Uncle Joe’s Motor

This is the information plaque on an antique outboard motor that was beautifully restored by my cousin Charlie Viosca and donated to the Louisiana State Museum in Baton Rouge for display. This Johnson Sea Horse outboard motor was manufactured prior to 1937, when I was 11 years old. It was purchased new for $72.00 by …

On “Giving Back”

The older you get, the more you receive impassioned pleas to include various organizations in your will. These pitches invariably appeal to you to “give back” something that you probably never got from them in the first place. I have just scanned several such items of the “Begging” component of the three B’s (Begging, Bills, …

The Twelve Maladies of Bob’s Ass

At the first diagnosis the doctors said to me: Rheumatic fever, and death by 33. At the second diagnosis the doctors said to me: Glaucoma eye drops Rheumatic fever, and death by 33 At the third diagnosis the doctors said to me: Transurethral Prostate Resection Glaucoma eye drops Rheumatic fever, and death by 33 At …

On My Strange New Color Vision Problem

My vision’s changed, I’m seeing red. The doctors don’t know why. Why do you think, I paint clouds of pink, Against a violet sky. You’ve never seen a pink cow. You say there cannot be one. But I can tell you anyhow, I’m surely going to see one. Show me a cobalt blue cow. If …

The Relic

As he drove his earthmoving machine making a cut that would become the roadbed for a new highway across the country now known as Polemiczyk, Jozef Buzzzwicki was appalled to notice that he had uncovered an ancient ruin.  He was dismayed because he now would have to file a compliance report to the Ministry of …

Ice-Hole Drama

Justin and Zeke stood at the edge of the frozen lake. “Do ya think it’s thick enough yet to go ice fishing?” was Zeke’s question to Justin, his friend for the ten years of their lives, all of which had been spent here along the pond. Everyone called it a pond, but actually it was …

Mary’s Wedding Day

Mary ran from the house. She was desperately trying to make it to the outhouse on time. She was particularly panicky, being completely dressed in her wedding gown and suffering from Chronic Diverticulitis, Chrone’s Disease, and Irritated Bowel Syndrome, she had been particularly susceptible to an intestinal calamity being precipitated by the nervous jitters she …

I feed ’em and I’m gonna go.

Years ago, in New Orleans, in the early 1930’s, my aunt Fay had an impatient conversation with her aunt Thelma Louise. Fay was probably ten at the time. Thelma was in a hurry getting dressed up, and Fay was asking where she was going, and Thelma kept saying “I feed ’em, and I’m gonna go.” Fay …