Haemorroids from the Deep

inT. a SMALL FLYING SAUCER - DAY

From a dot in the void of space a saucer comes into view.  Two strange looking ET's, ALIEN 1 and ALIEN 2 speaking in a weird language with (SUB-TITLES) are at the controls. They are approaching the planet Earth seen rapidly growing larger as they approach. They sound and act much like a married couple on a trip down the turnpike.

alien 1

I hate to say it, but I'm in need of a pit stop.

alien 2

Damn it, we just stopped for lunch. Can't you hold your TIHS. We'll never get to the reunion in time to hear my Uncle Griv do his Mork imitation.

ALIEN 1

We'd better stop NOW, or we'll have to abandon ship when I finish. You're the one who insisted on renting a sport model saucer without a proper loo. My tummy is in chaos. That's why I hate eating at strange joints on strange asteroids.

CLOSE UP: Alien 1's abdomen with something inside it that can be seen moving around and poking against the skin.

ALIEN 2

O.K. we'll stop here, but I'm going over to the dark side. We don't want to have any kind of close encounter with any of the ugly things that live on this rock.

ALIEN 1

Yeah!, I know what you mean. They are weirdos. They build elaborate nests in which millions of the filthy things live. And they then spend their time and effort destroying each other and their nests. Sheesh! It's enough to gag a maggot.

cut to

ext. Convenience mart/filling station - night

The saucer lands and Alien 1 exits down the ramp and approaches the restrooms in cautious steps. (This is an imitation of the Immodium AD TV ad). She has a ray gun in her belt. She reaches the doors to the restrooms and can't decide whether to use the Men's or Women's room. She then looks into her pant's and shrugs her shoulders. She tries one door and it is locked.

We see a sign on the door:

  CUSTOMER USE ONLY - GET KEY FROM ATTENDANT

Alien 1 tries the other door which is also locked. she pulls out her ray gun, blasts the lock and enters. Some rumbling, strange noises  and shaking of the building occurs . She comes out looking relieved and returns to the saucer.

Aliens sitting at controls are blasting off.

alien 2

What was it like in there honey?

ALIEN 1

Sorta weird, they have a kind of bowl with water connected to it. The TIHS goes down below, probably to a central place, when you pull a lever.

As they blast off.

alien 1

They must consider TIHS valuable since they keep the place locked to prevent theft. Who'd want to steal TIHS. Yuck!

ALIEN 2

Did you see that contraption sitting outside the building?

INSERT: Automobile parked in front.

ALIEN 1

Yep. It must be some sort of primitive vehicle on wheels that runs on the surface. That's hilarious. It's been thousands of star orbits since we used anything so crude.

alien 2

Hit it! We're outta this dump! We'd better keep quiet about stopping here or they will want to disinfect us when we get home.

                      TITLE

ext. automobile - day

The lone driver is SUSAN MOORE, a Field Inspector for the Environmental Protection Agency

The lettering (EPA) is seen on the car door. She is a sharp efficient, cool-looking young woman, business dressed and a real brunette beauty. She is entering into a small city. Several roadside signs flash by and we focus on one of them. The sign features a population number that is a moving counter like an odometer. It is changing slowly to a higher number.

           WELCOME TO HOPE ETERNAL SPRINGS

                POPULATION 35,221

                  WATCH US GROW

                ACE HOLDEN, MAYOR

BACK TO AUTOMOBILE:

Susan continues to drive past a large factory with a billboard in front that has shrubbery behind it. The lower portion of the sign has changeable letters.

The billboard reads:

              WELCOME TO THE HOME OF

               EAU BOY SPRING WATER

                WE HOLD OUR WATER

           TO BE FROM PRISTINE SOURCES

AT THE BILLBOARD:

A boy CURTIS and a girl RONEE sneak out from behind it and begin furtively to steal letters which they use to spell their names on the ground. As they finish, we see the remaining copy letters as:

        WE HOLD OUR WATER TO BE FROM P IS S

CURTIS

Ronee, these are cool. They'll be great in our rooms.

ronee

I just hope my parents don't ask where I got them.

BACK TO AUTOMOBILE:

Susan drives into the CHARTREUSE ROOF MOTEL, she parks and enters the office. 

fade out

INt. Mayor's office - morning

Mayor ACE HOLDEN is chunky and gruff looking. He has ferocious eyebrows, ugly nose hair sticking out, and is always chewing on the sloppy end of a huge cigar. He wears glasses.

Obviously furious, he is waving a sheaf of papers in the face of MADGE EVANS, his Secretary.

holden

Goddammit Madge, I don't need this shit in an election year. Dozens of letters complaining about sewer backups. Get that wimp of a City Engineer, O'Rous in here now!

Madge fiddles nervously with her notepad. She is a pleasant looking divorcee in her 40's. She has long dishwater blond hair and often twirls an end of it in her fingers.

A SCAN OF THE WALLS:

We see photos of Holden's huge estate NO GODDAMN OAKS, a picture of the Eau Boy Spring Water Plant, and a newspaper article with the headline:

       HOLDEN NOW HOLDS 100% OF EAU BOY WATER

MADGE

Mr. Holden, we have had several calls from the director of the City Senior Citizen's Home.  He says they need money released quickly and are so far behind on bills that even the bakery is cutting them off.

HOLDEN

Fuckem! Let them eat Twinkies. Ha Ha Ha!

madge

(Cringing)

Also, that inspector from the EPA is due here this morning.

HOLDEN

I'll talk to him in as soon as I finish chewing out O'Rous' ass. I hope we can keep that inspector from saying anything bad about our water. It would be bad for business. I'll buzz you when to send him in.

Madge leaves Holden's office.

INT. madge's desk - day

Madge is typing furiously at her keyboard and talking between lines to her colleague JEAN LEVI at the next desk. She twists a hair strand.

madge

I told TIM O'ROUS to get his butt over here pronto and that Old Fart Face is on the warpath.

jean

Tim is such a MILD MANNERED guy. I don't know why he took the City Engineer job here where he has to put up with Holden's crap.

madge

(Twirling hair)

MILD MANNERED! He makes Clark Kent look like Superman.

jean

I think Holden hired him figuring he could keep him from finding out that Eau Boy bottles plain city water and doesn't even pay for it.

TIM O'Rous arrives out of breath and flustered. He has a crew cut, wears a white shirt and a pocket protector with pens in it, plus horn rimmed glasses and khaki pants. He stammers slightly when shouted at.

tim

(To Madge)

I got letters too, and the phone has been ringing off the hook.

To Madge over his shoulder as he goes into Holden's office.

tim

Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

black out

int. holden's office 

HOLDEN

(Shaking papers in Tim's face)

You're the city SCHEITMEISTER, what are you doing about this?

TIM

We're working on it!. We've tried flushing the lines and they clear for a short time and clog up again quickly. Like something retreating and returning.

holden

I don't care for details, just get the Goddamn problem solved, or I'll hire someone who can do the job.

TIM

Yyes Ssir, I'll keep you Pposted.

As Tim leaves, BEA HOLDEN, Holden's abused wife, enters. She is a brunette, poorly dressed and has a black eye plus other signs of a battered wife. The door closes. Madge and Jean listen at the door.

INT. MADGE'S DESK - DAY

bea

(O.S.)

But Ace, I can't go around wearing shoes like these. I got them from the Goodwill a year ago as you insisted.

holden

(O.S.)

They look fine to me. Get the hell out of here, I have more important things to do.

(SOUND) We hear several WHACKS and cries from Bea. Madge and Jean quickly return to their desks and Bea exits Holden's office to Madge's desk. She is nursing a cut lip.

madge

(While hugging Bea)

You poor thing.

We see Bea's shoes, extremely grungy, battered sneakers with a sole flapping, torn sides and patched with duct tape.

int. holden's office - shortly later

Tim and Holden have been joined by Susan. Holden is surprised to see a woman inspector and ogles her legs lecherously.

HOLDEN

Good morning, I am Ace Holden, Mayor of Hope Eternal Springs.

susan

I'm Field Inspector, Susan Moore of the EPA.

HOLDEN

This is Tim, our City Engineer, he will  show you the pictures of our facilities on the wall.

They walk to the wall and Tim explains the pictures of the Sewerage Treatment Plant, the Waterworks, and the Incinerator. They are Tim's responsibility, state of the art, and located as part of the complex that includes the City Hall.

susan

I will want to visit major industries, particularly the Eau Boy Plant.

Holden

Tim will show you around. How long will you be here in Hope Eternal Springs? I hope you will stay long enough to see the HOPE ETERNAL SPRINGS MARATHON next week.

susan

(Curtly)

I'll be here as long as it takes. And I have the authority to examine everything thoroughly.

HOLDEN

What'd you think of our welcome sign, it was my idea? It ties into a feed from the Office of Registrar of Births and Deaths and the City Directory.

susan

(Rolling her eyes at Tim)

It's different.

INSERT: The Billboard reading P IS S.

They leave Holden's office and stop at Madge's desk.

TIM

(To Madge)

I wish I could have that job with the authority to get things done properly, and with the public's interest in mind.

madge

You might not want it if you knew what you may have to go through to get it.

tim

Maybe you're right

int. a typical house - day

An older couple, HENRY and BERTHA are sitting watching TV. We see the show title on the TV:

           SURVIVOR -  DOWNTOWN CLEVELAND

Henry is an Army retiree. He wears a shirt that once held Top Sergeant stripes which show unfaded where they once were on his sleeves. He jumps up suddenly and yells as he runs toward the bathroom knocking over furniture and unbuckling his pants en route.

henry

Outta my way...Gotta go!

Bertha is seen picking up after the trail left by Henry.

Inside the bathroom Henry is struggling to remove his pants and we then see him sitting on the commode reading the Wall Street Journal. From around the toilet seat a number of ugly tentacles emerge. (MENACING MUSIC). They are wiggling around eerily. Some have tips that resemble vacuum cleaner tools. They suddenly wrap around his throat, chest, waist, legs and arms holding him tightly in place. There is a disgusting (SUCTION SOUND) which gradually increases and with a crescendo one tentacle emerges from a nostril and another from the corner of his mouth.

Henry obviously dies and his body rapidly becomes desiccated and a hideous grayish brown color as the (SOUND) changes to a loud SLURPING, like a straw sucking at the bottom of an emptying glass, as his insides are emptied.

Bertha continues to watch a noisy TV show and does not hear the noise. She puts the TV on mute.

bertha

Henry, are you OK in there. I'm coming in. you're awfully quiet.

Inside the bathroom we see the tentacles retract with one or two still showing as Bertha opens the door and reacts in horror, turning her face briefly. She then looks again and the tentacles are all gone.

bertha

(Screaming out of control)

My God! Henry, Henry. Henreee.

BACK TO LIVING ROOM

Bertha is frantically calling 911.

cut to

ext. city streets  - day

Emergency vehicles and police cars are traveling across town with sirens blaring and lights blinking. They come to a screeching halt at the house which has crime scene ribbons all around it. Police and Coroner's Office vehicles abound. Tim and Susan drive up shortly and enter the house.

int. the house - day

A police DETECTIVE is interviewing a distraught Bertha. The (MUSIC) that is heard is the theme from the old TV show Dragnet. He is making notes on a pad as he interviews the woman who talks between sobs.

detective

(As music gets louder)

Tell me what happened Maaam. Just the facts.

Bertha

Me and Henry was watching TV and he had to go to the bathroom. He has diverticulitis, Crohn's Disease, Haemorrhoids, and Irritated Bowel Syndrome. When he has to go you'd better get out of the way or get run down. He also has...

As he interrupts the organ recital:

detective

Just the facts, please Maam.

bertha

He was in there about 15 minutes and I went in to check on him. He was sitting there as you see him now.

She wipes her tears on her sleeve.

bertha

There was several testicles wrapped around his thigh and after I turned my face away and looked again, they was gone. They aren't there now. It's horrible.

detective

(With raised eyebrows)

Are you sure they were testicles, Maam.

BERTHA

I know testicles when I see them. It's like them things you see on octopussies.

DETECTIVE

I'm amazed you could  tell it was a male octopus from across the room. You must be a marine biologist?

He licks his pencil stub and murmurs as he writes each word and ends dramatically putting down a period.

DETECTIVE

Gad what eyesight. Disappearing octopussy testicles.

We move around the room and into the bathroom. Henry's body is still sitting erect on the commode, semi-clothed, but with his pants and shorts around his ankles. It is totally desiccated, brown with bones showing prominently through leathery skin. It resembles a mummy thousands of years old in every way except for modern clothing. CSI people are taking photos, dusting for fingerprints, and making measurements.

Tim and Susan approach and Tim checks out the plumbing after the body is removed by the Coroner's aides.

TIM

Nothing strange here. Let's get to the Coroner's Examination Room to get an idea as to the cause of death

SUSAN

Whatever it was would have been the envy of Rameses II and Tutankhamen.

TIM

He must have been in the Army, look at his sleeves.

susan

He probably qualifies for the Purple Heart. He was Killed in Action.

TIM

(Rubbing his chin pensively)

It's almost like something is alive in my sewers.

ext. eau boy plant - day

Tim and Susan arrive in Tim's pickup truck and enter the building into the reception area.

int. eau boy Laboratory

We follow them as they are escorted into the test facility where they are introduced to  DOKTOR HEINRICH WASSERMANN, Manager of the Eau Boy Plant. He is very Nazi looking, has a German accent, a prominent scar across the left eye and a nervous tic at the other eye.

wassermann

Velcome to Eau Boy. Ve are pleased to haf you see how ve bottle the purest of vasser.

susan

I've already checked the tap water and it is excellent. Tell me about your new energy drink product I heard about. What's it called?

WASSERMANN

I'm surprised you know uf it. But soon the whole vorld vill. Ve call it "POW" und it is vunderbar.

susan

What's so good about it?

WASSERMANN

It gifs high energy und is  aphrodisiac. It also corrects ED, you know the erectile dis-function ve hear so much of on TV. It's habit forming, but not addictive.

susan

Is it safe?

WASSERMANN

Uf course, ve haf been testing it for a year on animals. Some primates und many dogs. Ve haf been test marketing it locally and there are no serious side effects to humans.

susan

My God! You have been experimenting on the local population.

WASSERMANN

Not so Fraulein. POW! is all Natural. It is made with infusions uf the natural exotic plant Reliabis Erectus Vulgaris from deep in the Amazon yungle. It's as harmless as tea. It does not require FDA approval or clinical tests. There haf been no recorded bad side effects on humans. Ve haf just today compiled our test results summary which shows only a harmless spike in the birth rate locally.

INSERT: The population counter on the Eau Boy sign now spinning to show the population rapidly increasing.

BACK TO LAB

As he points to a large Periodic Chart of the Elements on the wall.

TIM

(Sarcastically)

By natural, I assume you mean nothing is in it that isn't on that chart.  Such as man made isotopes.

Wassermann leads Tim and Susan across the room to a table at which two workers are preparing to euthanize a dog. The dog is a hunting breed such as a setter or spaniel.

WASSERMANN

This is the last vun and ve are going to put him to sleep. As you can see, he is healthy and, strong. He has been given nothing to drink but POW for months. Ve are finished with him and are about to destroy him. His vork is ofer.

TIM

Couldn't you find him a home instead? He looks like such a fine animal.

WASSERMANN

Ve hav all had so many to take home, ve haf been up to our keisters in dogs. Ha. Ha. Excuse My French, Fraulein Moore.

TIM

Could I take him? I would love to have such a nice animal.

WASSERMANN

Uf course. There is his leash. He answers to the name REX. Also, here are six packs of Eau Boy and POW! for your enchoyment.

Tim and Susan pet Rex who really takes to them, licking Tim's hand and barking merrily. With Rex on the leash they leave the building. Rex pulls the leash from Susan's hand, runs across the parking area and jumps into the rear of Tim's pickup. His look says "Get me the hell outta here".

ext. tim's pickup truck

Once they are in the truck, a person raps on the window. It is JAY WHISTLER an Eau Boy Supervisor. He hands Susan a piece of paper.

whistler

(Whispering)

Call me at this number ASAP. I must get back inside.

susan

(Confiding to Tim)

Aha! He must be the whistle blower. We received an anonymous letter about strange residual sludge being dumped raw into the sewers. That's why I'm here.

int. coroner's examination room - day

We see a coroner's examination room with tables and tools of the trade. Also evident is an array of crude carpenter and plumbing tools mounted on a pegboard as if in someone's garage workshop. We see a chainsaw, Weed Whacker, electric drill. circular saw. rakes, shovels, hoes, sickles, hedge trimmer and a jackhammer.

Tim, Susan and the CORONER are across the room from the table that holds the body of the victim which is rigid in the sitting position. Across the room, there are TECHNICIANS working on the body. There is much activity and loud (SOUNDS) of construction tools like chain saws, drills, and a jackhammer to which Tim and Susan cringe.

coroner

It's strange, we have completed the entire external examination and there are no signs of perforation anywhere. Only abrasions around the waist, thighs, legs, neck, and arms. What we see when victims have been tied up. There are no bullet holes or cuts, only abrasions about the anus.

TIM

So that's what you call exit wounds.

CORONER

We'll have a look inside now if they can get through that tough, dried skin.

technician 1

I've never run across any skin this tough. Maybe we'll have to set up the sandbags and BLAST.

(SOUND) Jackhammer

technician 2

Got It! It's open now. The jackhammer did the trick. Let's have a look inside.

The three approach the table and peer into the  remains.

CORONER

(Gasping)

My God! It's completely hollow. He was totally eviscerated. How could this be possible without an incision of some kind. Most likely something liquified and extracted his innards and vital juices. Similar to how a spider digests its prey, but in this case inter-anally.

TIM

Either that, or it gives true meaning to the expression "He shit his guts out".

CORONER

The funeral will be inexpensive since embalming will not be required.

A technician approaches and hands a petri dish to the Coroner. It contains an eight inch piece of tubular tissue with what resembles a suction cup on the end. He holds it up with forceps.

TECHNICIAN 1

We found this in the mouth and can't identify it as anything human. It's tough as hell. He must have been in agony and with teeth like Jaws to bite that off.

susan

I'm a biochemist. Cut me a sample of that and I'll check it out in Tim's lab and give you a report to compare with your analysis.

The technician places the item on the table and tries to cut it with a scalpel. It is so tough he cannot do so. He then produces a hacksaw and (SOUND: HACKSAWING) cuts her a sample and gives it to her in a dish with a cover.

As Susan and Tim leave, they see, with much commotion, numerous gurneys being wheeled into the room by CSI people. Each gurney holds another desiccated victim in the sitting position similar to Henry. Some are dressed in women's clothing. All have their pants or pantyhose at their ankles.

TIM

Holey Moley, there are more. It looks like we have a serial killer loose.

INSERT: The population counter sign. Which slows, stops and reverses to show the loss of many citizens.

BACK TO SCENE:

susan

(With dish in her hand)

Yeah. And one who likes potties. Let's get back to your lab, Tim, and take a look at this thing.

int. tim's lab - night

Susan pulls out the paper given to her by Whistler. She flips open her cell phone and calls the number. Whistler answers and we hear his voice.

WHISTLER

(V.O.)

Whistler here, to whom am I speaking?

SUSAN

This is Susan Moore of the EPA calling as you requested.

WHISTLER

(V.O.)

I'm the one who sent the letter to the EPA. I have been concerned that Wassermann, to save money in waste disposal, has been dumping waste from the production of POW into the city sewer system. I don't think it is toxic to humans, but it isn't right.

Tim takes the phone from Susan and listens to Whistler.

tim

Tim O'Rous here.

WHISTLER

(V.O.)

Mr. O'Rous, I want you to know that they have been stealing city water with a hidden by-pass around the meter,

TIM

I've been investigating the discrepancy between the amount of water we process and the amount billed. Thanks for the heads up.

He hands the phone back to Susan.

WHISTLER

(V.O.)

Just recently, they dumped tons of waste into the system. Watch for any problems that may come up. I don't trust Wassermann. He tore his shirt recently and I noticed that he has a SWASTICA tattooed on his upper arm. He often can be seen surreptitiously reading a document he keeps in his desk drawer. He has an Argentina passport.

INSERT: Wassermann is seen removing a document from his desk drawer. He is reading it and wiping a tear he has shed.

CERTIFICATE  WITH SUB-TITLED TRANSLATION

We see a commendation for exceptional service to mankind through medical experimentation. (Signed Adolph Hitler)

BACK TO TIM'S LAB:

susan

Thanks. I have your number and if you get more information call me again.

She flips the phone off and puts the dish with the tentacle piece on the desk. Tim pours each of them a drink of both Eau Boy water and POW into four beakers which they sip at.

TIM

The Pow tastes good, and of course my water is great. It's late, We'd better go out for something to eat.

susan

We can take this up in the morning when we are fresh.

TIM

Add some water to that dish so the specimen doesn't dry out overnight.

Susan opens the dish and picks up the WRONG beaker and adds POW to the dish. Tom notices and takes the dish from her SHRUGS and puts it into the refrigerator near the desk. They leave.

cut to

int. restaurant - night

Tim and Susan are dining at THE DEPOT, a former train station converted into a restaurant. They are having boy/girl conversation and find that they have many mutual interests. They are warming up to each other. Susan is becoming less rigid in her relationship with Tim.

susan

Train stations, old warehouses, defunct breweries, old churches and so forth. I expect to see a chain of franchised eateries open in the pissoirs.

tim

(Laughing)

What do you do for fun, Susan?

susan

I sing with a local opera company in my home town of East Overshoe, Iowa. I have a minor in music, but my major was in Bio-Chemistry. What about you?

TIM

My degree is in Mid-Renaissance Bulgarian Bustle Stuffing.

susan

(Laughing)

Seriously, what do you do besides trying to do your job as City Engineer under difficult circumstances..

tim

I play bassoon with the local symphony, am scoutmaster of a troop, paint watercolors, and try to find, unsuccessfully until tonight, a beautiful woman to take to dinner at The Depot.

susan

(Laughing)

You have more B.S. in you than the  butcher's tomcat. Let's go, we have a lot of work to do tomorrow.

int. tim's lab - next morning

Tim opens the door and he and Susan enter to find the refrigerator bouncing around jerkily and hear a loud ugly sucking (SOUND). There are several tentacles partly showing out of the door seal. They are obviously like the sample, and are now part of a new sewer monster fully grown from the cutting soaked in POW.

Tim grabs a Bunsen burner on the lab table and ignites it. He focuses the flame on the tentacles and the monster retreats into the refrigerator with a high pitched (SOUND) SCREECH. He finds a roll of duct tape, tapes the door latch shut, puts tape around the door seal, and tapes the door shut as best he can. He picks up the phone and dials the office at the incinerator which is part of the city complex.

TIM

Is this Bill at the incinerator? (Pause)

I don't have time to explain, this is a major emergency. Get over here Now. Repeat Now! With a fork lift. We have to move a refrigerator.

Bill arrives through the service door and Tim directs him to the fridge. They pick it up with the lift truck. Strange noises can be heard from inside the refrigerator.

 tim

I'll explain later. Let's get to the incinerator.

Tim jumps onto the truck with Bill and they depart.

int. at the incinerator

They shove the whole refrigerator into the roaring furnace and we hear (SOUND) a loud SCREECHING which quickly ends.

TIM

We now know what we're up against, but we have another big  problem.

BACK TO TIM'S LAB

TIM

(To Susan)

Thank God we got rid of that thing.

He slaps his forehead.

TIM

Damn! We lost our sample. We now have nothing to work with to find out how to kill the damn thing, whatever you want to call it.

susan

Well. Based on its M.O. I'd call it the Haemorrhoid... That's quite a mouthful. 

tim

More like a buttfull.

suSAN

Lets just call it a Haemorroid with one "H" and and two "R"s  or Roid for short.

tim

Lets go over to Holden's office so we can get him to issue a public warning to  stay off the toilets until we can kill it.

int. holden's office

Tim and Susan sail past Madge's desk and into Holden's office. Holden is hanging up the phone as they enter.

HOLDEN

I just  heard from Bill what happened. What are you planning to do.

TIM

We will have to get a new sample of the Roid's tentacles so we can reproduce Roids and find out what will kill it. We can't dig up the entire sewer system to destroy it physically. That would make the city uninhabitable.

HOLDEN

(Sarcastically)

We also can't wait for you to do pissy-ass experiments. We need action NOW!. We'll handle this MY WAY.

MUSIC: Song "My Way".

TIM

Don't do anything to cut it up. The cuttings will make thousands of new monsters.

HOLDEN

That bullshit belongs in bad movies. I'll get results now. And I forbid issuing publicity on this.  It would be bad for the economy.

INSERT: CLOSE UP of newspaper article on the WALL

TIM

People will die if we hold off warning them.

HOLDEN

The economy will die if word gets out. I've told my friends, the owners of the media, not to expose this. Now get out of my face.

int.  eau boy plant

Wassermann and a WORKER are at a large vat of lees from the extraction of POW additive.

worker

Dr. Wassermann, how do you want me to dispose of this waste.

WASSERMANN

Just as we haf done in the past. Dump it into the sewer. It costs too much to send it to a disposal company.

worker

Are you sure you want to do that while we have that EPA woman in town.

wassermann

Screw her. Chust do it. No one vill know the difference.

ext . street at a manhole - day

Holden is supervising the activities. We see a HUGE ten foot high RotoRooter type machine with a thick cable in the manhole. It is labeled ROID-O-ROUTER and is rotating rapidly. Tim and Susan arrive with Rex along.

HOLDEN

We have these at critical points in the system.

tim

My God Holden, we're in for it. That damn machine will make cuttings that can produce thousands of them.

HOLDEN

Get your ass out of my way. Go back to your fucking test tubes.

Rex comes up to Holden, pees on his leg and Holden kicks at him unsuccessfully and wipes his leg with his handkerchief.

HOLDEN

I'll get your ass too, mutt.

int. madge's desk - day

madge

Jean, Holden is furious at O'Rous for not wanting to keep this Roid problem a secret, even if it cost's lives.

jean

All Holden cares about is his precious Eau Boy Company. Hopefully  Tim will find some guts and balls.

MADGE

He could start by getting rid of that pocket protector. I call it his "Pocket Condom".

jean

It's the only kind he will need if it is up to me. Ha! Ha!

madge

Actually, he does seem to be more gutsy than I thought.

Jean

By the way, how're things  on the home front?

Madge

I'm worried. My daughter graduates from high school this year and it's going to be tough figuring how to afford college with my pay here.

Jean

Can your Ex do his part?

Madge

He would if he could, but he doesn't have a part to pitch in.

jean

Or, I presume a window to throw it out of.

int. control room at the sewerage plant

Tim and Susan are standing before a large electronic map of the sewer system. Phones are ringing in the background. It shows lines which are clogged up as red with X's at blockage points. The lines are starting to go from red to blue as X's disappear slowly at first, then rapidly showing the blockages are quickly clearing. It appears that Holden was right and the Roids are done for.

TIM

(Stuttering)

I'm gglad it seems to be working. I'm also screwed! Holden will have my hhead. I'd better update my rresume.

The board finally shows all clear of blockages , a (SOUND) Buzzer is heard and the phones stop ringing. As they bemoan Tim's fate, we see a few X's begin again to appear showing blockages.

TIM

(Pointing at board)

Damn it! They're coming back.

Slowly at first, but continuing at an accelerating rate the Roids occupy more and more of the system until it is completely clogged. The phones start ringing again.

susan

Unfortunately Tim, you were right all along. This can wipe out the city, and even the nation if they get into other sewer systems. I wonder how they invaded this one.

INSERT: FLASHBACK of alien leaving restroom

BACK TO SCENE

While they are talking, Susan is seen working at a lab desk with chemical apparatus.

TIM

To hell with Holden, we will have to warn the public. Also Susan, run a test on the tap water to be sure the Roids haven't invaded the water system.

 susan

That's what I have been doing, We now have another really big problem. The monsters have apparently bridged into the water supply mains. They are apparently pumping a weird colorless and odorless extremely powerful laxative into the water as a way to increase their supply of prey on the commodes.

TIM

How fiendishly clever to mutate and produce Roid-LAX so easily. You would think their leaders had MBAs in Marketing from Harvard Business  School.

Tim picks up the phone and dials a number.

TIM

(To Susan)

I'm calling the media for a press conference. To hell with Holden. It's more important to save lives than my worrying about my job.

susan

You are doing a brave thing. Tim.

ext. automobile - day

Tim, Susan and Rex are en route to Tim's lab and traveling around town on the way to look things over.

As they go, we see that the city is in chaos with people trying to get out of town in every possible conveyance. There are emergency vehicles, automobiles, trucks, motorcycles,wheelchairs, bicycles, horses, mules, donkeys, and other unusual forms of transportation.

There are people pushing carts and wheelbarrows full of household goods. (like war refugees), a chariot with four horses and a driver resembling Ben Hur, unicycles, and even a couple of people on pogo sticks. An appalling death rate is obvious since as they drive around town, we see funeral parlors with signs:

               NO OPENINGS WAIT LIST ONLY

A WALGREENS has a sign in front:

                    OUT OF IMMODIUM AD

                    OUT OF KAOPECTATE

              WILL HAVE PEPTO-BISMOL TOMORROW

A man emerges from the store and adds another sign.

                    OUT OF DEPENDS

We see long lines of hearses waiting to get into the cemetery and many funeral parties can be seen at grave sites.

A SOUND TRUCK is making continuous announcements:

SOUND TRUCK

Attention all residents! Because of the invasion of deadly Haemorroids in the sewer and water systems, under no circumstances use the  toilets in your home or in public restrooms. Use the portable "POTTY BOUND" facilities provided throughout the city by your City Engineering Department.

Do not drink tap water, only bottled water but Not! Repeat Not! Eau Boy.

A RED CROSS vehicle is giving out Immodium AD to lines of people, many of whom are obviously fighting to keep something in.

INSERT: The roadside sign

The counter is rapidly spinning backwards.

BACK TO AUTOMOBILE

TIM

They are leaving town in droves since my press conference.

SUSAN

Any by any means possible.

fade out

ext. the city sports area - day

There is a long row of outdoor portable "POTTY BOUND" outhouses along the parking area next to the ball field. In front of each one is a long line of people waiting their turn. Many are impatiently dancing as though "holding something back". The lines at the women's potties are three times longer than the men's lines.

Frequently someone who can wait no longer breaks ranks and dashes around behind the dugout obviously onto the ball field.

Two MEN in line are talking and one of them leaves the line in desperation and dashes around behind the dugout. He returns looking relieved.

man 1

Whew, I barely made it. By-the way, I'm sure we've met before. Do  you play in the city softball league?

man 2

Yeah. Have for years. I'm with the East Side Wombats.

man 1 

I thought we'd met, I play first base with the Lakeshore Centipedes.

MAN 2

How did you handle the situation?

MAN 1

I made like a cat, dug a shallow hole in the soft dirt on a baseline and covered it up.(PAUSE)

Remember. Next season Don't Slide Into Home Plate! And if you play outfield trod carefully, it's like a minefield out there.

blackout

ext./int. The chartreuse roof inn - night

A BUSINESS MAN, so dressed, drives up to the motel office to check in. He registers and is given a plastic card key.

business man

(To CLERK)

Is there a place to eat nearby?

clerk

Only place open now is Luigi's down the road a few miles. They close shortly, so you's better hurry.

BUSINESS MAN

Thanks, I'll leave directly and get into the room after I eat. Man, I'm thirsty.

He makes the BIG MISTAKE of taking a long drink from the drinking fountain in the lobby and leaves.

EXT. AUTOMOBILE - night

The business man has left the restaurant, gets into his car and heads for the motel. He is suddenly hit by intestinal agony and starts desperately looking for a filling station or other place to use a bathroom. He can not find any place open and decides to keep going to try to make it to his room.

He drives up and has to park a few doors away. He bails out of the car not even closing the door and is trying to loosen his belt and pants en route.

AT THE ROOM DOOR

He fumbles and drops the plastic key, retrieves it and puts it into the slot. But he has a key that does not work in the door despite repeated furious attempts.

He is now frantic and has to go up and down curbs to get to the OFFICE. He jumps a curb, the pressure is too great and he loses his battle with dysentery. We see on his face the horror of his having had a fecal hemorrhage into his business suit.

We follow him leaving a trail from his pants legs and some footprints . He slowly waddles back to his car, reaches in and grabs his trench coat which he takes with him. Past the last room on the right he goes into the service area behind the building where there is a dumpster with foliage behind it.

ext. dumpster - night

He enters the bushes and we see items of his clothing flying piece by piece into the dumpster. Several items of female garments and a chastity belt are seen. He emerges barefooted and wearing the trench coat then heads to the office to get the right key.  When he sticks his head into the door there are several people in line waiting for the CLERK to check them in.

int. motel office

As he sticks only his head through the door

BUSINESS MAN

You gave me the wrong key to 121. Bring me the right one here.

clerk

You'll have to come in and wait in line, there are other people ahead of you.

He enters and gets in line. The others in line begin fanning their faces and turning away for air. He finally gets a proper key and leaves for his room.

As he goes, a police car on routine patrol drives by and screeches to a stop. Both OFFICERS get out with guns drawn to arrest an obvious weirdo flasher.

officer 1

Freeze!

He holds up his hands facing the cops.

BUSINESS MAN

Officer, it's OK. It's just that I had an accident. As you can see.

He opens his trench coat.

officer 1

An accident! It looks like an eruption of Vesuvius. Or more likely Vesuvi-Ass!

Geez JAKE, we got a real case here. A chocolate coated weirdo flasher. How do we write this one up?

jake

I dunno, but we're not going to run him in. Not in our car.

BUSINESS MAN

Come over to my car and I'll show you my credentials, and if you look in that dumpster, you'll see my clothes. I don't know what caused it, but all I had was a hamburger and a glass of water.

jake

I had a drink of water too, but it hasn't caused me any problem (Pause) Yet.

Jake suddenly grabs his gut and moans.

jake

Let's get the hell out of here to the nearest head.

BUSINESS MAN

You can use the bathroom in my room. I know exactly how you feel. Been there, done that!

Pointing to the Business Man's legs.

JAKE

Thank God I haven't done that. Yet!

Jake roughly grabs the key from the Business Man and tries several times unsuccessfully to get the key to open the door while squirming nervously. It finally opens the door and he dashes in.

(SOUND) We hear a loud sigh of relief.

ext. farmhouse outside hope eternal springs day

In the distance we see the Hope Eternal Springs water tower from a typical, but rundown farmhouse. We scan the house and enter through the kitchen door in back.

int. kitchen of farmhouse

There are two young women. MARY is fully dressed in a wedding gown and is sitting at the table. She is assisted by ELLEN her Maid of Honor who is straightening her veil.

ellen

Wow! I can't wait to see the faces of all those debutantes who had Harvey Winebucks in their cross-hairs. His mother, Sara Lee, is having a cow, but he had the guts to do his own thing. And he's the sole heir to one of the biggest wineries in the world since his father Merlot Winebucks died. How did his father become so successful?

MARY

Merlot Vinfranc, as he was then known, owned a small winery in Bordeaux. When the Nazis took it over, his Grand Crud became Hitler's favorite. His ordinaires, however bordered on toxic, and were selected by Eichmann as the house wine at Auschwitz. Merlot escaping to America, Anglicized his name to Winebucks and built the huge company that Harvey now owns.

ellen

Wow!

mary

Harv is such a dear. It was so sweet of him when he proposed kneeling down on his good knee; "pledging his trough" to me and asking me to pledge my "trough" to him. I have no idea what he wants with my trough, but I took one from the pig pen to present to him at the ceremony. Them hogs will have to get by with three.

We see a battered hog trough sitting on the floor.

ellen

It would go over big on the Antiques Roadshow  It has tooth marks on the edge and a lovely patina.

That mother of his makes a wolverine look like a pussy cat.

mary

(Handing Ellen a card)

I have this safety net.

Ellen

(Reading the card)

It's a gift certificate from your mafia friend and Godfather Don Scorpio. It says it's redeemable for a  whack on Sara Lee if things get too unbearable in the future.

We see several empty cases of Eau Boy water on the floor.

ellen

I hope you haven't been drinking that stuff. The TV says it causes serious gastric disturbances. 

Mary

I mainly had to use it to bathe this morning  since the well went dry yesterday. I did however drink the last bottle of it a while ago.

Mary grasps her stomach and moans.

ellen

Omigod!

Mary is seen flying out the door and down the path to the outhouse. As she arrives she runs into the hired hand ZEKE who is just leaving the one-holer. Zeke is a moronic, unkempt looking man with bad teeth, and long nose hair. he corners Mary and keeps trying to kiss her and grope her.

zeke

Gimme a little goodbye kiss Mary. Look I even braided my nose hairs for your wedding party.

We see his long nose hairs neatly braided with little bow ribbons. Zeke makes a grab for Mary and she musters all her strength and gives him a knee to the groin. He collapses but the lost time and the stress is too much for Mary who loses all control and we see on her face that the result is disastrous.

Zeke recovers and approaches Mary again, but being downwind, stops short and departs fanning himself and gasping. Mary immediately takes off and we follow her down the lane to the creek that runs through the farm. She mounts a tire hanging on a rope from a tree, swings out over the center of the creek and bails out. We see her thrashing about in the water. 

Close downstream is an EPA man HARRY TESTES taking and testing water samples. His face shows shock at the results he is getting and he traces upstream for the source of pollution where he finds Mary standing dripping on the bank. He takes out a pad and pen and starts writing.

EPA MAN

My name is Harry Testes with the EPA. I am giving you this citation for introducing untreated sewage into this pristine creek. I will have to alert Cairo, St. Louis, Cape Girardeau, Memphis, Vicksburg and New Orleans to post boil water advisories. I expect you will also have caused a significant increase in the dead zone in the Gulf of Mexico as well. 

back to the Kitchen

Mary is recovering her wits.

mary

(To Ellen)

Can't take a bath, no water, and can't do laundry. I'll do the best I can with a box of Kleenex. Follow me!

She runs into her bedroom and tears down the white organdy curtains, digs her white bikini swim suit from the dresser and goes to the kitchen table. She digs out scissors, a roll of duct tape and stapler.

MARY,

If it was good enough for Scarlet O'Hara, it's good enough for me. We have to hurry tho since my Uncle EZRA will be here momentarily to take us to the church. He's to lead me down the aisle.

ellen

It's nice you have him since your parents died during the outbreak of Bubonic Plague here a few years ago.

Uncle EZRA enters and we we see him admiring Mary's new makeshift dress.

ezra

You look gorgeous Mary. the Nike Swoosh on your running shoes keys beautifully on the cockroach tattoo on your left buttock.

With a flick of her index finger, she dispatches the roach and makes shooing motions around her face. She then swats a fly on her Nike Swoosh.

MARY

That's no tattoo, Uncle Ez, the damn things are taking over the joint. They seem to find me particularly attractive today, as do the house flies. We're outa here. Sara Lee can't be any worse than this dump.

Mary picks up the "trough" which she pledged to Harvey and Ellen has gift wrapped  and they all get into Uncle Ez's car. As they depart he immediately uses the controls to open all the windows. Mary's cell phone rings and, excusing herself, she answers it.

mary

Yes, this is Mary. Yes...Yes...Yes...Oh Nooo!

MaRY (CONT'D

(to the group)

I have a problem.

cut to

ext. parking area of a home depot store - day

Around the perimeter we see an array of outhouses. Several models can be seen representing the line from plain to deluxe with prices ranging from $1,799 to $15,999. A slick SALESMAN is making a pitch to a man and woman with two unruly kids who keep climbing into the outhouses and sitting on the seats. The mother chases them out repeatedly.

salesman

As you can see, we offer a wide selection of models to fit the needs of every household and at low prices to fit into every budget. Our prices include delivery and set-up on your site. However, you have to contract for the excavation. We can give you a list of reliable contractors.

By the way, where do you live?

MAN

We live in the Mega Manor Subdivision.

salesman

In an upscale neighborhood like that, you would want the top of the line model. The cheaper models will not increase your property value like this baby will.

He pats the door frame of the deluxe model.

SALESMAN

You can choose a style to match your house. This one happens to be the New England model, but there are French Provincial, Modern, and many others.

He again lovingly pats the door frame.

woman

What choices do we have for the interior decor.

SALESMAN

The interior is beautifully finished in Italian tile. You can choose from many colors and motifs. Even more important is the built in bidet for milady's feminine hygiene, and for the post-fecal, peri-anal sanitation of the entire family.

CHILD

(O.S. from inside the unit)

Hey Dad! There's a HDTV in here.

SALESMAN

Yes indeed. And also an electric paper dispenser, a color corrected reading lamp, a magazine rack, and a padded and warmed seat.

The climate controlled air conditioning and heating system features a patented positive pressure so that closing the door creates a slight internal back pressure. This expels all odors down and out through the exhaust stack where they are wafted away on the prevailing Westerlies.

There is a special dispenser for air fresheners built in. You have your choice of many aromas. I prefer the Springtime Natural Woodsy, but many of the ladies are using their Chanel #5.

The only problem that may arise is that of having your envious neighbors surreptitiously climbing over your back fence to use your facilities. We recommend putting a course of razor wire on the top of the fence if you object to this practice.

However, we do offer (at extra cost) a coin operated door. In this way you can have the unit pay for itself from the neighborly incursions. Of course each of your family members will have his of her own swipe card on a chain around the neck for unhindered access.

MAN

By the way, what financing plan do you have?

SALESMAN

We offer a no interest three year plan. It costs only $600 per month after your $1,000 Manufacturer's Rebate. Or you may prefer to charge it on a major credit card and pay $25.00 a month at 35% interest for the rest of your natural life and that of your heirs.

We can put you into this beauty in three days. Will that be soon enough?

MAN

That sounds fine.

SALESMAN

Great, Let's step inside and set you up with this great investment.

int. holden's office - day

Holden has summoned Wassermann to his office and is out of control in an insane rage against Tim for alerting the public.

HOLDEN

How much inventory do we have to dispose of?

WASSERMANN

Two varehouses are full of both Eau Boy and POW. Millions of dollars vorth.

HOLDEN

We could be ruined. Ship it all to other markets where they don't know about our Roid problem. That little bastard O'Rous. I'll wring his Goddamn neck, or worse.

Holden opens his desk drawer and we see a revolver.

int. Wassermanns office - meanwhile

Whistler is seen rummaging around to see what he can learn about Wassermann. He has rings of keys with which he is trying to open the desk drawer from which he has witnessed Wassermann removing what we know to be the Hitler Commendation. He finally uses a pick to open the drawer and right on top is the citation. He walks across the room to the copy machine and makes copies of the document. He puts the original back, locks the drawer, picks up the phone and dials.

ext. sewerage treatment plant - day

Several citizens drive up and park at the entrance to the plant. We follow them as they leave the car and walk into the reception area.

On the grass are signs:

      WELCOME TO HOPE ETERNAL SPRINGS

        SEWERAGE TREATMENT FACILITY

       FREE PLANT TOURS DAILY 2:00 PM

         YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

INSERT: Shot of Treatment Tank

CLOSE UP: The tank rotor and "sludge"

BACK TO SCENE:

They pass another sign with a shelf holding a supply of free plastic bags.

           PICK UP AFTER YOUR DOG

INt. treatment plant reception area. - day

We follow them into the Reception Room where a group of tour participants is seated and being briefed by a young woman TOUR GUIDE.

tour guide

Welcome Folks! For your safety and enjoyment of your tour, please stay together. You can always locate me by the balloon I have on this stick.

She holds up the stick and balloon.

For those of you who may have weakened immune systems or respiratory problems, we strongly recommend you rent one of the lung protection units you see to your right for only $5.00

CLOSE UP: We see on the wall to the right an array of gas masks.

BACK TO TOUR GUIDE

tour guide

I am sure you will find your tour interesting and educational. Upon return, you will be given a free kit as a souvenir of your visit with us. We also invite you to visit our GIFT SHOP, profits from which are donated to the General Asphyxiation Prevention Society. Commonly called GASPS. Please follow me.

The group exits into the plant and clusters around the Tour Guide. We see many fanning their faces and some who have watering eyes. Several children are feigning choking and grasping their throats.

An older woman is wearing a fancy hat decorated with fake flowers. The fake flowers wilt and fall over "dead".

A man is wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt with flowers on it. As we watch all the decorations on his shirt bleach into white.

A pretty black girl's curly hair becomes straight, turns blond, and stands on end.

The skin of a black person in the group turns white. That of a white man turns black.

The balloon on the Tour Guide's stick deflates and droops. 

Int. tim's lab - day

Tim and Susan are collecting various chemicals for use when they get Roids to work with. Susan's cell phone rings and she answers it.

WHISTLER

(V.O.)

Ms. Moore, Whistler here. I have information that Tim will find interesting. Put him on the phone please.

Susan hands the phone to Tim.

TIM

Tim here, What's up?

whistler

(V.O.)

I have evidence that Wassermann is a former Nazi who was an aide to Josef Mengele. As such he performed cruel medical experiments on holocaust victims. I'll show it to you this evening at your motel.

TIM

Susan is at the Chartreuse Roof. See you there at ten.

int. susan's room - night

Whistler is talking with Tim and Susan.

WHISTLER

Eau Boy was a nice place to work when Bea's family owned it. After her folks died and she married Holden, things got bad, particularly after he brought Wassermann in. I became suspicious when Wassermann accidentally exposed a SWASITKA tattoo with the words "HEIL HITLER" beneath it. I found this in his desk drawer.

He produces the document which Tim reads.

TIM

I can read German. (Pause) Wow. Give me this copy, I'll handle it. I'm sure the Israelis will be interested in this. I'll contact them tomorrow first thing.

As Whistler leaves.

TIM

Turn on the TV and let's look at the news. There may be something  of importance that we haven't heard about.

Susan turns on the TV and we see the beginning of an "Infomercial" on the TV.

A slick looking pitch man is selling the services of a funeral parlor. As we watch the TV.

pitchman

If you too have suffered the loss of a loved one to the deadly Haemorroids, you will want to take advantage of this fabulous offer from the folks at Plantem and Mourne Funeral Directors.

INSERT: A shot of a funeral parlor building, (FUNEREAL MUSIC)

pitchman

Only because of the savings realized by their not requiring embalming, we are able to make this limited time offer. You are aware of the great popularity of Egyptology on television. We are now able to offer this custom made designer mummy case in which your loved one can spend eternity in the same luxury as the great Pharaohs Remeses II, Tutankamen, Nefertiti, and others. Note the window provided in which to place a recent, Pre-Roid  photo of your loved one.

INSERT: CLOSE UP of mummy case showing it's right angle to accommodate sitting position victims.

PITCHMAN

Note the beautiful Egyptian motif. The low price of only $1,799. includes FREE linen ceremonial wrappings. The already hollow body cavity will be stuffed with NATRON. The same NATRON used by the ancients in their burial rites.

This will even further extend the preservation provided by the ROIDS so that the mummy case can, if you wish, be safely displayed in your basement rec-room, attic or family room. The retail value of this mummy case is over $5,000. This of course can  also save $5,000 cost of a typical burial plot.

We will also add ABSOLUTELY FREE these four Canopic jars like those that are holding the internal organs of numerous Pharaohs through eternity.

INSERT: Shot of four Mason jars.

PITCHMAN

There will of course be no contents, courtesy of the Roids. However, they make excellent vases for floral arrangements at the home cryhpt where you place the mummy case. You will already have on hand the various personal items and food to leave for your loved one's consumption in the after-world.

BUT WAIT!! Call within the next ten minutes with your major credit card and we will add ABSOLUTELY FREE this beautiful replica of King Tut's burial mask.

INSERT: CLOSE UP of Tut's mask.

PITCHMAN

This beautiful mask (a $2,000. value) is not available in stores. It is heavily clad with TWO Full Microns of 99.99% PURE GOLD which as you know is over $1,700. per ounce.

INSERT: CHART showing gold prices climbing.

pitchman

Operators are standing by. The first ten callers will receive a chance to win a free interment in this new age mausoleum now under construction.

insert: Artist rendition of glass pyramid.

PITCHMAN

BUT WAIT AGAIN!! Call within the next two minutes and we will DOUBLE the offer. There you are.

We see a listing of items offered, one at a time, with prices and VOICE OVER:

2 MUMMY CASES    $10,000

No BURIAL PLOT    $5,000

8 CANOPIC JARS    $2,400

2 TUT MASKS       $8,000

                A VALUE OF $25,000, 

             FOR NOT $10,000, NOT $5,000

        NOT EVEN $3,000, BUT FOR ONLY $1,799.

CALL NOW! 1-800-MYMUMMY

NARRATOR: (V.O.) Repeating phone number numerous times.

As he turns off the TV.

TIM

It didn't take long for the vultures to circle like lawyers above the Katrina Oil Spill.

SUSAN

That's right up there with that line of designer outhouses they're pushing.

ext. the city square at start line of marathon - day

We see a television crew. The TV Reporter LUCY BOWLES is holding a mic and speaking before the camera.

bowles

This is Lucy Bowles, your sportscaster for POX SPORTS.

We see the POX SPORTS logo on her mic and in the screen corner, a face with sores.

bowles

Today we are bringing you LIVE the annual running of the famous Hope Eternal Springs Marathon Classic.

As you can see, there are a large number of entrants from all over the world. They will be       challenging the winner of the last three runs, the Native American Chief Antelope Fleetfoot.

MUSIC: War drums: We see Fleetfoot wearing war paint. He has Mercury's wings on his shoes.

There are a variety of types: A man 7 feet tall next to a midget, several small children, and an obese man HENRI AVOIRDUPOIS, an entry from France. Bowles corners him with the mic.

BOWLES

Monsieur Avoirdupois, how do you feel about your chances against Fleetfoot?

henri

Bon jour, mes amis Americain.

I have been working out all year preparing for zis event and with ze help of Zhenny Craig, have lost 45 Kilos. I am now down to my racing weight and will give it my best shot. Merci Beaucoup.

He is jogging in place and goes to a traffic light pole and stretches. The pole snaps off at its base from his heft.

BOWLES

Here we go. Mayor Ace Holden is about to fire the starting gun.

(SOUND GUNSHOT). The weather vane rooster atop a nearby gazego falls backwards with the (SOUND) of a shooting gallery  followed by a ricochet  and a pigeon drops from the sky at her feet.

BOWLES

The real challenge of this race will be the heat. It is over 90 degrees today. The Eau Boy Company has graciously provided free water all along the route to keep the competitors hydrated.

Then too there is the terrible effort required to master the infamous Ballbuster Hill, the last half mile before the finish line.

We will report again at the finish line. And now, back to our regular program now in progress.

The exciting reality show  PICKERS, depicting the exciting lives and loves of Cajuns who separate mouse droppings from rice in Louisiana mills.

ext. Along the marathon route - day

Numerous runners are being handed bottles of Eau Boy mineral water which they gulp down as they run.

Further along numerous runners are peeling off into a filling station, running for the men's room where they have to stand in line. One MAN in front of the line pounds on the door.

MAN

Hurry up in there. There's a crowd out here.

We see runners along the route leaving in droves for the bushes alongside the road.

ext. at the finish line - at dusk

A large clock shows elapsed time for the race. It shows we are 11 hours, 38.22 minutes into the run. The seconds on the clock are ticking. Two race JUDGES are talking.

judge 1

Slowest Marathon I've ever seen. I wonder what's keeping them.

Judge 2

Maybe nobody will finish, that will be a first. It's getting dark. BUT WAIT! I see the winner coming over the crest of Ballbuster Hill.

Henri Avoirdupois is seen waddling to and past the finish line and breaking the tape. A great cheer greets him. Lucy Bowles corrals him.

BOWLES

Congratulations Henri! To what do you credit your win?

As they provide three folding chairs for him to sit on, the interview continues. A torrent of sweat puddles beneath him.

henri

(Gasping for breath)

I would like to thank my sponsor Perrier for providing many liters of their pure water en route.

By the way, 11 hours 42:23 minutes while not a record for the run is my personal best time for this distance.

Zat Ballbuster Hill lives up to its name. It added over two hours to my time, I had to climb it one step at ze time.

BOWLES

Thank you Henri, and again congratulations on a great effort.

JUDGE 1

(To Judge 2)

Well, we have a winner, I guess we better call it a day. I don't think we will have any other finishers after dark. Let's crown the winner and go somewhere for an imported beer.

judge 2

Yeah. Don't drink the water.

judge 1

I place the Bay Leaf Crown on you Henri Avoirdupois, Winner of the Hope Eternal Springs 25th Marathon Classic. (CHEERS)

As they put the crown on Henri, the additional weight of the crown causes the chairs to crush under his weight.

int. tim's lab - day

Tim and Susan are at a lab table talking.

SUSAN

Tim, we are stymied. We lost the only cutting we had of the Roid tentacle when we incinerated the fridge. I checked the Coroner's office and they too destroyed their sample.

There is nothing for us to work with. There must be some way we can get cuttings. It would be very dangerous to try to get them from a LIVE Roid.

TIM

We have to get them but I don't know if we can risk the danger of confronting a Roid. Without the tests, we are doomed if unable to find out what will kill them.(PAUSE)

Wait, I have a plan.

MUSIC: Chord           TA DA

TIM

We have to decide. I wonder if we can afford to take the risk, though.

ext. typical neighborhood row of houses - day

Tim, Susan and Rex arrive and they all walk down the sidewalk. Tim is carrying a large equipment bag.

TIM

We have to find a location where the Roids are lurking. One is in this general area we know from where it shows blockages on the system map. Let's see if Rex can locate one for us.

Tim holds and pets Rex.

TIM

(To Rex)

Go get em Boy!

Rex runs up and down the street sniffing around in front of various houses. He finally sniffs along a line leading to a house that has been abandoned with the door open. We follow Rex into the bathroom where he suddenly freezes and goes on point at the toilet.

TIM

Aha! Rex can sense the presence of Roids because he had so much of the additive in POW he can point them. He will be a valuable weapon in the Roid Wars.

SUSAN

Now we know where to get to a Roid, but how are we going to attract it.

TIM

No problem, I'm going to sit on the commode to attract it. Apparently it can sense by your weight on the plumbing that a victim has assumed the position.

SUSAN

No! Tim, that is too dangerous, it can kill you.

TIM

I know, but I have devised protection. Turn your back while I change.

We see Tim undressing and he puts on an adult diaper.

SUSAN

That'll be of little use, Tim.

TIM

It's Kevlar, and this goes on top.

He holds up a pair of chain mail trousers with loud suspenders.

TIM

These are welded shut.

SUSAN

Great rear guard protection.

Tim reaches into the bag and produces a huge bolt cutter which he hands to her and sits on the commode.

TIM

You can use this to make cuttings and free me when it grabs me.

Tim sits a while and it appears they are not going to get results. Then Rex who is still on point barks and "flushes" toward the commode.

TIM

I believe we have a Roid.

The Roid tentacles start to emerge and wrap around Tim's legs and waist. Susan cuts off the tentacles that try to get around his throat. We hear horrible screeches from the Roid, but it does not give up. It causes Susan to drop the bolt cutter and picks it up with a tentacle. Tim works an arm free and struggles with the Roid for possession of the tool. He almost loses the tug-of-war, but finally gets the tool and hands it to Susan who clips all the tentacles holding Tim down.

The screeching Roid retracts down the toilet into to the sewer. Tim and Susan praise and pet Rex for a job well done and put the clippings into a sealed metal container then leave for Tim's office.

int. tim's office

Tim is on the phone, he has called Wassermann

TIM

May I speak to Mr. Wassermann?

wassermann

(V.O.)

This is Doktor Vassermann.

TIM

This is Tim O'Rous, City Engineer. I will be there shortly. I want to talk with you about millions of dollars worth of city water we have positively determined has been used by your company. I will be there in a few minutes.

Tim installs a hidden camera disguised as a pen in his shirt pocket protector.

int. wassermann's office - day

Tim arrives accompanied by an investigator and assistants from the District Attorney's Office. Whistler is also present.

The DA MAN hands Wassermann a paper. As he gives it to him, Tim secretly takes a photo of Wassermann.

da Man

Mr. Wassermann, I am with the District Attorney's Office. This is an injunction to cease and desist from theft of city water. You will be subject to a lawsuit for its value plus penalties. We expect to  push for triple damages.

He hands Wassermann a second paper.

DA man

And this is s search warrant to locate the bypass you have obviously installed and to seek even more evidence of your having deliberately exposed the public to dangers that have caused deaths. We intend to press both civil and criminal charges.

Wassermann sits behind his desk holding his head while the team starts tearing into files. Others go out into the plant with Whistler who will no doubt show them where "all the bodies are buried".

Int. tim's office

Tim is talking on the phone with the Israeli Embassy.

TIM

(To Susan)

I'm talking to the Israeli Embassy.

tim

Mr Ambassador, I have a copy of a commendation by Adolph Hitler that will prove that we have located Otto Ungeheuer, Mengele's Assistant.. I'll send you a copy by e-Mail.

No, we do not yet have a photo of him, but will shortly. He has a distinctive scar across his right eye, a swastica tattoo, and we hear he has an Argentina passport. Contact me and let me know how you want to proceed. We will take no action to make him suspicious.

He has been careful to avoid having photos taken, even for press releases about Eau Boy. I will e-Mail you ASAP a copy of the shot I took of him today.

Tim hangs up and turns to Susan.

Tim

Boy were they excited. They said that they have been searching for Ungeheuer for years and if it proves to be him, it will be handled similar to the Eichmann case.

fade out

int. tim's lab - day

SUSAN

You did get a good picture of Wassermann?

TIM

Yes and I E-Mailed it to the Israelis. We will hear from them shortly.

SUSAN

They will probably handle it like they did Eichmann. He will be given a fair trial and executed.

TIM

I'm going to have to start an alternate plan assuming we are unable to find something to kill the Roids. I'll begin by sealing off all entry points and exits into the sewer system. Then we will try to starve them to death. It may take a long time. If that does not work the only alternative is to dig into all the sewer lines and use flame throwers to kill them.

SUSAN

This lovely town will become a ghost town.

TIM

I know, but it will be better than having them get loose into other cities. As bad as it is here, can you imagine this happening in New York or Chicago?

ext. city streets - day

Tim and a FOREMAN are supervising work crews. Several cement mixers are seen. We follow men running wheelbarrows of concrete into houses and dumping them into toilets, urinals, and other sewer outlets.

TIM

We will begin by sealing off this one section of town along a single main. If that is successful, we can expand to the entire system.

foreman

Isn't there any other way to kill them.

tim

So far, no. With luck we may find a way of killing them chemically, but so far no results. We are trying  hundreds of deadly chemicals. Now at least we have live Roids to experiment with.

foreman

That could be dangerous.

int. reception area sewer treatment plant - day

A CROWD of people have returned from the plant tour. They are disheveled looking, sweaty and gasping for breath. They are led by a TOUR GUIDE.  Most take seats. Some are coming out of the Gift Shop.

TOUR GUIDE

Did you enjoy your tour?

crowd

Cheers and applause.

As she holds up a small box.

TOUR GUIDE

Before you leave, pick up one of these free souvenir kits. They contain a booklet about the facility and a few  mementos.

She takes each item from a box and holds it up.

TOUR GUIDE

She holds up  two sealed bottles.

This one contains the raw input material to the facility. (Handle that one with care). The other is the pure output effluent that is actually drinkable. Would anyone like a slug?

 (SOUND) We hear a round of laughter.

Most people find them to be a great conversation piece on their coffee tables. That, along with the usual large books about Michaelangelo or Rembrandt paintings, Gideon Bibles purloined from hotel rooms, Aunt Minnies gallstone in formaldehyde, the jock strap (sealed in plastic) that Grandad wore when he anchored the relay team with Jesse Owens in the 1936 Olympics, or what have you. There is also one of the miniature plumber's friend plungers that is made of pure Belgian chocolate that are available in our Gift shop.

As they mill around leaving, we see several people giving tips to the Tour Guide.

Int. gift shop

Mounted on the wall is a large display of designer toilet seats. They are in various art styles such as abstract, landscape, still life, and portraits of famous evil people including,, Hitler, Mussolini, Charles Manson, Stalin, etc. At the counter a CLERK is showing a MAN CUSTOMER and a WOMAN two boxes of Christmas tree ornaments. One box contains miniature rolls of various brands of T.P. The other contains the miniature plungers in colorful foil wrappers and made of chocolate.

clerk

(Holding up T.P. ornament to her ear)

Lots of ladies are wearing these as earrings. That gets attention at cocktail parties. Since it is an actual roll of paper, it also serves as an emergency supply (although limited) should your mascara or anything else run.

woman

They're adorable.

clerk

These cute little plungers are delicious and great to give to the kiddies from the Christmas tree. As you can see, they are wrapped individually in colorful foil.

man customer

Tell me about the Whoopee Cushion.

The clerk blows it up slightly and squeezes it. (SOUND)

clerk

(Reads from box)

As it says here "It speaks for itself". Place a couple randomly on the seats in your church to liven things up in the P-E-W-S during a particularly dull sermon.

MAN CUSTOMER

What other things do you have?

clerk

Here's another novelty item. We call it "Sludge Fudge" It looks just like what it's named after, what you saw on your tour, but is made of chocolate truffle. You can gross out your friends chomping on this. Here, have a bite of this sample.

MAN CUSTOMER

(Squeamishly at first)

It is delicious, I'll take a pound. That will last a long time since  very few guests will furtively nosh on it when it is sitting in candy dishes around the house.

woman

I'll take a one dozen box each of the T.P. and the plungers.

MAN CUSTOMER

Give me two Whoopee Cushions and the Abstract Signature Designer Seat. The one done in Picasso's style.

As she puts the items in bags and collects.

clerk

Madam you may be interested in our line of scents. Our most popular one is this Canal#2. It has the basic aromas that you experiences in your tour, only highly intensified. It is guaranteed to provide you with lots of elbow room by assuring that the adjacent seats remain unoccupied at theaters, churches, buses, and other places crowded with odoriferous individuals with B.O. And you Sir. Spray some of this eau de Toilette into your Whoopee cushion for maximum realism and rapid crown thinning impact.

Woman

(Sniffing and rubbing a spray on her wrist)

It does make a statement.

MAN CUSTOMER

(Taking a big sniff)

That it does.

His moustache falls off. They leave carrying their treasures.

INT. MADGE'S DESK - DAY

Bea Holden enters and nods hello to Madge and enters Holden's office.

Madge and Jean are seen listening at the closed door to the tirade going on inside.

Int. Holden';s office - day

bea

Please, Ace, I have to get new jeans, these are shot. Look at them, the knees are gone and they are in tatters.

A scan shows shabby worn out jeans on Bea.

HOlden

They look fine to me. You look au courant with the things the young girls and rock stars are wearing.

bea

Ace, I'm not a high school girl, nor am I a rock star. I can't be seen looking like this.

holden

Then dammit, stay home. You can sell those jeans on E-Bay and get a fortune for them. They are paying big money in stores for clothes that look just like that.

Bea

Please Ace! I'm so ashamed to go out in public looking like this. I checked the Goodwill and they didn't have anything in my size.

holden

Then buy a larger size and get on your seeing machine to alter it. I don't have time or money for such trivial things. I've got monsters in my sewers and Eau Boy Sales tanking, and you're bothering me with stupidity. Get the fuck out of here.

We hear screams by Bea and whacks sounding. Madge and Jean furtively retreat to their desks as Bea comes out of the office and leaves with a fat lip and black eye.

madge

(Under her breath to Jean while twirling her hair)

That bastard. We should report him. I'd do it, but can't afford to risk losing my job now and he would fire me if he found out I did it.

Jean

(Putting on lipstick)

He'll get his one of these days.

madge

Holden is beside himself with anger since Tim went public about the Roid problem. That took some real chutzpa. I didn't think he had it in him to defy Holden.

jean

People surprise you. If only he would get rid of that pocket protector. It labels him as a wimp.

int. tim's lab - day

Susan is again working at the long row of petri dishes containing Roid cuttings. The desk and shelves are full of various labeled poisons, acids, caustics, and hormones such as estrogen and testosterone. She is adding POW to one of the dishes and observing the resulting growth of the cutting that can rapidly become a full grown Roid. As it starts to grow rapidly, she adds some Liquid Plumbr from a bottle and observes the result. The Roid continues to grow, even more rapidly. She quickly throws it into a small furnace on the desk top, picks up a piece of chalk and erases the last 2 from the number 522 on a chalk board and changes it to a three. She is showing signs of weariness from long days searching for a Roid killer.

SUSAN

(Muttering to herself)

The damn things seem indestructible. I can't think of anything else to try. There has to be something that will kill them.

Tim arrives in the lab with Rex a his side. Rex goes frantic being in the same room with all the Roid samples. He goes on point and refuses to quit. He remains rigidly on point and we follow Tim as he carries Rex's rigid frame, still on point, out to the truck. He returns to the Lab.

TIM

Any progress, Susan?

SUSAN

This is beyond me. I think we have an insurmountable problem. I keep making more samples from cuttings and look at the number of things I have tried.

TIM

And more and more people are dying.

SUSAN

What do you mean, they're dying?

TIM

They are those who refuse to believe that Roids exist, no matter what we tell them on TV, radio, and in the newspapers.

INSERT: CORONER'S LAB A lift truck is stacking pallets with nested desiccated corpses eight feet high like crisscrossed cordwood. All have pants or shorts at their ankles.

INSERT: The counter on the billboard showing a rapid decline in population.

BACK TO TIM'S LAB:

SUSAN

With all the publicity we have put out, are there actually some people still using the commodes and drinking the tap water?

TIM

You got it. They are probably the same ones who refuse to believe that NASA put men on the moon.

SUSAN

(Tossing a live Roid into the furnace)

That's the 585th one. Boy, I'm getting weary.

TIM

Keep trying. We haven't tried everything. Sometimes the simplest solution is the one that works.

MUSIC: CHORD         TA DA

susan

We had better get some rest. I can't keep up this pace without the risk of making a big mistake.

MUSIC: OMINOUS

She forgets about one Roid cutting that she has treated with POW. It grows rapidly into a cluster of tentacles, one  which grabs her wrist. Tim intervenes and wrapping the Roid in a towel, throws it into the furnace.

TIM

You're right, we have to get some rest. This is dangerous work.

int. tim's lab - early morning

Tim and Susan arrive ready to get back to work. Tim is carrying a brown paper bag which he puts on the desk.

Susan

Whatcha got there Tim?

TIM

It's a bunch of medications left in the bathroom of my apartment by my Aunt Minnie when she visited a couple of months age. She's a hypochondriac and so there are lots of all kinds of things to try. Many kinds of antibiotics, analgesics, hormones, you name the malady, Aunt Minnie had it.

He dumps a huge pile of pill bottles and tubes from the bag to the counter.

SUSAN

I'll run these with the next batch of Roids from cuttings.

TIM

Meanwhile, as much as I hate to, I'm going to put plan B into action. I'll try to starve the Roids to death. I need results NOW.

int. wassermanns office - day

Wassermann is obviously preparing to abscond. He is packing items in a suitcase and brief case. He stops occasionally to burn a paper in the large ash tray on his desk. He opens the drawer, retrieves the Hitler Citation and it looks like he will burn it. He looks at it lovingly and presses it to his heart, and can't burn it. He puts it in his briefcase and leaves the office.

We see Whistler outside the office observing Wassermann leaving.

ext. eau boy plant parking area - day

A large black helicopter without any markings arrives, hovers and lands near the entrance to the plant. A heavily armed TEAM led by a COMMANDO CHIEF with no markings or other identification pours forth from the helicopter, is dispatched and seals off the entrances. They burst into Wassermann's office and find it empty. The villain has eluded them again.

THEY SPEAK IN HEBREW WITH SUB-TITLES.

commando chief

Shit.

team member

Chief, we will search the premises thoroughly. What about U.S. law enforcement people?

chief

Their State Department has arranged for the U.S authorities to look the other way. They will feign ignorance as to our activities, and "view with alarm" our intrusion into U.S. territory. After we leave, of course. Hopefully with Ungeheuer in custody.

INT. HOLDEN'S OFFICE - DAY

Madge is taking dictation from Holden.

holden

To;: Mr. Timothy O'Rous. This is to advise that I have terminated your employment by the City of Hope Eternal Springs because of your refusal to follow my orders with respect to the Roid matter. Paragraph. I expect you to vacate the premises by 5:00 PM today. You will receive the normal two weeks separation pay. Signed Ace Holden, Mayor.

Also, contact O'Rous and have him in my office ASAP so I can gloat watching his reaction.

He rubs his hands in anticipation.

INT. MADGE'S DESK - DAY

Madge is seen typing the letter. She picks up the phone and dials a number. She is twirling her hair between typing efforts.

madge

May I speak to Mrs. Dogbody-Dobbs please. (Pause) Mrs. Dobbs, as Chairperson of the City Council, you will be interested in the content of this letter I am writing.

After she hangs up, Madge dials another number.

madge

Tim, this is Madge. Holden wants you in his office immediately. Not good News.

Tim arrives and goes into Holden's office

fade out

INT. HOLDEN'S OFFICE - DAY

Holden hands Tim the letter firing him. Tim reads it. Holden chews his sloppy cigar violently.

holden

I want your ass out of here today. Gather your things and get the hell out of my hair.

tim

I'll get out of your hair, but I hope a Roid gets into your ass.

holden

Not a chance, we have our own septic system and well water at NO GODDAM OAKS. My ass is safe, your ass is grass, and consider it well chewed out.

TIM

Can I count on you for a good reference on my resume?

Holden explodes and we see smoke rising above his head.

int. tim's office - day

Tim is packing his things into a cardboard box in preparation for leaving. Susan runs up to him, hugs him closely and kisses him in a more than friendly way.

TIM

Again, I wish I had  the power to do things unselfishly for the public good.

SUSAN

You were very brave to have defied Holden and to protect the public as much as you have.

There is a (SOUND) KNOCK at the door.

TIM

Come in.

Several people enter led by MRS DOREEN DOGBODY-DOBBS  an officious looking local dowager.

mrs.dobbs

As you may know, Mr. O'Rous, I am Doreen Dogbody-Dobbs, Chairperson of the City Council. We have been following with interest the handling of this Haemorroid matter. We have just had an emergency City Council meeting after we heard that Holden is firing you.

We want you to remain on the job. We have advised Holden of this decision and that we are beginning proceedings to have him removed from office. We expect the grand jury to subpoena him and that he will be indicted on charges of malfeasance of duty, and many counts of causing unnecessary deaths. Add to that endangering property, fraud in theft of city water, wife abuse, and unpaid parking tickets.

Please stay here and continue your effort to clear the city of those Roid thingys. Here is my card. If you have any more problems with Holden, call me. You have the unanimous support of the City Council.

int. tims lab - day

Susan is again seen working at tables filled with petri dishes. On a shelf above the dishes there are many more bottles and boxes of numerouos chemicals, acids, bases, agricultural weed killers, insecticides, antibiotics, Coca Cola, Budweiser Beer, Nehi, Gatorade, many wines, soft drinks, steroids, hormones and other known and some mysteriously labeled XXX poisons. After testing with some wine she pours some into a beaker and gulps it down: she then pours herself some more.

SUSAN

(Muttering to herself)

I can't think of anything else to try.

Tim arrives at the lab with Rex at his side. Rex again goes frantic being in the same room with all the roid samples. He again goes on point as before and Tim again has to carry him out to the truck and returns.

TIM

Any progress Susan?

SUSAN

Nope. We may have an unsurmountable problem. I keep making more samples, and look at the number of things I have tried.

TIM

And more and more prople are dying, those who insist Roids do not exist.

SUSAN

And that the president is an alien that landed in Roswell with a forged birth certificate.

INSERT: CORONER'S LAB: We again see several more pallets being stacked like cordwood.

int; tim's lab - day

Susan has dug into the pile of meds Tim gave her and is medthodically testing for their effect on Roids. One after another she tosses live Roids into the furnace. She is frustrated. When she gets to the last item of Aunt Minnie's meds, she looks at it and almost throws it away as being a ridiculous thing to try. With a "what the hell" shrug, she treats a live Roid with it.

SUSAN

Tim. Come here quick. This med of your Aunt Minnie's seems to be doing the job. This Roid looks dead. I'm going to repeat this test several times to make sure it isn't a mistake.

She repeats the experiment with several cuttings using Pow and the med and each one dies with a gurgling (SOUND). She adds more POW to each one to make sure it will not revive and it does not.

SUSAN

(Joyfully)

He have it! We Have it! Finally. (PAUSE) But can we get enough of this stuff to treat an entire sewer system. I'll do more tests to see how much we can dilute it without losing its potency.

They hug each other joyously.

TIM

I'll contact the manufacturer as soon as you know.

int. tim's office - later

Tim is on the phone.

TIM

As C.E.O.of your company, I must enlist your help. We need a substantial amount of your product. I know this is an unusual request that may require much greater quantities than you normally produce, but this is a major life saving emergency.

How quickly can you ship 100,000 gallons? We will cover any overtime. Work around the clock.

c.e.o.

(V.O.)

We can start shipping enough for you to get started in time to arrive first thing in the morning. Balance in one day.

TIM

It it will help, you can thin it out to a consistency we can handle with pumps. You can dilute it, but no more than 10 to 1. It does not take much of that stuff to do the job.

C.E.O.

(V.O.)]

You will have the first shipment tomorrow morning by overnight truck.

int. tim's office at system electronic board - day

Tim is briefing foremen on his plan to isolate various sections of the sewer system to trap and kill the Roids. He is using a pointer indicating each man's assigned area.

TIM

Each of you will have a supply of material on site in the morning when you arrive. We will be watching the System Board to know when the dead Roids can be flushed out. I expect the dead Roids to collect at the primary screens at the treatment plant.

We will have material there to nail them again in case any have survived first treatment in the lines. All of the material collected at the screens will be taken over to the incinerators and burned. We will take no chance on any surviving to reproduce. If no questions, then: Go get Em Roid Busters. Kick some Roid ass, if they have asses.

MUSIC: Battle Hymn of the Republic. As the men leave for the Roid War.

ext. city street at a manhole - morning

A large area at a street intersection is isolated by POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape. Tim is supervising the employment of a large hose leading from the rear of a truck tanker and into the manhole. Rex is as always with him and is pointing at the manhole.

TIM

OK guys, open the valve and start the pump.

We see the hose stiffen and hear the pump working as material sloshes into the manhole. Immediately high pitch, slightly muffled  (SCREECHING) are heard coming from the manhole. A worker with a flame thrower is standing by.

TIM

Stay close with that flame thrower and hit them if any tentacles emerge.

We follow the hose back to the tanker truck and around its side. Here we see in large lettering on the truck tank.

                 PREPARATION H

         A GOOD RIDDANCE OF BAD ROIDS

A second truck reads:

                 PREPARATION H

                GET END RESULTS

A third truck reads:

                 PREPARATION H

  IT WORKS - NO BUTTS ABOUT  IT OR WITHOUT IT

BACK TO TIM;

TIM

As soon as we clear the sewer  lines we will go to the water treatment plant and flush out the water lines to clear out any Roid-LAX in the water supply. We will then again supply the pristine water for which we are famous.

Rex breaks his point and sniffs around the manhole indicating it is Roid free.

TIM

Come here Rex, we have work to do. We will now go over the entire system to locate any pockets of resistance by Roids for special treatment.

Rex barks merrily and leaves with Tim in his truck. With them is a worker with a hand pump tank labeled "Preparation H." They arrive at at a typical street.

ext. typical street with row of houses - day

Rez is running down the street above the sewer lines checking them for Roids. He stops and goes on point at a manhole and the worker removes the cover and pumps in the final solution to the Roid problem.

EXT. AUTOMOBILE - DAY

Whistler is driving and surreptitiously following Wassermann's car. They approach the airport where Wassermann parks and heads for the terminal.

int. airport check in counter

Wassermann is at the counter talking to the AGENT.

WAsSERMANN

What do you mean, it's going to cost me $25.00 to check my bag. I'll carry it on.

agent

It has to fit in that rack there.

We see Wssermann with a huge bag trying to force it into the device.

WASSERMANN

(As he pays)

Vot a ripoff.

We follow him through the security checkpoint as he heads for the departure gate.

ext. whistler's automobile - day

Whistler is on his cell phone.

WHISTLER

Tim, this is Jay Whistler. I have been following Wassermann to the airport. You had best get in touch with those Israeli Commandos so they can grab him before he catches a plane to Argentina.

cut to

TIM

Good work, I'll call them now.

Tim hangs up and his cell phone rings before he can dial it. He answers it immediately.

TIM

Hello, Tim speaking.

commando chief

(V.O.)

This is Moishe O'Toole of the Israeli extraction team. We have arrived too late to grab Ungeheuer. We will stay in town a while and search the plant and check the airport.

TIM

We already have word that he is at the airport now getting ready to leave. You had better get there pronto.

ext. The curb outside the terminal - day

A taxicab drives up with the Israeli commandos packed inside. They exit the cab and the COMMANDO CHIEF walks around to the DRIVER's window

COMMANDO CHIEF

What's the fare?

Driver

(Checking the meter)

That'll be $82.50, plus the airport fee of $20.00.

COMMANDO CHIEF

Can you take shequels?

DRIVER

My kids want a pet, are they housebroken?

COMMANDO CHIEF

I said shequels, not jackals.

driver

You mean like the guy who turns into Mr. Hyde.

COMMANDO CHIEF

(Spells out)

Not Jekyl, S H E Q U E L, Money! As in "The Rabbi bought a menorah for 500 shequels.

driver

What's a menorah?

COMMANDO CHIEF

The candleholder we use at Chanukah.

DRIVER

Hey! That's good beer.

COMMANDO CHIEF

(Exasperated)

Not Heineken, Chanukah.

As he punches his hand held computer.

DRIVER

(Whistling)

That sounds like a lot to pay for a candelabra.. He shoulda talked to me first. My brother-in-law owns a pawn shop. I could have saved him a bundle. He has one in stock that was owned by Liberace.

COMMANDO CHIEF

Sheesh.

DRIVER

The exchange rate is 30 cents to the US dollar. That will be 276 shequels plus tip and currency exchange fees.

COMMANDO CHIEF

(Checking his wallet)

I don't have that much.

IN  HEBREW (SUB-TITLED) WITH OTHER COMMANDOS

COMMANDO CHIEF

Cough up guys! We need 300 shequels.

COMMANDO 1

(Checks his wallet)

I can kick in 75,

Commando 2

How much more do you need?

COPMMANDO CHIEF

52 Shequels more. C'mon guys.

Commando 3

Okay, here it is. I hope this will be covered on our expense accounts.

As they go into the terminal.

COMMANDO CHIEF

Next job, we call Enterprise ahead of time and arrange a rental car. Their ads say they will pick us up at the helicopter.

int. security checkpoint - day

They have reached the security checkpoint. Here each of them puts his armaments, helmet, boots, grenades and knives into the trays that go into the X-Ray machine. On the computer screen we see the operator playing Solitaire.

commando 1

(SUBTITLED from Hebrew)

What a pain in the ass!

Before they enter the scanner, they are told to remove so much of their clothing that they are all down to their shorts. One man is dancing as doing a strip tease and we hear (MUSIC) "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes". The last man through is not made to strip and as he goes through, he sets off the alarm and is pulled aside for a full body pat down by two women EXAMINERS.

examiner 1

(Patting around the crotch)

He seems to be heavily armed.

examiner 2

(Giggling)

Let me check your work.

She pats him down thoroughly spending a lot of time on the crotch area and then exposing a large knife attached to his leg.

examiner 2

Here's what set off the alarm. Not that.

examiner 1k

It could have. It felt like steel.

They make him throw the knife into the barrel containing other voluntarily discarded items where we see all sorts of contraband: knives, pistols, fused dynamite stick bundles, grenades, Uzis and an AK 47.

One Commando picks a small nail trimmer out of the barrel and starts to clip his trigger fingernail. The Examiner slaps his hand like a schoolteacher.

examiner 1

That's a No! No! Put it back.

All of the Commandos move to the area where they sit down,to re-arm and dress themselves. They head for the departure gate where they are stopped by the GATE AGENT at FLYE-by-NYTE Airlines.

gate agent

Gentlemen, we are boarding First Class now. Please wait for your row to be called.

COMMANDO Chief

(Pokes gun into her face)

This is my boarding pass. FIRST CLASS.

The Commandos rush down the jet way and we follow them into the first class cabin of the airplane.

int. At seat in airplane first class - day

Here Wassermann/Ungeheuer is seen looking at a small bottle of scotch and about to open and pour it into a glass. He is complaining to the FLIGHT ATTENDANT.

wassermann

Sefen bucks for a scotch and you don't efen haf Eau Boy to go with it. People like the management of this outfit should be put in chail. it's Air-Vay robbery.

flight Attendant

Sir, I don't set the prices. Do you want the drink or not.

WASSERMANN

(Pours drink)

They used to be free in first class. No more.

The Commandos arrive and pounce upon Wassermann and slap handcuffs on him. They lead him out at gunpoint. The last Commando to leave, part way down the aisle, quickly returns to finish off Wassermann's scotch.

As they drag him out, Wassermann shouts at the GATE AGENT,

WASSERMANN

Give me back my boarding pass. I vant to get a refund.

gate agent

Your ticket is non-refundable.

COMMANDo chief

It says go straight to jail. Do not pass Go and collect 600 shequels.

int. terminal building - day

The Commandos with Wassrmann in custody start to leave the gate area. They pause at the entrance to a Men's Room.

commando 2

(Hebrew SUB-TITLED holding his gut)

Chief, hold it here a bit, I have to make an emergency pit stop.

COMMANDO CHIEF

(in Hebrew SUB-TITLED)

Yahweh Damn it Mordecai. How many raids have we been on and you haven't learned not to drink the water?

The group waits immpatiently for Mordecai to come out.

ext. cab stand outside terminal building - day

The Commando Chief orders a cab from the dispatcher and borrows a tip from a Commando.

commando chief

We are going to the Eau Boy parking lot.

The dispatcher looks a the tip, shrugs and tosses it into the trash barrel.

A taxicab drives up and stops. The Commando Chief gets in. The driver is wearing the headdress of a Somali.

COPMMANDO CHIEF

Can you take shequels for the fare?

DRIVER

What are shequels?

commando chief

Israeli money.

DRIVER

Get out of my cab. I don't do business with Jews.

He drives off burning rubber. The Chief barely gets out unharmed.

Hebrew with (SUB-TITLES):

commando chief

I fixed that asshole.

COMMANDO 1

How so Chief?

COMMANDO CHIEF

I pulled the pin on a grenade and left it  on the floor.

We hear an explosion in the distance. He begins to canvass the other Commandos to get the fare together for the next cab to drive up but then takes the money from Wassermann's wallet to pay  the fare.

fade out

int. holden's office - day

Holden is pacing the floor and putting a new cigar into his mouth after slobbering all over it. The door opens and several people walk in unannounced. They are led by the MAN from the District Attorney's Office.

d.A.Man

Ace Holden, this is a search warrant (PAUSE) and this is a subpoena to appear before a special session of the Grand Jury. You are under investigation for fraud, causing loss of life, malfeasance in office, wife abuse, assorted nastiness, and a unpaid parking tickets. You have the right to remain silent and anything you say can and will be held against you.

HOLDEN

That EPA hottie. Or that sexy blonde in Accounting.

D.A.MAN

What are you talking about?

HOLDEN

Hold one of them against me. Ha Ha Ha.

D.A.MAN

You will have plenty of time to make jokes when you are spending the rest of your miserable life behind bars.

The men leave and Holden is irrationally angry so much so that he bites off half of his cigar and swallows it. He opens his desk drawer and takes out the revolver.

holden

(Muttering to himself)

I'll fix that bastard O'Rous. If I'm gonna go to jail for life, It'll be for a damn good reason.

Holden puts the gun into his belt and rushes out of the office.

exr. sewerage plant - day

Tim, Susan and Rex arrive in Tim's pickup truck.

TIM

(Petting Rex)

Rex did a great job locating several Roids which we missed. If we hadn't killed them all of our work so far would have been negated.

One single Roid would hve started the whole nightmare again. I'm satisfied that we got them all and can be sure of it because of Rex's SUPER CANINE effort examining the system.

SUSAN

(Petting Rex)

He sure loves you Tim.

int. sewerage plant reception area - day

As Tim and Susan walk through the receptin area a TOUR GROUP is being de-briefed. One man LARRY is proudly showing his purchase from the Gift Shop to his wife GARDENIA. It is a Whooopee Cushion which he is inflating.

Holden bursts upon the scene through the main door brandishing the pistol. Tim and Susan rush toward the door leading into the plant with Holden firing shots that go wide.

Amid screams and confusion, the entire Tour Group hits the floor and after a short, pregnant silence, we see Larry on the floor and hear (SOUND) as the Whoopee Cushion makes a long fart sound.

POV ABOVE

We see a circle of people on the floor squirming around to clear a wide circle around LARRY.

gardenia

(Whispers to Larry)

I put some of that Canal #2 I bought in it.

Another couple MARY and MARVIN are on the floor and whispering to each other.

MARVIN

Mary, I can take the smell, but it's burning my eyes so bad I can't stand it. I have to make a run for the door outside.

mary

Don't do that Marv. It's much too dangerous with that maniac firing bullets all over the place.

MARVIN

I would rather take a fatal round to the spleen than suffer the agony of asphyxiation here. I'm outta here! Bye.

He makes a run for the outside door. Several others shortly follow his lead and dash outside the door where we see them taking deep breths of the fresh outside air.

BACK TO TIM, SUSAN AND REX

Holden is reloading, and as they rush past the display of gas masks, Tim and Susan stop long enough to put one on. Susan tries one on and doesn't like the fit. She has to try on several to find one she likes. She looks at herself in a mirror on the wall and straightens her hair and checks her lipstick, then tries unsuccessfully to put one on Rex. Rex follows then as they go into the plant.

Holden continues the chase, firing more wild shots as they go into the plant slamming the door behind them. Holden continues after them, but he also stops long enough to put on a gas mask before continuing after the trio.

TIM

Follow me Susan. Rex come!

They continue across the catwalk above the large circular tank containing sludge. It has a rotor spraying liquid onto the sludge. They start toward a ladder leading into the control room  of the machine.

Holden goes onto the catwalk firing wild shots at the two. The shots ricochet off the plumbing and equipment but miss. As they pause to open the door to the control room, it now appears that Holden has an easy shot at them and he stops to take careful aim.

HOLDEN

It's your happy ass O'Rous and you too bitch.

SUSAN

Tim duck!

Rex has been following them and immediately rushes to the rescue. He attacks Holden who loses his balance. But as he falls over the railing he fires a fatal round that kills Rex. He lands face down in the sludge and appears to be a goner (PAUSE) However, Holden rises slowly up to his waist from the sludge which oozes down his head, shoulders and upper body. He has lost his gas mask and starts to take aim at Tim.

(HOLDEN'S P.O.V.) His glasses are completely clogged with sludge. He puts the revolver into his belt, digs out a handkerchief from an inside pocket and cleans his glasses. He breathes on them several times to polish them checking them each time.)

Tim is now in the control room working on the controls and there is a large knob labeled ROTOR RPM. Tim gives it a turn to beyond maximum and the needle moves past the red line setting as Holden gets set up for the fatal shots at the defenseless couple.

The rotor accelertes to a high speed and from the rear clobbers Holden in the back of his head. He then goes down face first into the sludge for good.

SUSAN

(In tears)

He has killed poor Rex.

Tim also sheds a few tears as they embrace comforing each other.

TIM

There wil never be another dog like Rex. He gave his life to save us and save the city.

black out

TITLE:        ONE YEAR LATER

EXT. A FERRARI AUTOMOBILE - DAY

A Ferrari convertible driven by a beautiful woman is traveling through Hope Eternal Springs. A closer view shows that it is Bea Holden, who is a knockout, having had an incredible makeover. She is dressed and made up spectacularly. She drives up to her assigned parking place at the Eau Boy plant where we see the sign:

      WELCOME TO EAU BOY INTERNATIONAL

The assigned parking place has a sign:

            BEA HOLDEN C.E.O.

As she exits the car, we see (CLOSE UP) that she is wearing expensive looking shoes. She enters the building and we see that the plant has been expanded greatly.

int. bea holden's office - day

The office is beautiful and on the wall are photos of a large number of Eau Boy plants at over 20 countries around the world.

A chart showing profit performance can be seen going off the top of the chart onto a piece added to it. She is talking with Madge who is sitting across from her large desk.

bea

I want to say how terrific your performance has been in growing the company as Vice President of International Operations and that your bonus will be up in the seven figure range.

It was a stroke of genius when you had the vast inventory of Eau Boy bottled water relabeled as Roid-Lax, and approved by the FDA as a laxative, and sold at high prices in drug stores. That saved the company.

Madge

Wow! Thank you Boss.

Bea

By the way. How is your daughter doing?

madge

She's a sophomore at H.E.S.U. Getting straight A's. She's majoring in Late Reaaissance Bulgarian Bustle Stuffing with a Minor in Brain Surgery.

bea

OK. Let's get into the board room for the Management Committee meeting to review the status of the comany.

nt. Board room - day

This too is a beautifully decorated room with a long table and chairs. The key executives of the company are sitting and rise to greet the two of them as they enter. Among the executives are Jean and Whistler.

bea

My thanks to all of you for a great year.

This meeting is to review our plans as we move forward. I will first ask Dr. HUGO GROWEM our Botanist and Bio-Chemist to brief us on the future of supply of botanicals we use. Dr. Growem

growem

As you know, we obtained the herb now given the Linnaeus identification Reliabus erectus  vulgaris, the active ingredient in POW, by explorations deep into the Amazon Jungle. We have consolidated our relationship with the natives and have exclusive rights to the small area with the micro-climate and soil conditions that can produce this rare plant. We have all usable acres under our control.

In line with company policy, we have worked with the natives to provide educational and medical improvements and better housing.

We have extended our search for similar plants to other parts of the world. In addition to Conceptus Avoidus Reliabus, used in POW II, we have discovered another rare plant with highly marketable features in a remote area of New Guinea. We learned about this plant's effectiveness by observing the Rites of Passage into Manhood of their youth.

For months, the young men chew the leaves of the plant which they call Pecka-Wow-Wow. Linneaus name Pecka Mega Elongae. This herb produces the result that gives the tribe their name The Hung-Lo-Lo.

Head nodding and other signs of approval from audience.

growem

The young men are each given their choice of one of the village virgins. Measurements are takes cassifying the men into a pecker, err, excuse me peck-ING order. Each young man is given his choice of the girls from the top of the pecking order.

After several days of training under experienced older women, they get to deflower the girls as part of the girls' ritual entry into womanhood. This is all done during a festival that goes on for days with the entire tribe getting high on the local beverage that is brewed from the fermented juice of the plant leaves that the women chew up and spit into pottery jars. There is wild rejoicing and random copulating.

 MAN 1 in the group in an aside to MAN 2 next to him.

MAN 1

That beats the hell out of my Bar Mitzvah.

man 2

And my Confirmation.

Growem

We expect this plant to become the key ingredient for POW III and are working on its cultivation in quantity. Any questions?

madge

Is it safe?

growem

They have used it for centuries with no ill effect. I have personally used it and the main result has been that I require a jock strap three cups larger.

INSERT: CLOSE UP showing his bulging crotch with a cod piece.

bea

Thank you Dr. Growem. We will now hear from Ms. JOY HUCKSTER our Marketing Director as to the Marketing Program for POW and POW II.

Huckster

We are primarily going to promote POW II with ERASE-A-BRAT. We have done Market Research to select the most marketable name for this feature. We chose it from NIX-KID, ABSORBING-JR, RID-KID, and BRAT-B-GONE. A close second was NO KIDDIN'. It will also carry along sales of regular POW which caters to that part of the market made up of sign carrying and clinic blasting objectors to birth control.

We have had an extensive and expensive lobbying effort to the Vatican, but have as yet been unable to get an endorsement, only an agreement not to publicly denounce POW II.

We will have to wait for a new Pope. Then we can run a major lobbying effort to the Cardinals prior to the next enclave after the present Pope passes on.

We have worked with PTAs to put POW II in all the high school and middle school vending machines and cafeterias.  This has paid off handsomely, and will be a major new market. As you know, teenagers are big consumers of soft drinks.

POW II will permit parents to breathe easier when their children start dating.

We will now see the first of a series of TV Ads for POW II. Lights Please.

The lights are dimmed and we see on the monitor the first ad.

A MAN and a WOMAN are on a beach inside bathtubs and a table in between contains two bottles of POW II. (A parody of Cialis ads) The woman is in her tub and the man is just settling into his tub.

Man in ad

Brrr. The water in my tub is cold.

woman in tub

(looking into his tub obviously at genitals)

Yes I can see that.

They each take a slug of POW II and we then see them both in the same tub crawling over each other. Typical advertising copy follows with (NARRATOR) touting:

       POW II WITH ERAS-A-BRAT

           WHEN IN HEAT

BE READY, BE WILLING AND BE ABLE

      NO KIDDING WITH POW II

     POW II IS FDA APPROVED

All at the table clap politely.

huckster

Here's another one.

We see two beach chairs with a table in between (Parody on Corona Beer ad). Two bottles of POW are sitting on the table, each with a wedge of lime stuck in the top. An elderly man, HORACE and elderly woman AGATHA are in the beach chairs.

agatha

(Holding his hand)

Horace, do you think you can workup to some action?

horace

I dunnw Aggie, it's been along time and I don't have the horsepower I used to have.

agatha

Well, I bought us these bottles of that POW stuff they advertise on TV. What say we give it a shot?

They each chug-a-lug their POW. Horace chokes and spits out the lime wedge.

agatha

Any result yet?

horace

It's still all in my mind.

agatha

I'm starting to get the urge.

horace

It looks like I'll be up to it too.

agatha

That stuff really works. I'm hot to trot. We have to buy a case on the way home.

horace

We can't do anything here on the beach.

agatha

You're right, it would be a sequel to True Grit. There is a cabana back there, Let's go there.

They both start groping each other and get all tangled up in the folding chairs. They extract themselves and we follow them running to the cabana. Behind them is a trail of shoes, towels, sunglasses, hats, and cover ups. All the while they are all over each other.

The ad continues with copy and (NARRATOR VOICE)

           POW KNOWS NO AGE LIMITS

           POW II HAS ERASE-A-BRAT

    BE READY, BE WILLING AND BE ABLE WITH POW II

BACK TO BOARD ROOM:

huckster

We have assembled a special task force to place POW in vending machines and cafeterias in nursing homes across the country.

Another round of (APPLAUSE)

bea

We are also working on DIET POW since Dr. Growem has some promising things he is working on in that area. Think About it!

POW

Aphrodisiac , ED Correction, Habit forming. high performance.Add..

POW II

Erase-a-Brat. Add..

POW iii

Pecka Mega Elongus. Later Add..

POW IV

Diet pow.

We will become bigger than Wal-Mart, Coca Cola, and Exxon combined. And with similarly outraeous executive compensation, I might add.

A round of CHEERING and APPLAUSE

bea

Now a brief report from Jay Whistler our VP Manufacturing. Jay.

whistler

Most of our expansion has been through acquisitions of existing bottling companies. Because our Balance Sheet is so strong, we have more companies approaching us to merge than we can handle. We now own as many plants making bottles and closures as we need to assure our future supply.

bea

We will now hear from our Human Resources Director Ms. Jean Levi. Jean

jean

Employee relations couldn't be better. Of course our generous profit sharing program helps. This or course made possible by the incredible markups we are able to command. Recent attempts at unionization by organizers were countered by practically the entire work force voluntarily chasing them out of town wielding torches, pitchforks, scythes and so forth.

INSERT: A mob scene as in Frankenstein.

BACK TO BOARD ROOM

jean

We did a test at one of our plants by putting POW into the drinking fountains throughout the facility. We put this on hold since it resulted in an unacceptable increase in employees on maternity leave. Now, with the new POW II, with ERASE-A-BRAT, this program will no doubt be cost effective. All is quiet on the labor front.

BEA

That about covers it. The rest of you have written reports which are on the table here.

As they leave the room all of the men corner Growem.

Man 1

You got any of that stuff with you.

Growem hands each of them a package.

GROWEM

I brought each of you a doggy bag of brownies.

MAN 1

Doggy bag..Or donkey bag?

man 2

Thanks. Beats the cold coffee and stale danishes over there.

fade out

int. LOIS' desk outside Mayor's office - day

Tim's name is seen on the door as mayor. A new woman LOIS has Madge's old job and is talking with Jean's successor HORTENSE.

lois

It was awesome how O'Rous won the election in a landslide. He was so brave in conquering the Haemorroids that he became  a shoo-in.

hortense

That Susan woman has lots of moxie too. I hear that they are engaged to be married soon. She is such a sweet thing.

lois

Everyone at Eau Boy and here at City Hall says that it's a pleasant place to work again.

hortense

The city has contacted the famous Italian sculptor ANGELO MICHAEL CHISELOTTA. He is going to create a memorial for the town square to honor those who died and those whose valiant effort helped win the Roid War.

Tim arrives and goes in to his desk where he picks up the phone and dials. The speaker phone is on. The door is open and the women listen in.

TIM

Maestro Chiselotta. Please.

CHISELOTTA

(V.O. Italian accent)

This is Maestro Angelo Michael Chiselotta.

TIM

Tim O'Rous here. You have been awarded the contract to create the memorial. I am mailing it to you. I have reviewed your sketches with the City Council and they have expressed their approval of your concept. Go to work so we can have the unveiling at the Blessing of the Springs Day. That's an annual celebration of the quality of Hope Eternal Springs water. It's a big local holiday affair. Can you have the work completed in the time frame shown on the contract?

CHISELOTTA (V.O.)

As to completion date, you have nothing to worry about. (PAUSE) At first. The memorial will be executed in fine Cararra marble and will be a "Thing of Beauty and a Joy Forever" even if not a Grecian Urn. Ha.Ha . Do you like Keats.

tim

I don't even know what they are.

Get to work Maestro, we are pouring the foundation to your requirements.

BACK TO LOIS'S DESK

LOIS

Did you hear that? They are going to put up a large Grecian Urn in the square. The media will love that. I'll contact my friend Clark Ghent at the Daily Asteroid.

She picks up the phone and dials.

ext. public square - day

Workmen are pouring the foundation for the memorial. We see several concrete mixer trucks discharging material into the base which has rebar in it. WORKMEN are spreading concrete with rakes and shovels.

woRkman 1

My God, what are they going to put here. This foundation could support the Empire State Building.

Workman 2

The newspaper says that it is going to be some sort of Grecian Urn. It must be true, since it says so in the paper.

Workman 1

An urn to require this foundation would hold a helluva lot of beer.

A WORKMAN 3 nearby overhears the beer part.

(Workman 3)

Did you hear that? There's going to be free beer from a huge urn at the unveiling.

workman 2

Probably, they are going to ladle it out to the crowd at the ceremony. We'd better get there early to get good seats.

Workman 1

I can hardly wait. Im going to bring the big stein I bought at the Octoberfest in Munich.

fade out

ext. around the town - day

We catch snippets of conversations around town; in bars, resturants, in church, etc. The subject is always the huge urn full of  beer that is going to be served at the annual ceremony.

Two CITIZENS are talking in a bar.

citizen 1

I wonder what kind of beer they are going to put in that urn. I hope it isn't that insipid lite crap.

citizen 2

My guess is it will be imported Greek beer. Maybe not beer, but Ouzo. That would liven up the crowd.

citizen 1

Yeah! Then all of the men can put on their wives' skirts, their cheerleader daughter' pom-poms on their shoes, grab each other around the waist and dance around like thay are stomping ants.

They laugh together.

Two WOMEN are talking in a cofee shop:

woman 1

I hope they have something in the urn other than beer. Beer gives me gas.

woman 2

Me too. Martinis would be a nice touch. With greek olives.

Woman 1

Or better yet. Pow II spiked with genuine absinthe which is now legal. Whoeee!!

ext. The city square - day

It is the big day of the Blessing of the Water Ceremony and unveiling of the memorial. The crowd has not arrived yet and Tim is supervising the set up for the affair. This is a new Tim, no pocket protector and power dressed in a complete makeover. On each chair we see a program.

There are decorations everywhere and  the air is festive. The monument is covered with a drapery ready to be unveiled. Tim is briefing the key speakers.

TIM

As Emcee, I will open the ceremony. I will welcome everyone. Then I will introduce Reverend Will B. DUNNE who will do the invocation. Maestro Chiselotta , If you wish you can say a few words or merely take a bow. Susan Moore, will be the one to pull the string that removes drapery to expose the memorial.

The square fills rapidly and with all seats occupied there is standing room only. People are fanning themselves with their progarms. A large crowd of standees is assembled. Tim walks up to the mic and a great (CHEER) rises. He holds up his arms in a Richard Nixon type salute.

TIM

Thank you fellow Hope Eternal Springsters. Today we will dedicate this magnificent memorial. I will not make a speech,(CHEERS) the Reverend Will B. Dunne, Pastor of St. Sodom Church who has composed an original invocation. Reverend Dunne

Dunne shuffles his papers at the podium.

dunne

Five score and two years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new town, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all water is not created equal. Now we have ended a great Roid War testing whether water so clear and so pure can long endure.

We have met on a great battlefield of that war. We have  come here to dedicate a monument to the memory of those who died here and to those who struggled here to defeat a terrible foe.

It is altogether fitting and proper that we do this, but in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. Those who struggled here have dedicated it far above our poor power to add or detract.

He continues to drone on. People in the audience start to tap their watches.. Others yawn openly. Two men are playing Rock, Scissors, Paper and keeping score on their programs.

BACK TO DUNNE:

DUNNE

It is for us the living to be dedicated to the great task remaining before us.

Many are snoring audibly.

DUNNE

And that water of great clarity, of great purity by and for the people shall not perish from the earth.

After a faint ripple of (APPLAUSE).

TIM

Thank you Reverend Dunne for those well chosen words. I would like to introduce Maestro Angelo Michael Chiselotta, the creator of the masterpiece you are about to see unveiled by my fiancee Ms. Susan Moore.

Chiselotta, dressed in a smock, wearing a beret, and holding a huge mallet and chisel, steps forward. He bows acknowledging the cheers of the audience.

CHISELOTTA

Grazie. Grazie.

With a fanfare from the local High School Band, Susan pulls the string and we see the monument in all its glory. We follow a scan from the top down of the sculpture and is is a knockoff of Michaelangelo's Pieta.

The female figure sitting and robed resembles Susan. She has sprawled with its head on her lap a figure of the very much dead Rex, with his tongue hanging out.

The belt across the woman's waist that on the original bears Michaelangelo's signature is inscribed.

      A. M. CHISELOTTA DI CLEVELAND FACIE

The crowd (CHEERS) wildly.

We see slowly scanning into view the inscription on the base.

(MUSIC) Mozart's Requiem "Rex Tremendae Majestatis" verse.

            REX TRREMENDAE MAJESTATIS

           QUI SALVANDOS SAVES GRATIS

            SALVE ME, FONS PIETATIS

                              MOZART

A priest in the audience is seen making the Sign of the Cross.

TIM

Since there may be a few others besides me who do not read Latin, there is a translation on the back of your program.

A husband and wife are standing to one side in the front row. They are the FATHER and MOTHER of Curtis, the billboard raider who stands beside them.

curtis

(To his father)

Who's that Mowsard guy.

father

I dunno. It rhymes, and as Tim said it's Latin. He must be one of them Roman poets.

curtis

I wonder what it means.

mother

It says so on the back of your program.

curtis

(Reads from program)

King of Tremendous Majesty.

Who freely saves the worthy.

Save me, source of mercy.

It says it's from that guy Mozart's re..rec..rectum.

MOTHER

That says Requeim. That has sommpin' to do with churches.

curtis

Wolfgand Ama-do-dos Mozart. Wolfgang, WOLFGANG! and I thought Curtis was a stupid name. Owoo..Owooo..Owoooo.

Swatting him hard with her folded program.

mother

Shaddap! or I'll really give you something to howl about.

We scan to a MAN in the CROWD who is holding a large beer stein. He is the one from the bar.

MAN

(Shouting above crowd noise)

Where's the Gooddamn beer!

The crowd starts chanting:

crowd

BEER,BEER, We want the Beer. BEER BEER, We've earned the BEER.

TIM

Folks, we don't have beer.

(SOUND) Boos from crowd.

TIM

But there's all the free POW you want at the table on the right. Courtesy of Eau Boy International. Thank you folks, and Good Day!

ext. Steps of a church - day

We approach a typical church and see the sign on the front lawn that says:

           OUR LADY OF PERPETUAL REMITTANCE

       TODAY'S SPECIAL   MOORE - O'ROUS WEDDING

There is a large crowd on the steps as the newlyweds emerge from the church to (CHEERS). There is rice throwing and photo's are being taken by the throng. The couple enter the limousine that will take them to the reception at The Depot Restaurant.

int. the depot restaurant - day

We see the bride throwing the bouquet which is caught by Jean Levi who is standing next to Jay Whistler. The two hug happily.

Tim and Susan leave the reception.

SUSAN

We'll change for the trip at our house. We have four hours before our plane leaves.

ext/int. the O'rous house - day

As they get out of the car, they enter a very nice house. the mail box says O'ROUS. Inside the couple are sitting at the table in the kitchen. There is a big stack of presents on the table and on the floor. Tim is opening presents and Susan is writing thank you notes.

As he opens another present, a toaster, he puts it on the counter next to a row of others like it.

TIM

Another toaster. There must have been a sale on them at Wal-Mart

SUSAN

Or the bank signed up a lot of new depositors.

He opens another present, a strange unidentifiable object.

TIM

What do you think this is?

SUSAN

I dunno, what shall I  call it in the thank you note?

TIM

Call it a Hmmmmf.

As she writes, she recites to Tim and scribbles Hmmmf illegibly.

susan

Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Dogbody-Dobbs for the lovely Hmmmf. We shall treasure it for our happy years together.

Tim opens another gift:

TIM

This is from Reverend and Mrs Will B. Dunne.

SUSAN

What is it?

Tim holds up a Whoopee Cushion.

tim

Someone must have left it in the PEWS

It is inflated and Tim squeezes it and we hear the usual (SOUND).

TIM

It does speak for itself.

Sujsan fanning her face with one hand sprays the room with Fabreeze with the other hand.

ext- automobile  - day

Tim and Susan are loading the car for departure.

SUSAN

Do you have all the bags?

TIM

Yes, I'm putting them in the trunk.

We see a large number of fancy suitcases, obviously hers and a battered equipment bag for him. As we look into the trunk, we see there are two cases of POW II already loaded.

SUSAN

Did you pack the POW?

TIM

Important things first. I put that in the trunk yesterday.

SUSAN

Got room for all my bags?

TIM

I don't think so.

Susan

Jettison some of them if you have to, but keep the POW.

ext . Automobile leaving town - day

As they leave town we see a billboard with change letters below.

    YOU ARE LEAVING HOPE ETERNAL SPRINGS

        A HAEMORROID FREE COMMUNITY

The changeable leters read:

          WE'RE SITTING PRETTY

Curtis and Ronee are by the sign. Curtis makes room between the S and the I for the letter H which he is holding in one hand ready to put in place. Ronee Giggles.

              STAY SAFE IN

                THE END