doc. A-Bomb will probably do a freestyle
Endurance demonstration, whereas, the Nixon masker seems to be best at Accuracy
and will probably choose that Category for his freestyle tie breaker. Little
Commode has won the Bronze.
MAX STREEM
Take a look at the score sheet folks. It certainly shows that A-Bomb Sasquash is stronger in Endurance and the Nixon masker is stronger in Accuracy.
INSERT:
TRI-P-ATHLON RESULTS
SCORES
ENTRANT &
COUNTRY ENDURANCE DISTANCE ACCURACY TOTAL
JOSE PISSARO SPAIN
8.5 DISQUALIFIED
MANLY STREAMER GR. BR. 7.3 DISQUALIFIED
PEDRO ORINES
MEXICO 8.0 DISQUALIFIED
HERCULES OURON
GREECE 7.9 DISQUALIFIED
MAX WASSERLAUF
GERMANY 8.9 DISQUALIFIED
PIERRE SULEMENT
FRANCE WITHDREW
A-BOMB SASQUASH
ENGLAND 9.8
9.2 9.0 28.0
LITTLE COMMODE
USA 8.9
8.8 8.8 26.5
NiXON
USA 9.7
9.3 9.0 28.0
FLO RIVERS
IRELAND 8.9 DISQUALIFIED
buckets
There will be a three hour interval between tests, in order
to give the contestants time to charge up again.
INSERT:
We see Robin and A-bomb at their firing line tables guzzling
vast quantities of liquids. Robin usea a straw through his mask.
fade out
EXT.
FAIRGROUNDS ARENA - later in day
Clark and Cameron Lenz are talking while waiting for Lois to
return from lunch.
lenz
Have you had any luck in getting a date with Lois?
clark
No luck, I even told her I had tickets to the rock concert by
the "Universal Joint Band" which is her favorite group and got shot down again.
She said she had to do her nails.
lenz
Keep trying maybe she'll weaken. She does seem to be obsessed
with the Robin Zook type. You should emulate him.
Lois joins them and they meet with Phil Buckets to report on
the tie breaker. Clark is seen searching unsuccessfully for a phone booth to
change into his Zook outfit and Robe costume, but everywhere people are using
cell phones and there are no phone booths. He ducks into a parked van and
changes as the van takes off. He is then seen running back to join the contest
LOIS
(into mic)
Live from the Rottenham-on-Stench Fairgrounds we are bringing
to you the final freestyle tie breaker of the IUC Tri-P-Athlon. This will
determine the winner of the gold medal and trophy. Phil Buckets will explain
the procedure.
buckets
Each contestant will select his preferred category. The flip
of a coin now under way will determine who goes first. (PAUSE) It appears that
Nixon won the toss and A-Bomb will be first. They are using the regular
Distance course. Sasquash is briefing the CHIEF JUDGE.
SASQUASH
My Category will be Endurance.
An assistant places a blue tarpaulin on the ground and then
places a 15 pound block of ice on it.
SASQUASH
I will melt the entire block of ice at a range of five meters
and within the five minutes time allotted me.
(SOUND) A gasp of amazement arises from the crowd.
(SOUND) A VOICE from the crowd is heard.
voice (V O S)
Man, we sure could use him in our volunteer fire company.
(SOUND) Sasquash UNZIPS and proceeds. He finishes and then
ZIPS UP. A JUDGE examines the tarp which now contains only a puddle.
The crowd goes wild cheering.
The Judges award him five tens and one nine.
Robin/Nixon takes his position and Maid Merion walks onto the
range at five meters range. She is dressed in complete rain gear. She places a
cigarette in her mouth and lights it as Zook/Nixon announces to the JUDGE.
ROBIN
I shall put out that cigarette without a drop touching the
lady.
(SOUND) Expressions of disbelief from the CROWD.
crowd (v O S)
No way he can do that.
What a brave girl.
(SOUND) Robin UNZIPS and takes his shot. The cigarette remains in Maid Merion's mouth. A great MOAN is heard from the CROWD.
crowd(V O S)
He missed! He missed!
JUDGE
Sorry Sir.
ROBIN
Check that cigarette closely please.
The Judge closely examines the cigarette that is still in
Maid Merions mouth.
JUDGE
The cigarette has been extinguished as he indicated. He did
it just touching the ignited tip, without knocking it from her mouth and nary a
drop on the lady.
(SOUND) Wild cheering by the crowd. The judges hold up their
score cards all TENS.
Int. award
platform - EVENING
Robin/Nixon is on the top level and wearing the gold medal. He is also holding over his head the TRI-P Trophy. It is a typical large trophy except on top it has a golden hand held urinal bottle. (The kind that looks like a duck).
Sasquash and Little Commode are on the lower levels wearing
their silver and bronze medals. Robin is acknowledging the crowd's
cheers when six commandos armed with assault weapons and led by Magnum
Leffingstock sieze him at gunpoint and tear off his mask and robe.
Leffingstock
(to the crowd)
We have apprehended the renegade Robin Zook. He will be tried
and put to death.
(SOUND) The crowd booing loudly.
Leffingstock
(to Robin)
Your pride could not let you resist the temptation to show
off your skill and so you took the great risk competing here. We knew from your
reputation as a marksman that the winner Had to be you...
(SOUND) Music "It Had To Be You"
int.
Dungeon of Rottenham-on-Stench - Late evening
We see Robin in the cell receiving his meal through a
slot in the door. He is talking with the GUARD outside. He looks into
the bowl of thin wormy gruel.
ROBIN
Is this the best you can do, you should fire your chef.
GUARD
You won't need nourishment where you're going. I hear
that the Sheriff is negotiating with DeSchmeers to turn you over to his
hoodlums for "In Depth" treatment instead of the usual drawn and eighthed.
ROBIN
How so, this "In depth treatment"?
GUARD
You can ask the fishes at the bottom of the River Stench.
ROBIN
Will you take my request for writing materials to the
Sheriff? I would like to prepare my will. Also, ask him to permit me to
receive the last sacrements from Friar Schmuck, Pastor of St. Sodom's
Church.
GUARD
I will do so. I'm sure he will enjoy doing so.
int. robin
zook's cell - day
(SOUND) Outside we hear a large CROWD chanting:
CROWD
Free Robin Zook! Free Robin Zook!
At the front of the crowd , Little Commode is seen
disguised in drag. Robin is writing on a piece of paper. He folds it
into an airplane and marks it TO: Little Commode. He sails it outside
the window and it lazily floats around almost falling short, but
finally reaches Little Commode who hastily pockets it.
int. tent
in cherbois forest - day
Little Commode, Friar Schmuck and others are reading the note
from Robin.
schmuck
These are his instructions. We are to meet with his
chief ARMORER to have him devise special exotic equipment to be used in
an escape attempt.
little Commode
We'd better get busy, there's wittle time weft. This is an
ewaborate, but bold plan that can easiwy fail.
int.
Armorer's workshop - day
Little Commode and Schmuck are talking with the ARMORER who
is reading Robin's plan. (Think 007's supplier of special gear)
schmuck
Can you make this by tomorrow?
armorer
I have a track record of providing special tools and arms to
Special Agent 008. This is a piece of cake. Come by at noon.
ext. a
marina on the river stench - day
Schmuck and Little Commode are arranging the rental of a high
speed cigarette boat. They climb into the boat.
schmuck
Avast there Little Commode. Go aft and free the starboard
painter.
LITTLE COMMODE
What's with this nautical cwap. You playing saiwor or
something. Do you even know how to opewate this thing.
SCHMUCK
I have guided many a soul to eternal grace in the
waters of this river. Besides, I was a PT boat Captain in the second
World War.
little commode
Okay. Wet's contact Wois Path. Robin requested we have her
with us so she can get a major story. Also, we need her special skills.
int.
robin's cell - dayS
Several of DeSchmeers hoodlums are in the cell with
Leffingstock They have Robin in a chair while they place his feet in a
cardboard box and fill it with concrete that they have mixed on the
floor.
leffingstock
You'll make excellent food for the garfish.
ROBIN
Whatever happened to the fair trial we brag about?
leffingstock
(laughing)
You were tried "In Absentia" and convicted of
poaching. The DeSchmeers boys thought it'd be more fun this way than
the usual penalty. Besides, we don't want there to be a gravesite for
people to mourn at. Your minister will be here shortly to administer
your last rites.
They all leave as Friar Schmuck arrives and begins to perform
a "rite".
Schmuck then removes a belt similar, but slightly larger than
the one worn by Robin. He exchanges it for the one Robin was wearing.
Schmuck exits as the hoods drag Robin off in the chair. Robin bravely
does not struggle.
ext- a
boat on the river stench - day
Robin is perched on the stern of an ordinary boat and
it is under way. It is operated by a HOOD. Simultaneously, we see the
cigarette boat nearby operated by Friar Schmuck and towing Little
Commode on water skis with Lois on his shoulders. They fall and Schmuck
picks them up.
Schmuck
A great idea of Robin's, the water ski bit. It'll throw them
off thinking we're just boaters having fun.
lois
Keep them just in sight, not too close and watch for them to dunk Robin.
Ext.
aboard the Leffingstock boat - Day
leffingstock
How deep is it here?
operator
20 feet sir.
leffingstock
Fine, let's launch him.
(to Robin)
Any last requests asshole?
robin
(pleadingly)
Yes sir, please release my hands so I can pray properly with
my hands folded.
They release his hands as they shove him off the stern with
his hands folded in prayer.
(SOUND) KER-PLUNK
ext.
underwater in the river
As Robin settles to the bottom he reaches for his
belt and presses a button. The belt releases a breathing tube with an
inflated float which pops up on the surface as the Leffingstock boat
is seen leaving. Robin has the breathing tube in his mouth and waits for help.
ext. the
cigarette boat.
The trio zoom rapidly toward Robin's locale, just as a fog
bank rolls in over the spot. Lois is donning Scuba gear.
LOIS
Oh My God. We'll never locate him in this fog bank.
Little Commode
Not to worry Wois, we have this.
He produces a radio location device and antenna (similar to
that used in locating animals).
Little commode
The float sends a signal we can detect and home in on..
Schmuck guides the boat and after several failed
attempts they locate the float. Lois goes into the water with a rope
with a harness on the end and we see her following the breathing
tube to Robin where she connects Robin to the harness and does "buddy
breathing" with Robin with her Scuba mask.
Topside, Schmuck and Little Commode struggle to raise
Robin to the surface where he emerges gasping. Lois proceeds to attack
the concrete block with a small cordless jackhammer and succeeds in
removing half of it. She notices Robin's beard and moustache are askew
and removes it to replaces it properly and discovers that Clark is Robin
Zook.
LOIS
(embracing Clark passionately)
I suspected it was you Clark by your always knowing where
Zook would strike.
Clark
(whispering)
Put my beard and moustache back in place, Lois. Let's keep my
identity a secret for now, even from Little Commode and Friar Schmuck.
Lois has succeeded in removing HALF of the concrete
block, freeing one foot. She rubs his foot to restore circulation and
they start to get horny and into a passionalte love scene (A parody of
love scenes at dangerous, critical moments in movies). Things get out
of hand and they start to head below to one of the bunks. This is
hampered by his hobbling and dragging the large concrete block on one leg.
Below, his
amorous efforts are further hampered by his trying to have sex with
the leotard wrapped around the same leg as the fifty pound
concrete block on one foot. Meanwhile the cigarette boat is chasing
down the villians.
Little Commode
(shouting down the stairs)
Enough, down there! Save that for later, we are cwosing in on
them.
Lois chisels again and removes the other concrete block.
ROBIN
Hand me that carrying case Lois.
She hands it to him and he opens it, It contains five
arrown with explosive tips labeled C-4. A high tech compound bow
is alongside the case. They go topside as they approach the villians'
boat.
ext. The
villians boat
Leffingstock is with the four, armed hoodlums.
leffingstock
That high speed boat seems to be catching up to us.
He looks through binoculars.
Leffingstock
By Jove, that appears to be two of Robin Zook's men and that
Path woman.
He hands the binoculars to LUIGI, one of the hoods. Luigi
looks through the glass.
luigi
That sure looks like Robin Zook with them. How can
that be? They must have had a way to rescue him. They are pursuing us
it seems.
GUIDO
(fondling his assault weapon)
Let 'em come, I can use the target paractice.
Ext. on
the cigarette boat
As they rapidly approach the villians, Friar Schmuck
is taking evasive action, zig-zagging. A burst of automatic weapon
fire sprays across their bow as he turns and avoids it.
Schmuck
Hot dog! Just like at Leyte Gulf. I haven't had this much
excitement in years.
clark
Work us in close enough for me to fire an arrow.
Through a curtain of bullets Schmuck gets close
enough for Clark to fire. We follow the arrow and it barely misses the
villians and explodes with a giant splash.
clark
We have to get close enough for me to hit them.
They try again and again, each time coming dangerously close
to disaster. Clark has only one explosive arrow left.
clark
Friar Schmuck, race ahead of them and keep just out of range
of their guns. Hold a position to their port side.
LITTLE COMMODE
That's their weft side, Fwiar.
SCHMUCK
Don't be a smart ass, I know that.
clark
I note that they are all in the back of their boat.
schmuck
That's aft, Robin.
clark
I know that. Where's port?
LITTLE COMMODE
In the wine cellar.
lois
This is no time To practice your Abbott-Costello routine.
clark
We have to get in real close. On my signal quickly turn to
starboard.
LITTLE COMMODE
That's always right.
SCHMUCK
I know, dammit. Let's stay on course.
little commode
(Looking at the compass)
That's 197 degrees, 30 minutes, or South South West.
SCHMUCK
Dammit it, I know that Shaddup!
clark
As I was saying, on signal, turn 90 degrees to
starboard and race across their bow at close range. They will be
scrambling to get forward.
LITTLE COMMODE
That's the front of their boat.
clark
(exasperatedly)
I know, I know. As I was saying, I will have a clean shot at
them as we go across their bow and we can make our escape.
SCHMUCK
(gleefully giggling)
Ooh! Just like Nelson at Trafalgar "Crossing the T". Will I
be able to retire after I cross the "T"?
little Commode
Just hope you don't suffer the same fate as Nelson.
Schmuck puts the boat in the proper position and
Clark signals him to turn. Schmuck executes the maneuver perfectly and we see
the villians rushing to get forward on their boat in order to
get a shot at the cigarette boat.
Robin draws the bow and releases the last arrow at close
range and we follow its flight and then see the villians scrambling to
get overboard, but too late. The boat goes up in a giant fireball
explosion.
int. pox
tv news studio - evening
Lois and Clark are at the debate between Abominable Sasquash and Wyatt Barf. Larry KING is mediating.
clark
(into mic)
The two candidates in the election race
for the replacement of the late Magnum Leffingstock, as Sheriff of
Rottenhan-on-Stench are here for the long awaited debate.
LOis
(into mic)
The only entry to face Abominable Sasquash is Mr. Wyatt Barf, former Marshall of Chrysler City. Barf achieved international fame in a shoot-out when he and his partner Doc Furlough wiped out four scofflaws at the O.K. Parking Lot. We will keep you posted as their campaigns progress after tonight's debate. Mr. Larry King will be mediator of the debate. He is introducing the candidates.
A-Bomb Sasquash enters and shakes hands with King and then
Barff. They both are squeezing fiercely and their faces are red. Barf then
takes his place behind his rostrum.
King
Welcome Mr. Sasquash.
Sasquash
Call me A-Bomb Larry, like everyone else.
king
An intereesting abbreviation of your name, Abominable.
a-bomb
Actually, it referes to my energy output, which will be a
valuable asset in straightening out the mess left by Magnum Leffingstock who
was in the hip pocket of the DeSchmeers cartel through their PIGS.
WYATT BARF enters from the opposite side. He is dressed in
western gear and sports a six gun. He walks over and shakes hands with A-Bomb.
They are both squeezing so hard, almost like arm wrestling, that they are red
faced.
king
Welcome Mr. Barf. Marshall Barf achieved fame in the famous
O.K. Parking Lot shoot-out. Welcome Mr Barf. We will begin with A-Bomb
A-Bomb
I have years of experience as field manager of zucchini
holdings. As such I supervised hundreds of employees. I know how to control
costs in order to keep taxes low and will put an end to the practice of
numerous employees having take home cars and government credit cards with no
controls on spending. I have a Masters in Early Renaissancce Bulgarian Bustle
Stuffing and a minor in Zucchini Culture.
king
Mr Earp.
As Marshall of Chrysler City, I brought law and order to that
dump. I ousted the controlling crooks, closed the brothels and put the saloons
under control. My experience is exactly what is need here in
Rottenham-on-Stench. With my deputy, Doc Furlough, I wiped out four dangerous
scofflaws on the main street of town.
King
First, Mr. Sasquash, for the rebuttals.
A-Bomb
You call it heroic to shoot down four citizens whose only
offenses were unpaid parking tickets and spitting on the sidewalk? Is there no
kindness in your heart?
Barf
They had a combined total of 24 unpaid tickets, they were
repeat offenders, scofflaws who deserved the maximum penalty. You should
mention kindness, the way you underpay illegal immigrants and crack the
whip over them with your famous megatons of energy.
Your skills in Bustle Stuffing, will probably come in handy
as you try to stuff the ballot boxes.
a-bomb
I still question your eligibility to run here when most of
your time is spent in Chrysler.
BARF
The court establilshed my residency when they rejected your
lawsuit.
a-bomb
If you call a P.O. Box and a room at the HOT PILLA Motel on
the edge of town residency.
barf
Besides, it is well known that you are an active member of a
religious cult.
A-Bomb
(obviously furious)
At least I have religion.
barf
You call belonging to the Church of the Crawfish Adoration
having religion.
a-bomb
It's better than that bunch of Snake Handlers you workship
with. What's it called, The Church of Slither.
Barf.
Your religion has weird rituals. Every springtime, the
members meet and boil up large cauldrons of water with strange herbs. They boil thousands of these living
creatures and eat them while downing numerous strong beverages.
A-bomb
It's called a Crawfish Boil, and it's a part of our rites. It
is in honor of the origin of our religion.
king
Would you explain that origin A-Bomb?
a-bomb
Our founder James Brown was an avid mountain climber. He
became stranded in a cavity atop Mount Sinus and was near death from
starvation. He prayed to the Great Mountain Spirit and fell into a coma. He
awoke in the morning to find a large golden crock full of live crawfish. Having
no way to cook them, he again prayed and slept and awoke to find a burning bush
which he used to cook them. His life was saved, and he noticed that the golden
crock had engraved on it ,complete instructions as to the tenets of a new
religion he was to create. Although the crock was taken back, he had memorized
the instructions and the rest is history as written in the Book of Crawdad. Our springtime rites
honor this heavenly experience. Amen. This certainly ia a valid religion
compared to that nest of Snake Handlers you belong to, asshole. What do you
call yourselves?
BARF
We are the Church of Herpetoloogy.
At least we don't eat the objects of our worship. Actually,
since people releasing Burmese Pythons into the wild established a population
of them in the Everglades, each of our churches now has a twenty-five footer,
usually named Monty. It is given free range on the premises and handled by
thirty first degree Herpeins.
INSERT: We approach a small primitive rural church in the Deep South. The Sign on the lawn reads:
WELCOME TO THE
CHURCH OF HERPETOLOGY
Reverend Cotton Mouther, Supreme
Handler
On the roof instead of a cross, there is a large sculpture which is seen to be a pair of dice showing "Snake Eyes"
Inside, we see a congregation of rural types with MOUTHER at
the altar and his ASSISTANT. The altar also has a Snake Eyes icon. Mouther has
a diamondback rattler around his neck.
mouther
(to the congregation)
We will begin our service with a hymn, as soon as we can
locate our organist.
assistant
I can't find her anywhere, she was here a few minutes ago.
They search frantically until they see Monty the python on
the floor and with a large lump in his middle. The lump is moving as if
something in it struggling.
mouther
We shall Miss JoAnne Bach terribly, but let us proceed
acapella, and take comfort in the knowledge that her sacrifice will keep Monty
alive and healthy for many weeks.
Brethren, and sisthren open your hymnals to Hymn 52, "Turn Down That Reptile's Apple."
The Assistant produces a small harmonica.
Assistant
Reverend, I can accompany on my mouth organ.
He blows and "A" on it and the CONGREGATION begins singing
with the harmonica accompaniment.
congreation
Turn down that reptile's apple
Don't swap it for your soul
To chomp that Red Delicious
Will lead you to Hell's Hole
Eschew the tempting of the snake
The path to heaven let thee take.
That sweet Rome Beauty, do not nosh
Nor Jonathan nor MacIntosh
Don't let Granny Smith undo ye
Fuji, Gala, or Braeburn screw thee
Give that Honey Crisp the snub
Say Hell No! to Beezlebub
Say Hell No! to Beezlebub
Aaah Menn Aah Menn.
As we leave the church and it recedes in the distance, we can
hear the singing gradually fade out with the visual.
fade out
BACK TO THE DEBATE;
barf
A negative side effect of the pythons, however, is they are creating a financial strain
on the Church by depleting our
supply of tithing worshippers.
a-bomb
I want the voters to know that I am a man of the soil. That
is why I have been campaigning from the back of a donkey cart throughout
the countryside.
barf
You're confusing the electorate. They see a braying jackass on either end of the wagon.
Losing his cool completely, A-Bomb charges across the set and
grabs Barf by the throat.
a-bomb
Call me a jackass, you shithead
I'll shove that mic down your throat or up the other end that
produces more sensible sounds.
Barf breaks free and is being chased around his podium,
staying away from A-Bomb and mocks him in a childish sing-song voice.
barf.
Jackass...Jackass Ha! Ha! Ha!
king
Gentlemen, GENTLEMEN. You are on national television.
king
Thank you and goodnight everyone.
As he removes his mic and
talks with Clark.
king
At last an interesting debate.
black out
int. Pox
TV Studio - one month later
Lois as anchor and Clark are at the table with the usual
Weatherman and Sportscaster. She is ending one news item. On the wall we see
the POX TV logo with many spots and a thermometer in the face's mouth.
Lois
..and so the anti-terrorist vigilante group has
threatened to drop a dirty bomb on Mecca if any such bomb is deployed
in this country.
JUST IN! A press release issued by the DeSchmeers
cartel advises that they are discontinuing all operations on this
continent. They cite financial losses resulting by Robin Zook's
raids as their reason.
The price of zucchini futures has gone negative, indicating
that they are having to pay people to take it.
INSERT: Chart showing zucchini futures off the chart, below zero in price.
LOIS
Stay tuned for our award winning reality show "Supporters"
the thrilling stories of the dangers faced by the people who design and test
jock straps.
As they wrap up the program, they are talking off air.
Lois
Now that zucchini is available everywhere, it will be
interesting to see the public reaction.
clark
People are likely to realize that it's just plain old
zucchini. Nothing special.
LOIS
Yeah! Only a useful food. Just as diamonds are only truly
valuable industrially.
clark
The growers will probably flood the market thinking they'll
make a killing.
LOIS
They'll get a surprise when nobody wants it because it's no longer scarce and expensive.
GRAPHIC
SIX MONTHS LATER
ext. Slum
neighborhood - day
A bum is sitting against a wall with his hat out
looking for handouts. A closer look and we recognize him as Lord
Helpus-Valdez, He has lost his entire fortune and is destitute. A
PASSERBY is talking with him.
Passserby
Sir, are you not, Lord Helpus-Valdez, Earl of EXXON?
Helpus-Valdez
It's only Mister Helpus-Valdez now, I even had to sell my title to pay off all my debts. Those derivatives and credit default swaps, whatever the hell they are, were deadly. I should have heen selling them and taking home obscene bonuses, rather than buying them and losing my ass.
The Passerby drops a small zucchini into his hat.
Helpus-Valdez looks at it and shrinks in horror. He kicks it away.
helpus-Valdez
Get that damn thing out of my sight. It's deadly.
int.
produce department mal-mart - day
Two WOMEN are standing at a display table. It is stacked high
with zucchinis.
woman 1
Wow! look at the price on that zucchini, 10 cents per pound.
My God, I paid a fortune for one little one last year.
WOMAN 2
Well when it was expensive everyone wanted it , now that it's
cheap, they can't give it away.
As she picks up a zucchini and holds it up provacatively and
thrusts it upward.
WOMAN 1
They can take my share of it and shove it.
woman 2
Well it certainly has the right shape for that.
WOMAN 1
Yeah, specially with a little Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
WOMAN 2
That would be a better use for it than eating the damn thing.
(CLOSE UP) The department MANAGER is in his office on the telephone.
manager
Cancel all my open orders. Since it became available you have
shipped all those back orders and I'm up to my ass in zucchini.
As we back off we see that he is standing up and is actually
"Up to his ass in zucchini".
EXT.
STREET CORNER IN SHABBY NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
A late model automobile drives up to the corner where
a drug dealer is standing. the DRIVER rolls down the window and speaks
to the DEALER.
driver
Got any good shit.
dealer
What'll it be , coke, pot, crack, smack, you name it.
driver
Aren't you dealing zuke any more.
dealer
No way! You can get it for free everywhere. People are even starting to grow that new Z-7 stuff on their window sills. It's back to the old stuff for me.
ext. A
field of zucchini - day
A FARMER is in a tractor plowing under the crop. He stops the
tractor to talk with a FARMHAND at the end of a row.
farmer
Well, It's back to corn again. There ain't no money in
zucchini anymore.
farmhand
I been sick of all the government controls on the damn stuff.
farmer
Now that the government has repealed the laws controlling it,
it's everywhere.
int. The
Swissenham-on-Rye Opera house - night
We see many of the
audience in formal wear and on stage Little Commode is singing Mimi's
final aria in La Boheme. As Mimi, Little Commode is two heads taller
than the Rodolfo, but holding his own vocally.
The curtain falls as
Marchello embraces Rodolfo with the closing word "Coraggio" The
principals appear for curtain calls amid thunderous applause and bravos. As the
other cast members exit the stage after their bows, Little Commode is called
back for
repeated bows. Some crude remarks are being shouted and the cheers turn
to laughter from the AUDIENCE because of Little Commode's strange walk.
AUDIENCE (V O S)
Victor Borge called that her die-aria.
He looks like he's holding something in.
He looks like he is smuggling a zucchini through customs.
He'll make a great Wagnerian heroine with a spear and a
shield. A Brawn hilda.
Keep clapping so we can see that walk again.
Friar Schmuck, as Conductor, after taking a bow, addresses
the audience.
SCHMUCK
It is with pride and sadness that we say farewell to
Little Commode. This will be his last performance with us as he is off
to join the Met. We wish him well in this new phase of his career.
We are also pleased to announce that our Boys Choir will be
singing the Christmas program at the Kennedy Center in New York.
A standing ovation.
schmuck
Thank you and good night.
int.
restaurante sorrento - night
At the door is ROSE MONELLA, Sal's widow. In widows weeds,
she is greeting people arriving dressed in formal wear.
We see a sign.
WELCOME TO THE BULSHITZER PRIZE AWARD CEREMONY
IN OUR MAIN DINING ROOM
People are having cocktails and awaiting the dinner and award
ceremony. After they sit down, the host Will Snoops at the main table taps on
his glass and asks for the crowd's attention.
snoops
Welcome everyone, We are here tonight to honor our reporter
Lois Path on the occasion of her winning the coveted Bulshitzer Prize for
outstanding journalism.
(SOUND) Applause
Lois's determination and tireless effort brought great honor
to herself and to our newspaper. It is with great pleasure that I present her
with this plaque and a bonus check from the paper for $10,000.
(SOUND) More wild applause as Lois accepts the plaque and
check.
snoops
Lois, can we hear from you
about your experience in reporting on the Zucchini Wars?
LOIS
First, I have to give equal credit to Clark Meeks who
deserves this award as much as I. Clark had the incredible contacts to forecast
where the Zook Raids were to occur so I was always at the right place at
the right time. His work was outstanding as was the wonderful camera work of
Cameron Lenz. Clark, and Max pleaase take a bow.
(SOUND) A standing ovation for the two.
lois
I thank you all for coming here and for being my friend. I
won't keep you away from your banquet dinner of chicken, mashed potatoes, green
peas and a canned fruit cup with one half cherry, I have the urge to stand and
say a few words. any time I am served that meal, even in a hash house.
Seriously, Rose Monellas gourmet meal awaits you and there is not ONE Damn
zucchini dish on the menu. Thank you.
(SOUND) Another standing ovation.
fade out
Int,
Office of Elections Comissioner - night
People are at a table with a ballot box and are counting the
votes. There are three piles in trays labeled SASQUASH, BARF, and CANCELLED.
The Cancelled ballots are a large pile and the other two very small and equal
is size. The COMISSIONER is opening the ballots and getting agreement from the
BARF REP and the SASQUASH REP as to each vote.
comissioner
This is the last ballot. It looks like a vote for Barf.
He passes it to each and they agree. He puts it on the Barf
pile.
comissioner
We will now count those valid votes for each candidate.
He counts each small pile and announces the result
COMISSIONER
There are six votes for each man. It looks like a tie.
He looks into the ballot box, then dumps it over.
COMISSIONER
Wait, there is one more ballot in there I missed.
He examines it.
COMISSIONER
It appears to ba a vote for Barf.
The Sasquash Rep. looks at it.
sasquash rep
Bullshit, that's not an "X' by his name.
Barf Rep
It damn well is, look at it, asshole.
sasquash rep
No way I agree to that you idiot.
They are both standing and in each others' face.
commissioner
Since we can't agree here, this election will have to
be decided by the Supreme Court.
cut to
int.
supreme court room - day
The nine justices are all lined up at a table and the Chief
Justice ABE FARTUS is calling the session to order. They each have a desk
plaque with their names. He sits to the left of Justice Felix HOTDOGG who is
fooling with his hearing aid. The justices are all ancient and tremble and
speak with quavering voices. Fartus picks up his gavel and starts to pound it
and then pounds it across the table apparently chasing a roach. He finally
appears to smash the roach and we see him wiping the end of his gavel on his
robe.
fartus
I have to have my clerk get on Maintenance to change
exterminators. Another goddam roach.
Hotdogg
I voted yes on that.
Fartus
What the hell are you talking about?
HOTDOGG
Roach vs Wade.
FARTUS
If you mean Roe
vs Wade, NOT roach. I voted
no on that.
hotdogg
I never could figure out what Wade had against fish eggs. Could Wade have been allergic to caviar.
learned foot
Caviar, isn't that an opera by that Frenchman Bidet.
FArtus
Roe vs Wade was about abortion.
Hotdogg
(cupping an ear)
Did you say ablution,
that's what that bidet is
for, isn't it?
fartus
(banging gavel)
Never mind. Never mind.
He checks the gavel and again wipes off another kill.
fartus
Damn things are taking over the joint. Order. Order.
(GAVEL BANG)
Fartus
I can understand the controversy over this ballot. It
certainly isn't marked with a clean "X". It looks like small scribbling to me.
With trembling hands he then passes it down to Justice
Bertha GINSLURP who examines it with a magnifying glass.
ginslurp
(in a trembling voice)
I dunno. It looks more like a bird shit on it. Maybe there
was a sparrow loose in the gymnasium where the ballot was cast. Come to think
of it, that would probably be a better way to elect politicians as what we do
now. Simply lay out the ballots on the floor and release a flock of pigeons
inside the polling place.
fartus
They would probably make better selections for congress than
the voters have made in the past.
It is passed to Justice SCOLIOSIS who examines it with a
jewelers loupe.
scoliosis
By God! It looks to me like a miniature Rorschach ink blot.
And it's a pornographic image too.
Justice IMA SOUSER takes it and also examines it with the
loupe.
souser
(giggling)
Hot damn! you're dead on.
fartus
How do you know it's porno?
souser
I know porn when I see it. It has no redeeming artistic
value. Besides it arouses even me.
She passes it to Justices Felix HOTDOGG and Learned FOOT who
examine it cursorily and pass it on.
justice hotdogg
I don't need to look at it, I had my mind made up before we
met.
justice Learned foot
Let's get this over with, I have to coach my great granddaughter's soccer team today.
After they all examine it, they return it to Fartus who puts
it on the desk and he too is examining it closely with a magnifying glass as it
lies there.. He accidentally spills his cup of coffee on it.
fartus
Shit, call in a janitor to clean up this mess.
The JANITOR arrives and starts to wipe up the coffee. He is a
moronic looking idiot. He looks at the ballot as he wipes up the coffee.
janitor
Is dat what youse guys is trying to figger out. Hell, dats a
"X" in cursive script. I loined dat in Kinnergartin.
A surprised Fartus looks again and announces.
fartus
He's right! Therefore this is a vote for Barf who is the winner. Let's take
the vote. Not that it makes any difference, since we all are going to vote this
thing along party lines and this is all been for show to make it look like it
was seriously considered.
blackout
int.
Campaign headquarters of Wyatt Barf - night
There is great celebration with the usual decorations. On
closer look it is inside The Saddle Sore Saloon it is crowded and we hear
gunshots occasionally. The smoke is very
thick as Barf is passing out cigars freely and everyone has a cigar in
his or her mouth. Barf fires a salvo into the ceiling to demand attention. He
is standing next to a woman dressed in a slinky gown and is real sexy looking.
A closer look and we see it is a completely made over Maid Merion.
barf
First let me thank you all for your tireless efforts on my
behalf. I would like my fiancee, Maid Merion to honor us with a song.
To a round of applause and cheering, Maid Merion takes the
stage. As she starts to sing "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" while choking and gasping
merion
(CHOKE) They asked me how I knew(HACK, HACK)
My true love (CHOKE) was truem.
We see clark and Lois looking at each other amorously.
merion
I of course (GASP) replied
Something here inside, ssmmmoke gets in your....(CHOKING
UNCONTROLLABLY) eyes.
Barf jumps onto stage and embraces her and starts to sing in
a deep baritone voice.
MUSIC: Porgy & Bess
BARF
Merion you is my broad now. You is! You is! And you
must laugh and sing and dance..for two.
Then to the crowd:
BARF
Yes folks! Maid Merion is now the feature chanteuse at this,
my Saddle Sore Saloon along with the Merry Maids chorus line. My deputy Doc
Furlough is the manager and bouncer.
We see Furlough ejecting a drunk who is wearing a Sasquash
button.
int.
campaign headquarters of A-Bomb Sasquash - night
Sasquash is at the podium making his concession speech to the
CROWD..
SASQUASH
I have exhausted all legal means to keep that nut case Barf
from endangering the public. I must therefore concede the election to him and
suggest that all citizens arm themselves, even in church and school.
INSERT: We see an arms dealer store with a long line of
people awaiting to get in. We see nuns, priests, nurses, children, housewives,
doctors, old ladies,etc.
we see a sign on the store front:
GUNS DON'T KILL. AS EFFICIENTLY
USE POISON GAS FOR BEST RESULTS
CANNISTERS $129.95
A VOICE from the crowd.
VOICE (V O S)
To what do you attribute your defeat A-Bomb?
SASQUASH
It was because of all those hundreds of unmarked and
mutilated ballots. Our exit polls, accurate plus or minus 4%) indicated
that all those ballots would have been votes for me if marked properly, but my
constituents did not know how to make the letter "X".
EXT.
ROTTENHAM-ON-STENCH central park - day
Senator P.U. Wellslime is making a speech to the CROWD
attending the dedication of a statue. The statue is covered with a drapery.
wellslime
...and so, we are here to dedicate this statue to the
everlasting memory of the one who championed the return of zucchini to its
rightful place in the diets of our populace. The one whose exploits in the face
of great risks and terrible odds defeated the forces of evil. The one who...
CROWD person 1 (V O S)
(interrupting)
My God, he's been talking for an hour.
Tapping his wrist watch.
CROWD PERSON 2(V O S)
Jeeez, he makes Fidel Cstro sound terse.
Crowd Many voices (V O S)
Shaddap dammit. Show us the statue.
Wellslime pulls a string to unveil the statue. It is of Robin
Zook. He has his bow fully drawn with an explosive tipped arrow. Wellslime
cannot keep his mouth shut and has to explain the statue as it is scanned close
up.
wellslime
As you can see, he is aiming beyond the horizon and to the
future. He is serving notice to any future tyrants that a champion will arise
to put down the forces of evil among us.
On closer look, we see that he has what appears to be a
zucchini of heroic proportions stuffed in front of his leotard.
The Inscription on the base reads:
GAD ZOOK
cut to
int. NAAZP
conference room - day
Luke Zuckerman is calling
a meeting of his executive staff MEMBERS to order.
ZUCKERMAN
Our costly lobbying has finally paid off with the repeal of
Dogbody -Wellslime. Unfortunately, we now have a problem in that so many
growers and citizens planted zucchini that there is a massive glut. We have to
think of ways to decrease productiona and increase consmption. Let's hear some
ideas.
MEMBER 1
Can we start a research program with Dr. Zygote to develop a
variety that produces less
yield?
zuckerman
A good suggestion,
member 2
Let's lobby for paying farmers to plow under their crops, or
better yet, pay them not to
grow zucchini.
ZUCKERMAN
Good idea too. We have history on our side on that one. What
about other uses for it.
MEMBER 3
What if we promote zucchini compost as being the best thing
for gardens and lawns. We can get everyone grinding it up and aging it. That'll
take vast amounts out of circuation.
member 4
Promote using the larger ones for doorstops.
Member 2
How about zucchini beer? That would do the trick. Zook Broo!
member 3
Better yet, Zook Wine Coolers. We can give them a srong Cola
flavor and call hem Cuckoo Cooler or Cokey Cooler, Coka Cooler or Cola Coker
Zuckerman
We might have a legal problem with that one.
MCBLURB
I will put together a possible advertising campaign, and we
can go from there.
ZUCKERMAN
There is another item on the agenda I want to bring up. We
are receiving information that the price of broccoli is starting to climb,
showing efforts to corner the market. It looks like DeSchmeers is at it
again.
INSERT: Mercantile Exchange showing broccoli prices rapidly
rising.
Member 1
We should consider forming NOW a subsidiary the National
Association for the Advancement of Broccoli
Preference. The new NAABP.
ZUCKERMAN
We will have to word things carefully since the term "BP" is
not too popular in states along the Gulf of Mexico.
Ext.
Elevator in NAAZP building - day
Lois and Clark are on the elevator leaving from their meeting
at NAAZP.
clark
Here we go again.
lois
This looks like another job for Robin Zook!
clark
More like Robin BROC! And his partner Mrs. Broc.
LOIS
Is that a proposal?
clark
Indeed!
They embrace passionately, and as the scene closes we hear
their voices gradually fading after the visual.
clark
Is that a "yes"?
fade out
Lois (V O)
(Audio fading from here)
Indeed.
What sort of costume do you think we should wear.
Clark (V O)
I think chef's uniforms would be appropriate.
LOIS (V O)
Yes! And with an adorable toque.
Clark
Our armaments can be sharpened spatulas.
LOIS
And big knives.
CLARK
Our theme song 'Home on the Range."
As credits start rolling we hear Clark and Lois's voices
accompanied with guitar and/or harmonica.
MUSIC: "Home on the Range."
CLARK and LOIS (V O S)
Oh give me a stove
And a ham stuffed
with clove
A prosciutto
and cantaloupe tray
Where the wines
have bouquet
Trout sauced
veloute'
And spuds
pomme de terre au souffle'
Saumon, saumon fume'
At a cost we cannot defray
Caviar and fois gras pate'
At a price that's sure to dismay
Where seldom we serve
A disgusting hors d'oeuvre
And the salads are crispy all day
Home, home on the range
Where steaks grill
and mushrooms saute'
Home, home on the range
With the steer plus the lobster entree'
Where seldom we serve
A steak that's got nerve
And the wines are not cloudy,
No way!
THE END